What Now?

I don't know whch way is up, or down, left or right. It is all spinning, so I lay myself dwn in the middle of the road, untill maybe..just maybe I can make sense of it all.

Did I REALLY piss the universe off?

Im really trying, Im really really trying to do everything good and right, by the book, love my kids, take care of everything but...

It is a sickining feeling. Rent due, and 125.00 in the bank account.

This week has been an amazing reeling of emotion.

The first day of my job loss was shock.

Then anger not getting my last paycheck for 2 weeks of pay.

Then panic...

despair...

alot of tears.

Many many tears.

Time is not even making sense. it is one o'clock then 5.

My dreams are filled with alligators surrounding me and there is no way out, but to be attacked.

Seriously.

My dad who worked for the company for 20 years is going to lose his house, car, everything.

The good news is my brother s going to claim him as a dependant, and my dad will be moving to Japan where he will have his health care needs, and basic needs ..food..shelter...warmth..love..

I WANT this for my dad. He needs a fresh start. He NEEDS medical. So I tell him please to go.

The bad news is...My saftey net. What used to be home...the place you go when it all falls apart..the place I moved after my divorce for a few months to get back up on my feet...home is gone.

I have never felt so alone.

It is an oppresive force.

I am responsible for three children..with no child support..only working part time...

today I only made 25.00

and I am really really scared.

if something happens..I cant go home.

There is no place to go.

Im trying to hold onto hope that it will be ok.

I check my email and my phone for missed calls and emails

like I have OCD, hoping I did not miss a call from a job.

The Almighty Heidi is not quite feeling almighty anymore.

There are too many emotions that I have felt and Almighty isn't even in the catagory.

Heidi

Trail of tears

Today, after 35 years the company I worked for has closed it's doors. My father worked for the company for 20, mysef for 8, and the paycheck for the past two weeks we will not be getting.

My father is 61 years old, with no savings or retirement, and with mulitple health issues, no health insurance.

I have three kids, and no child support.

The earth has shifted
My world is shaken
and I feel alone and scared.

I dont know how to take care of everyone.

I dont how not to go under.


It is a bad day. A bad bad day.

~AlmightyHeidi

Changes

Change: Something made different: alteration, substitution. Replacement, make or become different.

We all need change. I prefer not to have it. There was a recent study about men and women showing that 80 percent of women did not like change. I get it. I do not like moving, or switching jobs, changes within the home or routine, and the wrench thrown in like a 1000.00 part for the car.

The unexpected makes my world go in vertigo. Spinning I cannot control the outcome.

But change is always one thing that will always happen..something made different…good and bad..

I guess..looking at it all, im glad im not the same person I was 10 years ago..or 20 for that matter. I think I have brought along the good parts of me along the way..and the other “stuff” you either feed along the way and it gets fatter, or you it go..wherever “it” is.

So I wrote this ..just thinking today:

The days I thought I lost control

There was no compass to guide me

Now understanding

I was in the right direction all along

The paths alter
Each footprint blind in the dark
Evolving, changing, shifting

My soul moving in and out

with each breath here on earth

And when I can not hear her
Saying turn this way or that

I know that I will land softly
In faith

even I do not understand

Transforming
Into what I was meant to become
So far away from where I thought I would be.

~Almighty Heidi

Roaring Thunder

I

feel

like


there is so much more

than what I can see with my own eyes..


I feel it in my soul

tugging..

a longing
the quiet fire
my soul beats
to a roaring thunder
lightning in my veins

My heart..and my gut


reaching out

again and again

and I hunger to hear

always

thirsty

to the last beat


wanting more

listen to my rain..

~AlmightyHeidi

Shadow Dancing

(This short poem was inspired by this particular song, and a dance I saw last night. Music ..she speaks to me)

Will you catch me when I fall

back

Trusting your arms to lift me

up

You caught me in your warmth

the quiet fire
that was once lit

shadows of ourselves dance upon the walls

glowing embers burn your image
into my soul

Will you catch me once again?

Can you find me

in the smoke that remains

looking for you..

or all that is left,

is ash?

Will you

catch me?

~Almighty Heidi