5/20/2010

I Scream For Ice Cream


From understanding comes love ~Rumi

My son had a migrane for two days. The second day had worsened so bad we were sent to the ER, mainly because the severe headache along with his increase in his OCD and seeing things and all..well they just wanted to make sure.




This part is raw


this part is real..


the part that makes me feel just awful.




For a few moments..a few hours, I entertained the thoughts...




If it is a tumor that means maybe they can "fix" him. Maybe it's NOT him. Maybe we can just make this all go away.




Maybe they can make the number 5 go away...the number that he hears over and over and over again in his head..or the letter t..




555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555




His scans were fine. We were sent home after they gave him some medication to keep him from throwing up, and for the pain...one is used for schizophrenia.




TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT




Then I got home and I had two rejection letters waiting for me for 2nd jobs. Not the worst part of my day..but it did not help things any.




I was numb untill today.




Today I am mourning the loss of life as I thought it was going to be. I think I needed to do this.




I am mourning for my son and I see the challanges ahead..and I am rolling twoards acceptance.








Tommorrow I will move on to acceptance...and I will fight the challanges with my son..




but today..


today I must tear off the superhero cape


cry like a baby...


eat chocolate ice cream...


scream into my pillow...


and be mad at the world


I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love. Mother Teresa



AlmightyHeidi


4 comments:

foam said...

i'm so sorry heidi ....
XXX

foam said...

it's not synesthesia?

AlmightyHeidi said...

I dunno yet Foam..I just dont know..Im thinking time will tell..but there is no off switch right now. The numbers are in his head, the letters he sees..all the time..it does not stop. It is a constant ramling in the head..and a hyper senstitvity to noise.

Matt D said...

Growing up I was often told that my older brother had schizophrenia or paranoid schizophrenia. It was very hard. He was in and out of various institutions. Given drugs of all kind ... it was really, really scary at times. And as a small boy, I'd constantly wonder about myself -- like if there was something wrong with him, then could there be something wrong with me to.

Having thought about this for years, I don't think anyone really understands these issues. They just use a lot of medical jargon to try and comfort us. You're a creative person, and I don't doubt your son is too. The best you can do is to stay open minded and be patient.

Things sound tough for you, so I really hope some good fortune finds you soon.

Your writing is amazing.