Then Came The Fall

The weather is slowly starting to change..from 95 to..oh ..85,but the evenings are not humid, the wind is blowing the leaves in my backyard making them dance.

Fall is absolutely my favorite!

It s warm hot chocolate, stew, pumpkin spice loaf comfort food season!

It does not get bitter cold here in Florida...

and we don't get the beautiful fall colors..

but we can turn the air down real low and pretend.

This fall is bringing my father to live with me after he lost his job, and we help him through foreclosure and bankruptcy and fighting the VA so he can get health care, because he was denied benefits...so now he is uninsured.

I miss leaves crunching under my feet,

The yellows, reds and oranges...

Originally he was to move with my brother to Japan. Long story, but the airforce regulations are to strict.

I miss the smell of wood burning fires..and watching the flames flickering in the fireplace...

This fall brings pain to my daughter who has no health insurance. She has two herniations in her back, and we are stuck on the red tape government system of hell.

Somehow they (medicaid)came up with a figure of 3450.00 a month per month deductible that she would have pay before they covered any care. They base it on the household income..which mine is below 2k. It makes no sense.

I wonder..if I could even see the leaves turn colors..everything seems so grey.

So I'm taking her to a free clinic, that might be able to refer her out...To whom I don't know.. She just wants to finish school, and I see her trying not to get defeated.

Then the issues with my son.

I wonder if I could feel the warmth from the fire..or could I stick my hand in and feel nothing

There is a lot of weight on my shoulders. It keeps me up at night and gives me wicked sad dreams. All I can do is take it day by day..

pray for lotto..

and watch the leaves in my backyard dance.

~Almighty Heidi

My Sun, My Son

I miss you
who was swallowed
by the darkness

The water is illuminated by the moonlight
brilliant and beautiful

you who
are evaporated by the sun
feeling there is nothing left

please let me hold your hand


hear my voice

oh son
I would give my own life
so that you could feel light on your face

hope


Listen to the voice
that brings you back with the tide
because you are
brilliant and beautiful

~Almighty Heidi

All the kings horses...

Through all this I think I have learned to enjoy the days where there is peace.. routine. It ended last week.

My son had returned to the "dark side". The coping side of his brother and sister and I make darth Vader sounds after he leaves the room, when he is just plain mean towards any one of us. Without the meds, he is very verbally abusive, and mean.
The last time he physically went after his brother and sister, which cannot happen again.

I spoke to him. He does not want to hear.

I want to scream.

I want to shake him by the shoulders and say STOP
stop, just stop
look what you are doing
look what you are becoming

Please let me help you


But he cannot see, he cannot hear. He is stuck in his own mind.

He shuts me out,
gets angry
does not want to talk about his medicine or illness at all.


I want to hold him on the ground
and shove the pills down his throat.



He has the look of darkness on him, of depression..of ocd and anxiety.


It is a real look of darkness.
He does not smile, circles are under his eyes, the light he had a few weeks ago is gone. He has confined himself to his room...I know this is his safe place
where he knows he will not fight with us all
There is not alot of conversation with him..because everything irritates him.


He quit taking his meds because “He knows what is right for him”
Im glad he at least told me the truth.


I cannot make him take his medicine..he is bigger..stronger…bullheaded.
I thought of hiding them in his food
But then he would think that he really is fine....
Which is a lie.

Instead
We all have confronted him
And let him know that he is not happy
He is slipping away
And we miss him,
and hope he remembers that the meds do make him better

If he chooses to continue to not take them
And slip away
I will have to admit him to the hospital
which will break my heart into a million pieces
I already hurt thinking about it


Where he will be forced to to take the meds
which will only happen if I cant reach him
or he becomes violent
or im afraid for his life
or stars hearing the voices
that dont exsist

So I hope he remembers the happy
The ability to make decisions
The focus on goals
I miss the light in his eyes
I miss my son.

I tell god
I am not equipped for this
I cant do this
I cannot fix this

and I know
it is not for me to fix

Im so tired.

~Almighty Heidi

What If...

“Courage is the discovery that you may not win,
and trying when you know you can lose.”



What if..
today were day one...
you could start the change
you need in yourself..
or you could help someone else's day
or dream
with a random act of kindness

What if today
were the day you looked at yourself in the mirror
and decided to make peace with the person looking back?

What if today were not just some other days of going to work, or paying bills..

What if today you changed your perspective and
see the glass half full for once
even if there is nothing left in it.

What if today you tried to wear out the words " I love you"

What if you could taste, for a second how delicious life is today

What if
today, were tomorrow and you started all over again
the change you need to see in yourself
the kindness
the I love you....



~Almighty Heidi

Woman

I think somewhere along the way I was lost...really lost.

As women we do not feel pretty enough, or even whole enough to do the daily tasks of being mother, friend, daughter, coworker...

we just don't feel enough.


I have been working the past few years to figure out why, and I guess along the way that "feeling less than feeling" is starting to fade..but I know it will always try and find it's way out, clawing at my soul to feed it the negative thoughts coming from the past.

There is a song I found..it is a Christan song. I am not into Christianity at all...it left a sour taste in my mouth.

My spirit now resides from the inside out,
but the words...well damn they were good so I thought I would share, I have it playing now, but here are the lyrics..and I though about my friends..who are single moms, who have been abused, who have had their souls ripped from them..and all we want as human, as woman is to feel worthy..and beautiful...

I know I needed a reminder of this when I was 16. I wanted to to leave this world, there was too much pain..I really tried to take my own life.

..but a small fant voice inside said..no..stop...and the road ahead by myself..getting myself through was so difficult.


Sometimes we all need the still small voice inside, or that of a friend, if you are lucky, that says no,stop,enough... let me help you off that ledge

you are worthy, you are enough..let me hold your hand..and start walking down the rough road ahead with you.


So here's to you my friends,
those walking the hard roads,
I can hold your hand because I have been there
you are worthy and beautiful, and who you are is quite enough


(it is a mushy blog tonight..just thinking about the past and a few friends in the present going through dark times)

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory



You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

~Almighty Heidi