Vision

Putting on foot in front of the other

the next step

in the timeline of my life

Mind blurring with the past

full of misdirection

The universe pushing me forth

against my will

like the birth of a child

screaming when she gets her first breath of air

in fear of the unknown

Forced to put one foot in front of the other

pitch black

seeing nothing

not knowing

up or down

left of right

my soul

telling me to follow my heart.

~Almighty Heidi

The Welcome Mat

So much has happened in the last few months, one day I will write about..but for now, here is just a snippit of my day..I just felt like writing..nothing intense, just..whatever..my own mini story of the afternoon.

Im finally moving around some things that have been sitting in awkward places after I moved in March. My father brought over a cooler that is packed with dishes…knick knacks I picked out when my mom abruptly left my dad two years ago after a high school reunion.. I vaguely remember packing them with my dad, as he told me to take anything I wanted. It was “all going in the trash anyways.”

His house was like the aftermath of a hurricane…evidence of my mom’s hoarding left behind in all the corners of the home.

I’m was not sure if I even want the dishes now, it is a reminder of once was, but my dad…brought it up four flights of stairs one Saturday, after keeping them at his house for the past two years…this was a total act of love…It is 52 steps up…FIFTY TWO….this is love, I must keep them.

The cooler was my grandparents..the only thing I have of theirs that belongs to me, because it was left behind one year and never given back I suppose. The “Coleman 64”

I remember years ago,my grandmother coming over with it filled with ham and goodies for the holidays…when she passed away, the family get together..seemed to stop..or at least they never were as they once were.

We did not know she was such a driving force in the family’s happiness. She was the glue.

Change, death, loss, they all seem to come into your life and disrupt the pattern that was comfortable, that felt..normal. It comes at once and leaves you in the aftermath of how to continue forward, because forward..is now forever changed, different….un glued.

So… now all the awkward places are cleaned up.To me cleaning is therapy..putting things back where they belong, making the dirty clean, folding, scrubbing, organizing..it is the only peace that is left in the almighty’s world. Trying to glue my life..finding the controllable..knowing where everything is…and…well honestly..to not have anything left behind in the corners of my home..hmmmm.

It is a bit sick as I find it odd that I took a mop to my front porch today…who does that…?!

While…mopping….the front porch,(who does that) ... I contemplated getting a welcome mat.

...but laughed at myself in the store thinking it should really say “Crazy lives here”..yeah that’s more like it. ..or..”You climbed 52 stairs to get here are you out of your mind?” Even my dog sounds like he needs an asthma inhaler and oxygen mask no when he comes up.

I don’t know what I was thinking when I moved..actually I do, the rent was fifty dollars less a month..which is a lot to me who has not seen child support in two years….but I would now officially sell my body, just so that I could live on the first floor .

Especially on shopping day.

That’s all I got for now J

Peace,

The Almighty Heidi

I am Mom

I loved you before I even knew you.
I rubbed my belly
wondering who you were.

I was there waiting.

I know your dad has disappeared
in the times where you really needed him.

Your innocence,

trust,

and dissapointment..

but I will show up.

I will make sure you don't live without.
You will have a roof over your head
food, and clothes on your back

to keep you safe

I might work alot,

but I will always show up when you need me.

I will be there to hold your hand when your first love breaks your heart
with a gallon of ice cream and tissues and tenderness.

When you are hurt I will find a band aid
and when there is not one big enough for the ache you feel inside,

even though you want to put up walls of armor,

to protect,

from all the monsters...

not behind the closet but

from within yourself

the voices of doubt

that replays itself

over and over in your mind,

makng you feel like less than

but I know you are more.

the world is not right

and everything seems so wrong...

I will show up
to help you through.

If you mess up along the way,
life hands you things that you can't be ready for

I will be there.

When you take a wrong turn
I will show you how tough love can be,

and wait for you,

though it hurts to my core

to come back,
and when you are ready,

I will be right here..

because I am your Mom.


Although it has not always been good and perfect,
I am waiting for you
to find out who you really are,
knowing that

I loved you before I knew you.

~Almighty Heidi Momma

And On The Seventh Day...

"Mom, please get me out of here, please take me home"
" I can't love, you are not ready yet"

and we cry

It's been seven days since I took my son to inpatient rehab.

Every fiber of my being wanted to pack my son up and take him home.

Im really really starting hate the universe. I hate having to have had being a single mom.
I hate the weight of the world which is a two ton boulder.
I hate having to work nights just to keep a roof over our head and to have my sons be alone at night, without he watchful eye of mom.

I hate hearing about other parents honor school kids, and that they went to the beach, and soon they are going to Disney World.

It makes me want to vomit.

I hate that I have had one vacation with them ever..because I always have to work.

I hate not being able to pack my son up, and take him home, and have the world be ok for all of us.

I hate that I have had three back surgeries, and lost so much time when my kids were smaller. I hate that my daughter was in an accident and still has pain, and I hate that my other son has so much anxiety it is hard for him to leave the house.

I hate that their dad just dissappeared and does not even know that mike is in rehab, and Mike would like to see him but I dont even have a phone number to call him at.

I hate feeling that I was enough
I hate all of it. Every stinking bit.

I want to throw the covers over my head and cry, but it is all still there..every stinking bit.

So I ask the universe, to get me out of this

and she replies "I cant love, your not ready yet"

and I cry.

~Almighty Heidi

The Storm

The midnight quiet darkness is broken
dangerous lightning
ghostly wind
the trees sound like ocean waves outside my window
limbs bending forcefully back and forth
angry explosions of thunder make me curl up into my blanket
I start to hear the heartbeat of the rain on my window
and feal not fear,
but peace
~Almighty Heidi


My place, my truth, myself, I feel so safe and warm, and right.

But all around me there is a storm that has been brewing.
My youngest son Michael will be going away for inpatient drug rehab.
He was caught up in his own storm.


We were all having our own crisis..
and he was the left behind lost boy
trying to find his way
his sister having alot of surgeries,
his brother having a mental breakdown
his dad..disappearing
his mom finding her own way
He found comfort solace in all the wrong things.


Our family is broken
the storm rages
my mothers soul is being forcefully bent
afraid of the dangerous lightning
I hang on to the heartbeat of this new rain
trying to understand it and
make peace for what is and what is to come.
Finding grace in grief.

~Almighty Heidi

Following The Trail Of Honey

"I don't see much sense in that," said Rabbit.
"No," said Pooh humbly, "there isn't. But there was going to be when I began it. It's just that something happened to it along the way."”


There is a place my soul has been seeking, the land of milk and honey..I have allowed myself to follow the trail of the honey to find myself..

I am happy
I am secure

though the world around me is spinning out of control,
a son that I have to seek support for,

another son I have to get a bunch of medical tests on,

a daughter who is in chronic pain,

my brother in Japan, him and his family praying against nuclear meltdown...
I should be a complete mess...

but instead..

I am just...complete.

Such a strange alien place where the trail of honey has led me...

In the darkend places there is light..

and the light is all I see.

I have so much to share...

about the places that happened along the way

~Almighty Heidi

Finding Center

I moved this past week
on my birthday

it was a re-birthday
Something I wanted to do, I needed to do
things have changed so much.
in a good..butterfly kinda way.

My new place is...zen. Warm..comforting..happy.
My favorite part is unpacking, and decorating.
I have an uncanny way of putting pictures up at the perfect height and perfectly centered, and the thought hit me..

The past year has been the most painful, suffocating, exhausting....

It has had me face my own self,and I listened to her...
I really listened to my own soul....


I have found my center
What a great re-birthay present

it is zen
warm
comfort
happy...and Im holding onto that

because..

Life is difficult
Teens with issues,
bills to pay...
Single mommy hood with alot of hours at work
and not enough at home..

But finding my own center
of peace

maybe everything else might just fall into place a bit easier



It is time for my re-birthday. I will celebrate it every day
Come with me

Live OUT LOUD

this is the life I have
and am ready to fly,
ready to live.

I am free

Almighty Heidi