4/12/2011

And On The Seventh Day...



"Mom, please get me out of here, please take me home"
" I can't love, you are not ready yet"

and we cry

It's been seven days since I took my son to inpatient rehab.

Every fiber of my being wanted to pack my son up and take him home.

Im really really starting hate the universe. I hate having to have had being a single mom.
I hate the weight of the world which is a two ton boulder.
I hate having to work nights just to keep a roof over our head and to have my sons be alone at night, without he watchful eye of mom.

I hate hearing about other parents honor school kids, and that they went to the beach, and soon they are going to Disney World.

It makes me want to vomit.

I hate that I have had one vacation with them ever..because I always have to work.

I hate not being able to pack my son up, and take him home, and have the world be ok for all of us.

I hate that I have had three back surgeries, and lost so much time when my kids were smaller. I hate that my daughter was in an accident and still has pain, and I hate that my other son has so much anxiety it is hard for him to leave the house.

I hate that their dad just dissappeared and does not even know that mike is in rehab, and Mike would like to see him but I dont even have a phone number to call him at.

I hate feeling that I was enough
I hate all of it. Every stinking bit.

I want to throw the covers over my head and cry, but it is all still there..every stinking bit.

So I ask the universe, to get me out of this

and she replies "I cant love, your not ready yet"

and I cry.

~Almighty Heidi

8 comments:

Shadow said...

oh hunny.... *hugs*

Marty said...

A heartbreaking post... beautifully written, but heartbreaking.

terri said...

i'm so sorry.......
i just so am.

Robin said...

You're strong my friend. Things will have to get better soon.

My thoughts are with you.

Robin

☼Illuminary☼ said...

no words
just ☮


♥☮
♥☮
♥☮
♥☮
♥☮

matt at shadow of iris said...

We all have to just hang in there ... we appreciate that most which we don't have.

That is, people rarely if ever appreciate what they have until it's taken from them.

Life is strange like that.

You can only do what you can do -- but keep fighting, and keep writing.

In your writing and in your actions, you add more beauty to the world than was there before you began.

Nurse Practitioner Sue said...

While it makes me sad, I'm glad you spewed your heartfelt mental vomit. It's too much to hold; too painful to bear alone. I want you to know I am here - just a call away (weekends and after 9 is usually free :-)).

I talked to a friend today and we were commiserating on how it seems like we just start picking ourselves up and something happens and we're right back in the pit. Life is so unfair.

Don't forget you are NOT alone. I'm here and I love you.

Wine and Words said...

I remember a similar summer with my son...where a truth reaches in with a claw of a hand and wrenches your heart to the surface of your skin. I remember being awed at the amount of knowledge I did not have...so blind with my own "stuff". My own son drowning and I closed off. I remember a lunch when I finally told him "I don't care what it is, what you've done, how bad it seems. I want to be in the eye of your storm rather than picking up the debris afterwards. Let it out. Let me in." Things are better. I can only give you that hope. We've all learned. We've all grown. And the distaste you are feeling for this day, this season, will turn, and sweet will once more be on your tongue.

Blessings and healing to you and your family.