Ummmm...just so my entire (two)loyal readers club knows, the prozac moment has past, I did not end up in the psychiatric ward, or crawl under my desk and land in the fetal position. The last blog... I was just having a really bad day(s)..ok really bad 15 years...but I'm all better now...really. Ok not really, but I don't FEEL as bad.
Not so pychotic, and not cursing for the moment,
Heidi
11/30/2005
11/29/2005
LEAVE ME ALONE
Ok, Thanksgiving went by all ready, integrated with a friends wedding, an anniversary, and my brother in town, it proved to be too much. Sunday night B and I got into a tiff, which then I was fuming all night and got 4 hours sleep. So by Monday, I was exausted, everyone came in from 4 days off, all cheerful wondering how my Thanksgiving weekend was. Just fucking great. So I try and put on this smile, but under the bagged eyes it looked as though I had too much to dring, when really, I was just recovering from life and not alcohol. Then everyone wanted to know what was wrong...and I DON"T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
I will tell you all my favorite thing that got me ready for the most recent tiff with "B"... notice I say tiff. We don't "fight". There are never raised voices, or hands, or anything of that nature.
Here is my ephiny which I think I misspelled:
This is the key that kept my sanity. All three of the guys in my life that I have had serious relationships with have done this. When it comes your turn to talk about what has happened, why you are upset, or hurt or whatever......it will be turned around and made into your fault. If you are not ready, or are just sick of fighting, you will go along with that and apologize...when really you did nothing wrong.
Realtionship #1 Q: Why did you spend the rent money on beer?
A: If you hadn't of made me so mad I wouldn't have.
Relationship Q #2: Why after to years did you go back to drugs, and spend our life savings on it? What could possibly do that.
A: You.
Relationship #3 Q: Why am I not getting any attention anymore.
A: Because it is the way you think of me.
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Now I could take this really really personally and think that I have driven people to drinking, and drugs, but I just know I am not a bitch.
I just don't get it.
But I do get that the greatest cop out a manupulationg man can do is twist it around, get the guilt off his shouders and put it on you. Lord have mercy I am so over that in my life right now. So my last "tiff" I went outside, smoked a ciggerette, and decided to discuss the newest issue. While outside I gave myself a pep talk and said...just watch, somehow, someway, he will twist it, and it will be your fault. There was no way in this current situation that I will not talk about, that this idopathic thing he chose to do could be my fault....but he did it. Sure enough he did it. I sat across from him hiding a smile, because in my mind, I won. It felt alot better than taking the guilt. So I listened to his side, tried telling mine, only for everything to be my fault and went to bed knowing that in a few months after my income taxes, I will soon leave anyways, and this will never be thought of again, and I smiled to myself another time.
I will become the old woman with 12 cats...except the apartment complex I want to move into does not allow animals...but they allow my kids, go figure.
I am not an alcoholic, or a drug abuser, or a gambler, so maybe I just don't fit into their world. I am really thinking about maybe starting a crack habit soon:)
We never plan our lives to be so fucked up, and it really pisses me off, because I just wanted the whole family, home, american dream thing, but that is exactally what it is, a dream and it pisses me off all over again. Oh yeah, I'm cusing. Damn, Shit, son-of a bitch, stuid assholes, Damn. Not pretty is it. I need to go sit in the naughty chair.
Fucked up and Pissed off,
Heidi
I will tell you all my favorite thing that got me ready for the most recent tiff with "B"... notice I say tiff. We don't "fight". There are never raised voices, or hands, or anything of that nature.
Here is my ephiny which I think I misspelled:
This is the key that kept my sanity. All three of the guys in my life that I have had serious relationships with have done this. When it comes your turn to talk about what has happened, why you are upset, or hurt or whatever......it will be turned around and made into your fault. If you are not ready, or are just sick of fighting, you will go along with that and apologize...when really you did nothing wrong.
Realtionship #1 Q: Why did you spend the rent money on beer?
A: If you hadn't of made me so mad I wouldn't have.
Relationship Q #2: Why after to years did you go back to drugs, and spend our life savings on it? What could possibly do that.
A: You.
Relationship #3 Q: Why am I not getting any attention anymore.
A: Because it is the way you think of me.
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Now I could take this really really personally and think that I have driven people to drinking, and drugs, but I just know I am not a bitch.
I just don't get it.
But I do get that the greatest cop out a manupulationg man can do is twist it around, get the guilt off his shouders and put it on you. Lord have mercy I am so over that in my life right now. So my last "tiff" I went outside, smoked a ciggerette, and decided to discuss the newest issue. While outside I gave myself a pep talk and said...just watch, somehow, someway, he will twist it, and it will be your fault. There was no way in this current situation that I will not talk about, that this idopathic thing he chose to do could be my fault....but he did it. Sure enough he did it. I sat across from him hiding a smile, because in my mind, I won. It felt alot better than taking the guilt. So I listened to his side, tried telling mine, only for everything to be my fault and went to bed knowing that in a few months after my income taxes, I will soon leave anyways, and this will never be thought of again, and I smiled to myself another time.
I will become the old woman with 12 cats...except the apartment complex I want to move into does not allow animals...but they allow my kids, go figure.
I am not an alcoholic, or a drug abuser, or a gambler, so maybe I just don't fit into their world. I am really thinking about maybe starting a crack habit soon:)
We never plan our lives to be so fucked up, and it really pisses me off, because I just wanted the whole family, home, american dream thing, but that is exactally what it is, a dream and it pisses me off all over again. Oh yeah, I'm cusing. Damn, Shit, son-of a bitch, stuid assholes, Damn. Not pretty is it. I need to go sit in the naughty chair.
Fucked up and Pissed off,
Heidi
11/18/2005
Alien Thinking
What a long ass week. The kids were sick on Monday and Tuesday, Michael sprained his wrist on Wednesday, Nathan fell in gym class and sprained his back on Thursday. Yikes.!! Meanwhile as they have been home more and more with each other, I have developed new last names for them.
Michael Stop, Kayla Turnofftheradio, and Nathan Gotoyourroom.
On many trips to the pharmacy this week, I noticed something a bit strange. I had to wait in line, and noticed the normal array of things candy bars, lighters, cheesy small gifts for christmas like book lights, santa mugs and what not. Then I see it. A row of pregnancy tests. I'm thinking to myself, who in their right mind put that up in the checkout line??? Let's see, a pack of gum, a new lighter, and oh yeah, oops I almost forgot to get a pregnancy test, better get one of those while I'm at it. A man must have put that in the checkout lane. (Right next to the "Ultimate Zippo" that is about a foot long a foot wide, and I can imagine my kids thinking how cool, and setting the house on fire.)
I know each time it dawned on me..oh my god I missed my period, I felt this huge sense of panic, I could not breathe, my heart beart 250mph, and I tearfully ran into the nearest pharmacy, to go down "The row" The row of conceptiual items, condoms, summers eve, pregnancy tests, KY jelly and tampons. I grab the first test and run to the counter. Everyone in line sees the sense of panic, the woman look at me with knowing eyes, men look at me like I am a disease, but smiling to themselves thinking it "wasn't me" this time.
Latte'
Heidi
Michael Stop, Kayla Turnofftheradio, and Nathan Gotoyourroom.
On many trips to the pharmacy this week, I noticed something a bit strange. I had to wait in line, and noticed the normal array of things candy bars, lighters, cheesy small gifts for christmas like book lights, santa mugs and what not. Then I see it. A row of pregnancy tests. I'm thinking to myself, who in their right mind put that up in the checkout line??? Let's see, a pack of gum, a new lighter, and oh yeah, oops I almost forgot to get a pregnancy test, better get one of those while I'm at it. A man must have put that in the checkout lane. (Right next to the "Ultimate Zippo" that is about a foot long a foot wide, and I can imagine my kids thinking how cool, and setting the house on fire.)
I know each time it dawned on me..oh my god I missed my period, I felt this huge sense of panic, I could not breathe, my heart beart 250mph, and I tearfully ran into the nearest pharmacy, to go down "The row" The row of conceptiual items, condoms, summers eve, pregnancy tests, KY jelly and tampons. I grab the first test and run to the counter. Everyone in line sees the sense of panic, the woman look at me with knowing eyes, men look at me like I am a disease, but smiling to themselves thinking it "wasn't me" this time.
Latte'
Heidi
11/14/2005
The Alien Flu
I have not written a blog in quite ahile. I have been busy toting kids to little leauge, working, and trying to go to the gym, meanwhile there is housework to be done. This weekend with no help from the insignifigant other, the kids and I shampooed the carpets. We are trying to get the household ready after I had been laid up for almost six months, and having guests for the holidays. If you have ever rented a carpet shampooer, you know this is an all day pain in the ass job, because once the carpets are clean, you decise that everything else must be cleaned too. My kids were GREAT!! B had recived a 30.00 gift certifcate to tehe outback steakhouse, so we all went that evening after having a very hectic day starting with an 8 am baseball game. B was off playing pool or something that was not considered hard work. All the children had sore throats and were not feeling well, but pitched in nicely with everything.
Dinner was yummy, and very expensive as my 12 year old son had worked up an appetite and ate an entie rack of babyback ribs, salad and fries. After 2 glasses of wine I was so relaxed and full, and it felt great going to a clean home.
Sunday we went to brucnh for my mothers brthday and we all ate again untill we were stuffed. My daughter started looking really miserable as her tonsils were about the size of Texas. The boys came home...starting to feel icky also and went to bed, while I traveled onto a baby shower.
The insignifigant other wanted money to play poker with, so after the shower I gave him the money and left pissed....just because I can. He came home at 4 a.m. not that I really care I did not sleep the entire night, and I am not lying, I could not sleep I had just had it. Not one wink, not ten minutes, not one ounce of sleep
Finally I woke up at 6 am and decided I needed to go to work early to finish a paper I had been working really hard on for a week. I showered got ready and went to wake the boys. (Also I had about 5 cups of coffee)Nathan told me he didn't feel so well. 103 tempature. Then Michael says he doesnt feel so well...101. I had to call into work, on a Monday, and I know there were people there searing with hatred. I have missed alot of work days this year, I admit it, but what the hell can you do? Anyways they all have tonsilitis, so says the doc. I spent 4 hours today worried sick trying to get my sons fever down. He was so entirely ill, I ran a cool bath to get the temp down, and called his name to check on him outside the door, he did not answer. I opened the door, and he was snoring in the cold bathwater. I woke him up, and this is how I truly knew that he was sooo ill. he has hit puberty and god forbid if his mother walks in the bathroom on him. He just did not care. Yes I saw the wanker, and he did not care. I figured the boy must be admitted to the hospital immediatly!:)
So now it is 5 pm, and I have not had any sleep since Saturday night. I drank entirely too much coffee this morning to go back to bed, and I had nurse part of me going all day making soup, fluffing pillows and taking tempetures, and feeling the need to lysol everything. I actually feel quite slap happy and high and am very concerned to say the least because I do not feel tired. So now I am making a blog aand I wonder if it is really making sense or not? I had an entire 8 hours last night to contemplate my whole exsistence, I had about 3 pity parties during the evening, then about 3 talks to myself about what I could do to get my life back on track, then I started making up winning lottery numbers in my head, and was spending pretend money in my head, and sending my kids to college. right about then I would go into another pity party, because do you know how much college costs, and my kids don't have great grades, and scholorships would be like winning the lottery, and what if they don't get any, then they might end up at McDonalds as a fry cook, or struggling just as much as ther mom, which I don't want for them, it was just a real long night, and I don't want another one like it, so tell me...what works to make you sleep?
Heidi HOoooooooooooooooo
Dinner was yummy, and very expensive as my 12 year old son had worked up an appetite and ate an entie rack of babyback ribs, salad and fries. After 2 glasses of wine I was so relaxed and full, and it felt great going to a clean home.
Sunday we went to brucnh for my mothers brthday and we all ate again untill we were stuffed. My daughter started looking really miserable as her tonsils were about the size of Texas. The boys came home...starting to feel icky also and went to bed, while I traveled onto a baby shower.
The insignifigant other wanted money to play poker with, so after the shower I gave him the money and left pissed....just because I can. He came home at 4 a.m. not that I really care I did not sleep the entire night, and I am not lying, I could not sleep I had just had it. Not one wink, not ten minutes, not one ounce of sleep
Finally I woke up at 6 am and decided I needed to go to work early to finish a paper I had been working really hard on for a week. I showered got ready and went to wake the boys. (Also I had about 5 cups of coffee)Nathan told me he didn't feel so well. 103 tempature. Then Michael says he doesnt feel so well...101. I had to call into work, on a Monday, and I know there were people there searing with hatred. I have missed alot of work days this year, I admit it, but what the hell can you do? Anyways they all have tonsilitis, so says the doc. I spent 4 hours today worried sick trying to get my sons fever down. He was so entirely ill, I ran a cool bath to get the temp down, and called his name to check on him outside the door, he did not answer. I opened the door, and he was snoring in the cold bathwater. I woke him up, and this is how I truly knew that he was sooo ill. he has hit puberty and god forbid if his mother walks in the bathroom on him. He just did not care. Yes I saw the wanker, and he did not care. I figured the boy must be admitted to the hospital immediatly!:)
So now it is 5 pm, and I have not had any sleep since Saturday night. I drank entirely too much coffee this morning to go back to bed, and I had nurse part of me going all day making soup, fluffing pillows and taking tempetures, and feeling the need to lysol everything. I actually feel quite slap happy and high and am very concerned to say the least because I do not feel tired. So now I am making a blog aand I wonder if it is really making sense or not? I had an entire 8 hours last night to contemplate my whole exsistence, I had about 3 pity parties during the evening, then about 3 talks to myself about what I could do to get my life back on track, then I started making up winning lottery numbers in my head, and was spending pretend money in my head, and sending my kids to college. right about then I would go into another pity party, because do you know how much college costs, and my kids don't have great grades, and scholorships would be like winning the lottery, and what if they don't get any, then they might end up at McDonalds as a fry cook, or struggling just as much as ther mom, which I don't want for them, it was just a real long night, and I don't want another one like it, so tell me...what works to make you sleep?
Heidi HOoooooooooooooooo
11/09/2005
Announcing Almighty Heidi's New Side Kick.
I have a new sidekick. It will now be Almighty Heidi and her superhero side kick Happy and Blue. Firghters of all that is evil and protector of all justice, and group therapy leaders. (He was the only one who offered, besides that he has his same initials as I) My brother has now..been fired of his position due to non compliance with his superhero duties. Congrats Happy and Blue.
Now for the weeks gossip as I have been slacking on my blogger duties.
1. My back is feeling fairly back to normal and I have hit the gym...or the gym has hit me. I am working out on the tools of satan. ...the eliptical and treadmill. My legs hurt, my ass hurts, my arms hurt, my baby toe hurts. I am trying to make up for six months lost time not working out due to an injury. I miss the good ol couch days.
2. I VOLUNTEERED to take on more work last week at my job. The job that I had to threaten to quit if I did not get my raise. Now I know there is something wrong with my head. I think I am going to cry.
3. My car brakes are still making the farting sound, but I have been just too busy to take it back in.
4. The time change is pissing me off, and messing me up in the head.
5. Christmas list: I want my diswasher fixed, garbage disposal fixed and carpets shampoo'd. Unless there is such things as Santa, I think I will have to go online and figure out how to fix the first two.
6. Men are just annoying, and useless.
7. I wonder why it is that I have to repeat things three times to veryone to get anything done, especially the children. Turn the light off. Turn the light off. TURN THE LIGHT OFF. I think it may have been the time I dropped them on their heads.
8. I have been really talented at burning about 5 out of 6 meals as of late. I think the kids may be getting use to the taste of scortched.
9. Everytime I have gone to take a hot bath, my favorite moment of the dya, all the hot water is gone. Someone is in my house is going to die.
10. Last night I had this horrible dream that woke me up. I went to this place that was supposed to be a bar, then it turned out to be a church, but in this church there were like...deamons. I had this grim reaper kind of sicle and I went around killing all the deamons. As soon as I stuck them they *poof* went away is a plume of smoke. It bothered me.
Now for the weeks gossip as I have been slacking on my blogger duties.
1. My back is feeling fairly back to normal and I have hit the gym...or the gym has hit me. I am working out on the tools of satan. ...the eliptical and treadmill. My legs hurt, my ass hurts, my arms hurt, my baby toe hurts. I am trying to make up for six months lost time not working out due to an injury. I miss the good ol couch days.
2. I VOLUNTEERED to take on more work last week at my job. The job that I had to threaten to quit if I did not get my raise. Now I know there is something wrong with my head. I think I am going to cry.
3. My car brakes are still making the farting sound, but I have been just too busy to take it back in.
4. The time change is pissing me off, and messing me up in the head.
5. Christmas list: I want my diswasher fixed, garbage disposal fixed and carpets shampoo'd. Unless there is such things as Santa, I think I will have to go online and figure out how to fix the first two.
6. Men are just annoying, and useless.
7. I wonder why it is that I have to repeat things three times to veryone to get anything done, especially the children. Turn the light off. Turn the light off. TURN THE LIGHT OFF. I think it may have been the time I dropped them on their heads.
8. I have been really talented at burning about 5 out of 6 meals as of late. I think the kids may be getting use to the taste of scortched.
9. Everytime I have gone to take a hot bath, my favorite moment of the dya, all the hot water is gone. Someone is in my house is going to die.
10. Last night I had this horrible dream that woke me up. I went to this place that was supposed to be a bar, then it turned out to be a church, but in this church there were like...deamons. I had this grim reaper kind of sicle and I went around killing all the deamons. As soon as I stuck them they *poof* went away is a plume of smoke. It bothered me.
11/02/2005
Speechless
I have been trying to conjure up something really witty and fun to write, and...I think I have...writers block. Yes a female with nothing to say to many men is priceless. I have figured out now I have a total of 4 loyal readers, and I think I have posted them all. Thank you, oh loyal ones. So I leave it to you to post something about yourself...Let's make it something odd, for fun. For instance my left foot is bigger than my right. I sometimes...and I mean sometimes, when I laugh real hard...I have been known....to...snort. Right about that time, I just want to crawl under a table and die. I am a morning person and not an evening stay up late kinda gal, although I have been known to have bouts of insomnia that really piss me off every now and then.....So what's weird about you??
The Almightiest Heidi
P.s. To my sidekick brother "Captain Markle" : So you finally find yourself a girlfriend, and I don't exist?? Where is my weekly phone call?? You have three days then I denounce myself from the "sidekick"staus, and I will have to be...the Almighty Heidi, non-side kick participant, fighter of all that's bad and justice for all that is good. I'm calling the superhero union. It's like batman without robin...It's just not right:)
P.S.S: To all of my 4 loyal readers, there will be a job opening in 3 days for superhero's, as I will need my own sidekick. Please forward me your superhero applications. So there Captain Markle how do you like that, Mr. I'm too busy getting laid to be a superhero. ;)
Almightiest Heidi of ALL
The Almightiest Heidi
P.s. To my sidekick brother "Captain Markle" : So you finally find yourself a girlfriend, and I don't exist?? Where is my weekly phone call?? You have three days then I denounce myself from the "sidekick"staus, and I will have to be...the Almighty Heidi, non-side kick participant, fighter of all that's bad and justice for all that is good. I'm calling the superhero union. It's like batman without robin...It's just not right:)
P.S.S: To all of my 4 loyal readers, there will be a job opening in 3 days for superhero's, as I will need my own sidekick. Please forward me your superhero applications. So there Captain Markle how do you like that, Mr. I'm too busy getting laid to be a superhero. ;)
Almightiest Heidi of ALL
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