All the kings horses...

Through all this I think I have learned to enjoy the days where there is peace.. routine. It ended last week.

My son had returned to the "dark side". The coping side of his brother and sister and I make darth Vader sounds after he leaves the room, when he is just plain mean towards any one of us. Without the meds, he is very verbally abusive, and mean.
The last time he physically went after his brother and sister, which cannot happen again.

I spoke to him. He does not want to hear.

I want to scream.

I want to shake him by the shoulders and say STOP
stop, just stop
look what you are doing
look what you are becoming

Please let me help you


But he cannot see, he cannot hear. He is stuck in his own mind.

He shuts me out,
gets angry
does not want to talk about his medicine or illness at all.


I want to hold him on the ground
and shove the pills down his throat.



He has the look of darkness on him, of depression..of ocd and anxiety.


It is a real look of darkness.
He does not smile, circles are under his eyes, the light he had a few weeks ago is gone. He has confined himself to his room...I know this is his safe place
where he knows he will not fight with us all
There is not alot of conversation with him..because everything irritates him.


He quit taking his meds because “He knows what is right for him”
Im glad he at least told me the truth.


I cannot make him take his medicine..he is bigger..stronger…bullheaded.
I thought of hiding them in his food
But then he would think that he really is fine....
Which is a lie.

Instead
We all have confronted him
And let him know that he is not happy
He is slipping away
And we miss him,
and hope he remembers that the meds do make him better

If he chooses to continue to not take them
And slip away
I will have to admit him to the hospital
which will break my heart into a million pieces
I already hurt thinking about it


Where he will be forced to to take the meds
which will only happen if I cant reach him
or he becomes violent
or im afraid for his life
or stars hearing the voices
that dont exsist

So I hope he remembers the happy
The ability to make decisions
The focus on goals
I miss the light in his eyes
I miss my son.

I tell god
I am not equipped for this
I cant do this
I cannot fix this

and I know
it is not for me to fix

Im so tired.

~Almighty Heidi