Silence

(This is just an old relationship..just pondering it today)

The silence screams
making the air so thick I cannot breathe

but you look at me,
and I at you,

thumbing the next page of your newspaper
you sip your coffee
never once

did you hear me.

~Almighty Heidi

Ache

How do I dare
to tell you

What is in my heart

the dark shadowed places

that need to become light

The truth hurts so much

and yet releases me from my pain

~Almighty Heidi

(two blogs in one night. Sometimes you have to get it out :)

Empty Spaces

"The universe was once thought of an empty space. Astronomers once thought that the chance of two stars colliding was roughly once in an eternity"



Two stars dancing
circling round each other


Gravitational pull

Aching

twoards center.

take me willingly..
fill my empty space



Exploding.


Becoming one,

burning up in each others atmosphere,

lighting up heaven

on earth.

(Yeah..kinda hot :)



~Almighty Heidi

Lines

You are told not to cross the line

Lines drawn in the sand
so easily erased

Cross over


or stay behind

Standing on the line of quitting

Or seeing how much I can take

Almighty Heidi

Gravity and Reality

I wish I knew you

many years ago

I wish I were comfortable

In my own skin

had the guts to face my own self

in the mirror

Who you were

Who you were to become

Your likes

your dislikes

You had to find them on your own

Life is the forever school

Of my soul

never ending

I like purple

And Lilly's and lilacs

The smell of vanilla

Writing secrets

not

keeping them

Kisses on my neck

Hot baths

Glasses of wine

Silence

Peace and warmth

There is never enough

Even in happiness

There is never enough

maybe it is all the illusion

and my soul screams

"I dare you..to be you"

always wanting more ..

feeling like I'm in between two worlds

going 35 in a 65

my own thoughts haunting me

as I sleep

Is it another lesson

Maybe it is just the responsibility

to carry the world on the shoulders

and it is just the "right thing to do"

to be happy where I am

am I settling into comfort

into what is expected

or keep wanting

will I ever be fulfilled

who are you?

or..
who are you yet to become

I wish..

I knew you.

~Almighty Heidi

Spinning

Spinning in circles

the world blurs

I stretch out my 6 year old arms

spinning round and round

till I drop down to the fresh cut grass

breathing in

I watch the clouds and trees spin

loving the illusion

my world is in vertigo

she giggles to herself

"Lets do it again"

"It's not fun anymore"

I tell her

"Things are just too ...difficult

I cant."

"Come onnnnn..let your arms out like this"

I look at my arms crossed over my chest

and my hands are clenched

She says to me

"Let go"

and know I must

so I start to spin

all the colors begin to blur

falling to the ground I laugh

knowing my world

is just an illusion.

~Almighty Heidi

Then Came The Fall

The weather is slowly starting to change..from 95 to..oh ..85,but the evenings are not humid, the wind is blowing the leaves in my backyard making them dance.

Fall is absolutely my favorite!

It s warm hot chocolate, stew, pumpkin spice loaf comfort food season!

It does not get bitter cold here in Florida...

and we don't get the beautiful fall colors..

but we can turn the air down real low and pretend.

This fall is bringing my father to live with me after he lost his job, and we help him through foreclosure and bankruptcy and fighting the VA so he can get health care, because he was denied benefits...so now he is uninsured.

I miss leaves crunching under my feet,

The yellows, reds and oranges...

Originally he was to move with my brother to Japan. Long story, but the airforce regulations are to strict.

I miss the smell of wood burning fires..and watching the flames flickering in the fireplace...

This fall brings pain to my daughter who has no health insurance. She has two herniations in her back, and we are stuck on the red tape government system of hell.

Somehow they (medicaid)came up with a figure of 3450.00 a month per month deductible that she would have pay before they covered any care. They base it on the household income..which mine is below 2k. It makes no sense.

I wonder..if I could even see the leaves turn colors..everything seems so grey.

So I'm taking her to a free clinic, that might be able to refer her out...To whom I don't know.. She just wants to finish school, and I see her trying not to get defeated.

Then the issues with my son.

I wonder if I could feel the warmth from the fire..or could I stick my hand in and feel nothing

There is a lot of weight on my shoulders. It keeps me up at night and gives me wicked sad dreams. All I can do is take it day by day..

pray for lotto..

and watch the leaves in my backyard dance.

~Almighty Heidi