My Invisible Karma Fish

I want to go outside..by the water..and listen to the ocean for awhile. I want to listen to the waves..and then start daydreaming...

daydreaming has always been a great escape.

I think it is our souls way of taking a deep breath.

I took alot of "deep breaths" in grade school..and got in alot of trouble...

then you become an adult..and forget how to breathe.

I had a few old notes I found to myself yesterday that reminded me that I used to have a goofy side...that came mostly from my really silly, and not so right, imagination....

so I decided to text my daughter...

"I have complety forgotten where I put my genetically alterd cyber monkey..then I found out he turned to the darkside, now Im stuck with Mysitcal Burrito Head Man and his side kick Taco Tom..damn.."

She called...to make sure I was ok.

I just remember making up goofy characters and being utterly silly when my kids were small...its kind of a shame because my daughter did not remember ..it has been way too long...

Making up characters, and stories of places was always a part of me..I liked to dream of rooms..with hidden doors, funny creatures...and magic..I LOVED creative writing and journaling..when everyone in class rolled their eyes groaning in pain at the thought.

I guess I might as well come all the way out of the closet now...

I love sci-fi too.

Lets face it, the AlmightyHeidi and Captain Markle" (the worlds best and most awesomest super heros..fighters agains evil dooers..monsters under the bed..and unfair parenting )

It had to come from somehwere right?!

Maybe one day I will write of all the old places in my head...I need to dust them off..all the old stories, rows upon rows in a room, to the left side of my thalamus....

I think its time...were going to have to bring out the big guns... to help jog the memory : Im gonna "Bust you up" Bob and the Invisable Karma Fish...just sayin..I cant take a trip to the beach....

but I will always have mystical burrito head man..even if he is a bit overweight, never wears a shirt and smells a bit...

...and the kids are not too old right..??

and EVERYONE needs the Invisible Karma Fish on their side...

~Almighty Heidi

Anger..and pain

Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.~Eckhart Tolle

I saw this...I thought..well..it is so true..and had so much to do with my post below.

For the girl..no the woman..that held everything inside...

well..it's ok to feel ya know..

Especially when you get a reminder from the universe of where it all comes from...
and have an understanding

that you are still hurting
and hurting for your children

and angry
and its ok to be angry

It is ok to feel.

That's big for me.

~Almighty Heidi

Ugly

So this weekend..I was exhausted, grouchy, feeling unappreciated, taken forgranted..all the things moms feel. I started my second job, and I finally finished training.

The first seven dollar tip was like gold..because it was mine.

It has been hard. Very hard. Then there is tons of lifting, bending, and just total mayhem on the body. After three back surgeries, I am wondering what the hell I am doing waitressing. Between both jobs I worked 58 hours last week..and it will be 60 this week. Then I look at the bills on the table and know exactly why.

I feel blessed and cursed all at the same time. I’m trying to count my blessings..I really really am..but honestly...I just feel bitter..

and that is just my ugly side..here is what I am really feeling..my tantrum from my previous post has overflowed onto this page...

I am angry to be the only provider for my children.
I am angry the other parent has stepped out completely and does not give a damn.
I am angry because I work two jobs..and he chooses not to work at all.
I am angry that I put him through college.
I am angry that I want to go back to school, but cannot.

I am angry because my boyfriend has weekend plans..that I cannot attend..because I am busting my ass.
I am angry that even with a second job; I cannot cover my daughter’s health insurance.

I am angry because I deal with customers all day long, job one and job two, and I can "fix" things for them..make everything all better....but the important things in my life..my kids.....the stuff that needs fixed, I feel powerless.


I am angry because..where is my joy? Where is my dinner out? Where is my happiness..where is my vacation? Where is my "let me make it all better for you" person?

Yeah..theres the temper tantrum!

And if I hear...of your family..going to the beach..or to the movies..or out to eat...and what a great time you had..Im going to smile..say thats great...and throw up all at the same time....I want to take my kids to the beach..ya know??

But that is me..in my bitter place.

I am so jealous of one of my friends being a stay at home mom, I can barely talk to her anymore, because of my own bitterness..again..I know that’s wrong..I know it.

I am angry..because I am tired of the responsibility completely on my shoulders.

I don’t want to wear the superhero cape anymore..

There..I've said it. Brutal tantrum honesty.

~Almighty Heidi...


*Picking the cape off of the floor..dusting the stomp prints off of it, and putting it back on*

My Heaven

Take me to the place of in between

before the day is over

and the night begins

I can feel the earth slow

just for that moment

not quite spring

not quite summer

Where seasons

right before the change

blend as one

and I breathe them in

all is well.

Take me back to the fields I dream of

in my in between

not quite sleep, and not quite awake

where the breeze is always warm

and the sun shines upon my face.

I want to go back

to the in between

before

the present,

which writes itself, every moment

in every moment ,

I cant figure it out
and dont know what to do
everything around me
is moving to quickly


I need the earth to slow

I need to breathe

I need the sun to shine upon my face

take me back

to the in between


~Almighty Heidi

Tantrum

Just scribbling....my innerself is having a temper tantrum today.

I want it all.

I am not spoiled, nor have been

I just want the moon and the sky

The apple pie and the ice cream

I want the happy

The joy

The life I want

The moments that take my breath away

I feel like I could just grab it

but Im out of arms reach

I don’t want to choose

Poverty or exhaustion

Hot or cold

Up or down

I want it all

all of it

But along for the ride

comes

the good

and the bad

Damn.

~Almighty Heidi

The Lion

Sleepless thoughts

Pulling me under

Keeping me awake at night

Oh soul

Why must you worry

What if.. maybe it is ..perfect?

Though it seems less than

much less



but it is the right place





where you are





where you stand





it’s time to grab onto the life that has been given





allowing dreams, to be the hope





and not the misfortune




You are courage under fire


grace you have found
in the ashes



rise up





oh soul





and celebrate it all.









Almighty Heidi

Music..it's like honey

Soft acoustic rolling through my head

Speaking without words

What I feel within

Swaying with my eyes closed

My body becomes the melody

Singing sweetly

of how I ache for you

~Almighty Heidi