Angry Almighty

Anger

Weird how anger just creeps up on me these days. I suppose since the dust has settled, moving, surgery, illness, and now that the calm has set in…now all of a sudden..I’m just pissed off all the time...

Maybe I have created a monster. For years, i just did not allow myself to feel. Crying was a sign of weakness, other feelings had no place, because they did absolutly no good..at least that is what I told myself to get by...so this rush of emotion...oh baby as it been bottled up..and it's almost alien and I dont know what to do with it..where to catagorize it in my head, what to do with it..

All weekend, it was a beautiful..I spent some time at the park, and on the back yard with the tiki tourches..felt the breeze..the kids were fine..life was going ok..

But I am pissed…Why??

I can feel it rising from my belly, tightining to my chest, and with each breath, oozing out of my soul like poision...it feels like poision.

I had a dream last night..pissed me off, it was about my mom, leaving me with the responsibility of the husband she left, my dad. He has no one here but me, he has some health issues…I don’t know how to handle things sometimes..so I’m pissed...

My daughter emailed me today, said she’s staying with her dad..it hurts..and I hate getting hurt so..you guessed it, I am pissed.

One of my co-workers came in this morning, and started preaching on the inevitable doom of the company I work for..we all kinda feel like the end is coming, but hope it’s not, because it’s our bread and butter.

My father works for the same company, and has been here for almost 20 years…and well that worries me, and damn it what a crappy way to start a Monday..thanks for reminding me that we are all facing joblessness soon, and that I as a single provider to three teenagers, am always adressing this concern in the back of my mind, and it scares me and thanks alot you freakin asswipe for making my week untolerable already....so I am pissed...

I’m pissed at somebody who abused my trust. An apology came, but reminders of it still come around, and I can’t seem to fully let it go, and am not sure how..so im just pissed at the person, because I was hurt so terribly deep on an already beat up heart and pissed for letting my heavily guarded walls down...and why the fuck cant I seem to just move on like I always do?

I’m pissed that Christmas is coming too soon, and my finances are depleted.

I know that “This too shall pass”. I do know it is a process..most of this feeling is because of being hurt, and instead of tearing up, im just getting mad, and the more I let the mad out, the more I tear up..oh lordy Im a basket case..

Anger is flowin like a river..and honestly..oooooOOOOoooo ARGGgggggg ..and Im just cursing like a sailor..cause I can.

Almighty pissed off Heidi