So this weekend..I was exhausted, grouchy, feeling unappreciated, taken forgranted..all the things moms feel. I started my second job, and I finally finished training.

The first seven dollar tip was like gold..because it was mine.

It has been hard. Very hard. Then there is tons of lifting, bending, and just total mayhem on the body. After three back surgeries, I am wondering what the hell I am doing waitressing. Between both jobs I worked 58 hours last week..and it will be 60 this week. Then I look at the bills on the table and know exactly why.

I feel blessed and cursed all at the same time. I’m trying to count my blessings..I really really am..but honestly...I just feel bitter..

and that is just my ugly side..here is what I am really feeling..my tantrum from my previous post has overflowed onto this page...

I am angry to be the only provider for my children.
I am angry the other parent has stepped out completely and does not give a damn.
I am angry because I work two jobs..and he chooses not to work at all.
I am angry that I put him through college.
I am angry that I want to go back to school, but cannot.

I am angry because my boyfriend has weekend plans..that I cannot attend..because I am busting my ass.
I am angry that even with a second job; I cannot cover my daughter’s health insurance.

I am angry because I deal with customers all day long, job one and job two, and I can "fix" things for them..make everything all better....but the important things in my life..my kids.....the stuff that needs fixed, I feel powerless.

I am angry because..where is my joy? Where is my dinner out? Where is my happiness..where is my vacation? Where is my "let me make it all better for you" person?

Yeah..theres the temper tantrum!

And if I hear...of your family..going to the beach..or to the movies..or out to eat...and what a great time you had..Im going to smile..say thats great...and throw up all at the same time....I want to take my kids to the beach..ya know??

But that is me..in my bitter place.

I am so jealous of one of my friends being a stay at home mom, I can barely talk to her anymore, because of my own bitterness..again..I know that’s wrong..I know it.

I am angry..because I am tired of the responsibility completely on my shoulders.

I don’t want to wear the superhero cape anymore..

There..I've said it. Brutal tantrum honesty.

~Almighty Heidi...

*Picking the cape off of the floor..dusting the stomp prints off of it, and putting it back on*


AkasaWolfSong said...


I 'hear' you, and you know what? I'd be angry too! Been there, done that, and have the big damn T-shirt. What is really powerful is that you stomped on that cape and put it back on Sister! Believe it or not I think you are a Superhero! I bet your children think so too in those moments of quiet. How could you not be? Think about that Sweetie...
And by the way, thank you for reminding me of something today! I can stomp on my cape and dust it off and put it back on!
Club Cape! Now that's a thought, he he!
Blessings and Peace,

AlmightyHeidi said...

Thanks Akasa...your blog was beautiful today btw :)

AkasaWolfSong said...

Thanks Heidi...that means a lot to me!

You are more than welcome to comment there any time!


Wait. What? said...


there were times when my husband was at his worst drunk stage - days at a time i would not see him and then when I did it was dreadful and I wondered what it would have been like, having a father that was involved with my children, thought of them first, or at all... anything but burrying himsself in the bottom of a bottle...

But, I stayed because I could not manage the idea of being a single mom alone even if he was not there...I was not very courageous, because I bet I could ahve done it on my own if I had too.

Hearing you in this, I am sure we are all go through some inner turmoil that is spawned from the exact same place in our hearts...

You are not alone, even if you feel isolated at times and over worked and underpaid, the job you are doing in raising your children is the most important.

And I guarantee you that your time will come, and so will mine, once the kids are set and on their own.