Light a candle

This weekend, I was sick, real sick.

So much stress at times it has been unbareable. My daughters health insurance ends through the state when she turns 19 in less than 60 days. She has one surgery scheduled for her jaw..and for three months it will be wired shut.

But, that is not the issue. She reinjred her back where she has surgery. From the mri results it says she has a new herniation as well as reherniating the disk where she had the surgery. Medicaid here only covers if you are an adult female that is with child or that has children, which she is not. So in order to make sure she gets the care she needs I am left putting her on my insurance with a 5 k deductible and will take 380 out of my monthy paycheck.

So I got sick to my stomach. I dont know how to make this work. Her father has stepped out of the situation completly...but im tired of my emotions taking hold..my brain is on overlaod, and my soul aches. So I just unclenched my hands and let go.

Today...I just stepped into the land of acceptance, instead of making myself ill over it. I dont have all the answers, I dont know how its all gonna work...I dont know, but I will do what I know how.

I cleaned all Kaylas laundry, hung everything up so it is easy to reach, rearranged her drawers so everything she need is on the top drawer since she cant bend to get to the others. I lit a candle in her room, and I prayed as I cleaned. I made up the bed on the couch since her old lousy mattress causes pain. I shampoo'd her hair since it huts to much for her to do it herself. I keep the icepack cold in the freezer and keep her medicine nearby. My pugs keep watch, especailly cosmo who is usally my lap dog, he has turned into hers, not leaving her side.


My son is on new medication where he wants to sleep all the time, which Im hoping is healing for him. So I cleaned the clutter in his room, fluffed his pillow and made his bed so he can find rest. I lit a candle and prayed while I cleaned.

My other son is feeling lost in the shuffle, so I organized is clutter hoping he can find himself again..and I lit a candle, as a cleaned I prayed.

This is all I know to do.
I feel so empty, so I wait to see if Ican hear my soul speak..instead of my brain being in overload.

So I pray, and clean, and wait, and see what will happen next.

Almighty Heidi

Glacier Bay

I read a quote today

"Im standing on a line between quitting and seeing how much I can take.."

Well I have no choice but to take it..I mumble to myself.

There is no quitting in the place where I stand, so I cross over to place where I feel blow upon blow, jolting my soul till it shivers on the bathroom floor.

My daughter re-injured her back. We get the results on Wednesday to see if she needs another surgery..on top of a surgery she is having in 5 weeks where her jaw will be wired for 3 months.

My middle child has severe OCD and anxiety...

Doc: What do you think is OCD Nathan:
Nate:I clench my hands, or my toes or my eyes. I cant stop,

Doc:What happens when you stop.
Nate:I cant take it..I want to die.(my heart is in my throat)

Doc:So what do you do when you cant stop?
Nate:I Keep going to the next level. I see letters.
Doc: Like the alphabet?
Nate:Yes..Mostly t and f..I try and focus on them..lower case.. lower case..but then if I cant get it It goes all the way through to upper case then lower case to t..and f...t...and f. ( and I look at his face and I know he sees the letters as he is tracing them with his finger in the air)

Oh man..oh man...im thinking. ..ive never heard he wants to die..or he is having hallucinations.

Doc: Do you hear things?

Nate: No No no of course not..hearing things is like schizophrena..ive read that Im not like them..no I dont hear things. ....

This is not ever how I dreamed my childrens lives would be...never ever never ever ever.


Then..the same day as this doctor appointment my youngest son tells me he has been smoking alot of pot and would like to get counseling too, he is depressed as he is becoming more and more concerned about their dad who is in the hospital...and his brother and sister.

After all the kids were tucked away in the rooms..

I turned the shower on and cried on my bathroom floor and wanted to puke ..so I hugged my new best friend..Glaicier Bay.. Glacier Bay sounds like such a lovely place...

that is the name of my toilet...

at least thats what it says near the lid.

Glaciers made me think of Alaska....maybe I just need to jump in my car..to Alaska...I hate the cold, I live in Florida..but maybe it would numb my insides.

In all seriousness..it would be nice..to just pause so my heart can breathe...and I would ask for my emotions back as they seem to belong to whatever situation happens to come along as of late.
Oh and whoever said that god never gives you more than you can handle..is a fucking liar...just putting it out there...my 2 cents.

Almighty Heidi

Touch

I was reading a blog about a person who was violently ill on a plane. The woman next to her, a complete stranger could not speak her language but offered her coat, and stroked her arm through the flight…Shhhhh she would day Shhhhh as if she were a child. I was really in awe over this. Most would people would want another seat. Here is her link she allowed me to post.

http://www.oriahsinvitation.blogspot.com/

So I started writing..

There are no words

To heal my wounds

I cannot hear you

The hidden places that do not show

Bruised and blistered

Blind my ears

But you know
You understand, you’ve been there before

And you cover me with your coat of compassion
Protecting the fragility of my soul

Stroke my hair
With the hands of affection

As my emotions cripple my insides
Wrap me in your arms of comfort

Like a mother to its child
Shhhhhhhhhh

And you let me rest for awhile
As I find my way back

To unbroken.

~Almighty Heidi

Grasshopper

When I was six I would pick dandelions. I did not know they were weeds. In my world they were beautiful yellow flowers...and these same flowers you could blow on and make wishes with.

About four houses down there was an elderly lady named Ms. White. I found out real fast if I brought her my treasured flowers, she would get wishes, I would get cookies!

I loved her..

Sometimes though, Ms. White’s great grandson would be over to visit. When I saw him behind her at the door, I wanted to run the other way, but she looked at me with relief..like somehow I could tame the wild animal with my magic powers.

Not so.

He was very hyper and it drove my little self nuts.

I wanted to dip my cookies in the milk, and watch the grasshopper in the screen. Ms. White would busy herself in the kitchen ignoring the boy who was in the chair out of the chair, back in the chair, out of the chair, tugging on grandmas apron, lying on the floor, talking to me…

interrupting my wonder of the grasshopper I roll my eyes in irritation and leave.

This is just a memory that brought me into this...

Dear God...the more invisible you are to me, the more I feel invisible to you.

I feel like the little boy who is in the chair, out of the chair, on the floor..trying to get your attention…

If there is a god..you don’t see me

Maybe you are looking somewhere else

Perhaps contemplating the grasshopper

Maybe you are busing yourself making something in the kitchen

Maybe I am just irritating

Maybe your just ticked cause I brought you weeds

I am here I am

look at me..see me…

Can I have a cookie?

Maybe I just need a dandilion and a wish...

Almighty Heidi