11/09/2009

Angry Almighty


Anger

Weird how anger just creeps up on me these days. I suppose since the dust has settled, moving, surgery, illness, and now that the calm has set in…now all of a sudden..I’m just pissed off all the time...


Maybe I have created a monster. For years, i just did not allow myself to feel. Crying was a sign of weakness, other feelings had no place, because they did absolutly no good..at least that is what I told myself to get by...so this rush of emotion...oh baby as it been bottled up..and it's almost alien and I dont know what to do with it..where to catagorize it in my head, what to do with it..


All weekend, it was a beautiful..I spent some time at the park, and on the back yard with the tiki tourches..felt the breeze..the kids were fine..life was going ok..


But I am pissed…Why??
I can feel it rising from my belly, tightining to my chest, and with each breath, oozing out of my soul like poision...it feels like poision.


I had a dream last night..pissed me off, it was about my mom, leaving me with the responsibility of the husband she left, my dad. He has no one here but me, he has some health issues…I don’t know how to handle things sometimes..so I’m pissed...


My daughter emailed me today, said she’s staying with her dad..it hurts..and I hate getting hurt so..you guessed it, I am pissed.


One of my co-workers came in this morning, and started preaching on the inevitable doom of the company I work for..we all kinda feel like the end is coming, but hope it’s not, because it’s our bread and butter.
My father works for the same company, and has been here for almost 20 years…and well that worries me, and damn it what a crappy way to start a Monday..thanks for reminding me that we are all facing joblessness soon, and that I as a single provider to three teenagers, am always adressing this concern in the back of my mind, and it scares me and thanks alot you freakin asswipe for making my week untolerable already....so I am pissed...



I’m pissed at somebody who abused my trust. An apology came, but reminders of it still come around, and I can’t seem to fully let it go, and am not sure how..so im just pissed at the person, because I was hurt so terribly deep on an already beat up heart and pissed for letting my heavily guarded walls down...and why the fuck cant I seem to just move on like I always do?



I’m pissed that Christmas is coming too soon, and my finances are depleted.



I know that “This too shall pass”. I do know it is a process..most of this feeling is because of being hurt, and instead of tearing up, im just getting mad, and the more I let the mad out, the more I tear up..oh lordy Im a basket case..


Anger is flowin like a river..and honestly..oooooOOOOoooo ARGGgggggg ..and Im just cursing like a sailor..cause I can.


Almighty pissed off Heidi

6 comments:

Marsha said...

I relate a lot to that. I don't cry and whine so much as I get angry when I have feelings overwhelming me.

Gin said...

Anger is a necessary emotion. I cry too when I am angry more than when I am hurt. I have been feeling a lot of anger lately as well, but I am working through it. Hang in there Almighty Heidi. We're here and we're listening.

Chuck Dilmore said...

know what's good, tho?
you ID'd what pisses you off!

that's healthy!
so, from one sailor to another...
let that chit out!

fix the things you can fix.
leave the rest. ya know, fer the elves to fix.


but remember to focus on a dream, too.
short- or long-term... one that lights you up.
and feel it. and chase it.

and tell us all about it.
we got yer back~
C

Shadow said...

who can explain... i get like that too. nothing is right and everything grates... hang in there.

terri said...

anger can be good.
i think so, anyway.
it always seemed to be what moved mountains for me.....

maybe you can put it to work for you....ya never know.....

trust the process.

MaQuade said...

My 2 cents...

You keep talking about how you were never able to have those emotions because they were always invalidated. Now that invalidation is gone (I hope!) so you can now finally 'have some feelings'. OK, so they're not all pleasant... but at least now you're able to have them, bad AND good. I hope that, dispite this particular entry, they are much more positive than negative. But even those negatives, as several here have said in various ways, are probably best released/expressed rather than beaten back down and hidden to fester.

Your relationship with the people who follow you here is different from person to person; some closer than others. We are all here for you; we all LOVE you in appropriate measure based on those relationships.

L-
-J