Stirring The Unseen

Ok, Im not in a dark place..just thinking..meditating on a few things..I watched this show that brought up alot of feelings, that I am ok with now.

Numbing pain, not having to feel it or deal with it...always leads to a bigger problem. I was watching a show on a young 20 something who was using pain pills, cutting, anything to numb her pain from the age of 13 on.

She said she never felt..worthy enough....there was a hole she could not fill. ..and she kept trying to gill that empty space..with crap..masking emotion..numbing the insides. Then when all the world was against her, there was one, who saw her for who she was, had faith in her and helped her get better.

I know how dangerous that is, that not worthy feeling. Maybe it is a girl thing? I have been there. I dont know where it stems from, but it was there ..that feeling...from when I was 14 on up. There is not much I can attribute it to..it was like it was sewn into my genetic code somehow...and you look for stuff...to fill that hole..and all it does it make it worse.

This show touched me because I have been in those dark places, I think we all have been..within our own soul at one point.
Maybe..this is how we become the light
Maybe this is how we understand..the fragile humaness of others...of our selves.

When you finally allow yourself to feel..your soul stirs..good and bad...kinda like cleaning my fishtank..it looks good from the outside, but once the gravel starts moving around at the bottom, all the gunk surfaces to the top...untill you clean it all up, or..it settles to the bottom waiting for the gravel to be stirred again..and it starts to stink.

Screaming inside
by my own thoughts

Lay back
let her go
set me free

Falling into her soul
the one who stirs the unseen within me

whispering softly
against the madness

she who is assulted by her own self'
her own mind
her own feelings

not to feel

I see in you
strength beyond measure

release me
let me go and
stir the unseen
pateintly cleaning
the wounds of hurt

filling her soul with faith
and love for herself
filling the empty spaces

Lay back

let her go
set me free.

Almighty Heidi

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