It is amazing how one..tiny shift, can upset my entire universe. It sets a ripple effect of questioning everything.
This is what I did last night. Questioned EVERYTHING.
I did not sleep, my post might not be very sane.
There was a movie I recently watched called War in seattle, or Battle in Seattle..something like that. Based on a true story of thousands of protesters, protesting the world trade orginization.
It really moved me.
Hard.
Anyways, not to go in super detail, but I was really hurt last night. Really really hurt. I am told that it is possibly a misconception of sorts, but my heart can't help what it feels. I don't trust my own judgement anymore...I'm suprised I still have a heart left ..it has been so wounded over the years.
I lie in bed and i was *pissed off* that I had all these silent tears running down my face... I hate crying, I hate feeling weak..a few months ago that would have never happened. I had ALOT of walls up. Fuck walls can be good right? They help guard against pain.
And thats when I heard the chanting.
It makes me laugh right now. In the movie, the protesters chanted in a scene..
"NOBODY IN NOBODY OUT....NOBODY IN NOBODY OUT"
If I dont let anyone in, i dont have to feel. If I don't show myself, if I just stay invisible... this is safe to.
It is a twisted way of thinking, these protective measures. We all have them.
So for today the protesters in my heart are chanting...
And then...
I have an immense amount of pent up anger I did not know was there. The Aliens are PISSED. I seriously wish I had a punching bag today. I am not a physical person, but I want to beat the shit outta something.
I am so angry at myself ...
I am angry at my mother
I am Livid in the "B" relationship
amongst other things.
And this..suprises me. "Ms. Dont rock the boat" is fucking ANGRY as hell.
Oh girl..today is a therapist day in overtime sesssion...somebody medicate me please...oh and did I mention I am dieting..I fucking want some chocolate.
Lord have mercy I just read my own blog and it scares even me. I need to find my "Happy place" now.
Latte'
Angry Almighty Heidi
3 comments:
sounds like 'something' is working it way out.
which is good becasue then when the crap is gone, there is room for new stuff.
Buy a punching bag and cry as required..its all part of the grieving process xx
I think childbirth was easier!!
Ha!
Heidi
interesting post and I also loved the health-post below!
thanks for becomming a follower. I must however tell you that I have some other blogs where I post more things in English like these two:
http://ahealthierwayofliving.blogspot.com/2009/03/chiropractic-as-questionable-method.html
and
http://livinginscandinavia.blogspot.com/
well there are more, you should just see what interests you most!
I had originally started off by writing in German, on some other blogs, but that prooved to be a stupid idea, because i don't like these blogs myself... well well, we all learn, don't we?!
Anyway, nice to have found you!
love, sarah sofia
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