Ugly

So this weekend..I was exhausted, grouchy, feeling unappreciated, taken forgranted..all the things moms feel. I started my second job, and I finally finished training.

The first seven dollar tip was like gold..because it was mine.

It has been hard. Very hard. Then there is tons of lifting, bending, and just total mayhem on the body. After three back surgeries, I am wondering what the hell I am doing waitressing. Between both jobs I worked 58 hours last week..and it will be 60 this week. Then I look at the bills on the table and know exactly why.

I feel blessed and cursed all at the same time. I’m trying to count my blessings..I really really am..but honestly...I just feel bitter..

and that is just my ugly side..here is what I am really feeling..my tantrum from my previous post has overflowed onto this page...

I am angry to be the only provider for my children.
I am angry the other parent has stepped out completely and does not give a damn.
I am angry because I work two jobs..and he chooses not to work at all.
I am angry that I put him through college.
I am angry that I want to go back to school, but cannot.

I am angry because my boyfriend has weekend plans..that I cannot attend..because I am busting my ass.
I am angry that even with a second job; I cannot cover my daughter’s health insurance.

I am angry because I deal with customers all day long, job one and job two, and I can "fix" things for them..make everything all better....but the important things in my life..my kids.....the stuff that needs fixed, I feel powerless.


I am angry because..where is my joy? Where is my dinner out? Where is my happiness..where is my vacation? Where is my "let me make it all better for you" person?

Yeah..theres the temper tantrum!

And if I hear...of your family..going to the beach..or to the movies..or out to eat...and what a great time you had..Im going to smile..say thats great...and throw up all at the same time....I want to take my kids to the beach..ya know??

But that is me..in my bitter place.

I am so jealous of one of my friends being a stay at home mom, I can barely talk to her anymore, because of my own bitterness..again..I know that’s wrong..I know it.

I am angry..because I am tired of the responsibility completely on my shoulders.

I don’t want to wear the superhero cape anymore..

There..I've said it. Brutal tantrum honesty.

~Almighty Heidi...


*Picking the cape off of the floor..dusting the stomp prints off of it, and putting it back on*