We all got through Christmas ok. I am going to take Happy and blue's advice http://happyandblue2.blogspot.com/ and just dognap the dog we have been dog sitting. I am thinking of telling the owner that his dog was abducted by aliens so I can keep him. It is a strange thing how an animal completes a family. My middle son who has always had a streak of anger has stepped up to the plate of responsibility, and has taken very good care of the dog since I was a big green loogie for the past week. It is amazing how the animal brought about a softer, nurturing side to my boy. I guess it is the ying yang of the thing.
I figure now is about the time where everyone writes there new years resolutions, so best I keep up with everyone else. So here it goes:
1. I think I will maybe, really try, to use spell check...not on every blog, I must take ...baby steps. I have problems with commitment.
2. I, the Almighty Heidi, will wash my car next week. I am not sure about the rest of the year, but again, being a comitaphobic, this is as good as it gets.
3. I will have no more children. This one I know for sure because I can't have anymore munchkins, so there is no actual commitment involved, and I am 100 percent certain that if the hand of god down came down from heaven and touched me and said...Heidi, I wilst givest thou another child, I might commit sucicide. Or, at least check into the nearest inpatient psychiatric facility. I don't think they had these options back in the biblical days, and if one woman did say "Screw this" and jumped of a holy mountain somewhere...they never wrote it down. I don't think they had chocolate therapy back then....so what were they to do? I think when Sarah laughed when she found out she was "with child' at 92 or whatever...and then she laughed...it was the laugh of a hysterical madwoman. I have heard that crazed lunatic laugh, I did that when Michael came along. But if Matthew, Mark, Luke or John would have written a woman screaming hysterically, the bible would be that more belivable, comprhendable, and followed by every woman on earth. Women...just need to relate.
4. I, will use my gym membership...sometime in 2006.
5. Oh here is a biggie for you all...I had to throw this one in the middle just to keep you awake......The Almightiest Heidi....am quitting smoking. If you happen to see any ranting, prozac moment type of blogs after January 1st. It is just withdrawls.
6. I will win the Florida Lottery, and write about how filthy rich I have become.
7. I will pay off my credit cards...so by then end of 2006, I can charge them up all over again at Christmas.
8. I might balance my checkbook.
9. This one is my favorite: I will not give up my every other weekend, my kids are gone, 3 drink minimum night out.
10.I will only have one hair color for an entire year. This is HUGE, as I am a hair coloring, hair cutting addict. I have already had all the hair chopped, so the madness has got to stop. Where will the insanity end???
That is all the commitment I can make for this year. Hope you all have a Happy and Healthy 2006.
Heidi
Heidi
12/27/2005
12/23/2005
I have no voice
Saturday night I was feeling kinda icky. Tuesday I went to the doc and told him I felt icky. He said thats nice and sent me home. Thursday and Friday i have no voice, freeky hallucinationg dreams from fever, my ear hurts, I scratched my cornea, which makes me feel like I constatnly have an eyelash in my eye...and I'm coughing up stuff that looks like it is from an alien planet. I'm sick, want to live in a hot bath tub, and when I am done...I want my mommy. I finally got antibiotics today, which I am pissed because if I would have gotten them Tuesday, I would have been fine today.
I have given up on the insignifigant other offering any sympathy when am ill, I found that out the first time I was sick that that was not included in our package deal. So I have my kids making hot tea for me, handing me the remote, and bringing me boxes of tissues. I have been voted this years "Rudolf the rednosed reindeer".
Speaking of noses....we have a guest at our house. A dog. We are housesitting a "pug". They have to be the ugliest dog god ever created. He forgot to make them a snout, and the tail is like a pigs. This dog won me over. It too has a cold, and has lost it's barking voice. it was pitiful. So we both lay on the couch together in agony. He loves attention, and will take anyone lap that is offered. (This makes since as he is of the male species). Last night I could not sleep. I had one of those coughing fits. *cough ocugh cooouugghhhh* *hacK* then I thinkI'm done right. Nope, the back of the throat and chest tickle untill you have to do it again. *cough cough COUGH HACK* Oh there we go..I think I spit up a lung this time. The dog lay sound asleep on my lap like nothing ever happened. Oh yeah I almost forgot, the dog snores...REALLY snores, which since I was not sleeping with B, helped me fall asleep. So I figured it out...a dog would be a step up in companionship....I think I will dognap this one.
The owners named the dog Carl. Who names thier dog Carl anyways? It's like "here Bob, here boy." or "Come here bill." "Linda, here linda....goodgirl. Linda likes it when I scratch her belly doesnt she..awww good girl" Maybe it is just me. My next door neighbors dog was named Heidi and every time they called my name, I did come running....
Well, it's there flu time gotta run...
Heidi
I have given up on the insignifigant other offering any sympathy when am ill, I found that out the first time I was sick that that was not included in our package deal. So I have my kids making hot tea for me, handing me the remote, and bringing me boxes of tissues. I have been voted this years "Rudolf the rednosed reindeer".
Speaking of noses....we have a guest at our house. A dog. We are housesitting a "pug". They have to be the ugliest dog god ever created. He forgot to make them a snout, and the tail is like a pigs. This dog won me over. It too has a cold, and has lost it's barking voice. it was pitiful. So we both lay on the couch together in agony. He loves attention, and will take anyone lap that is offered. (This makes since as he is of the male species). Last night I could not sleep. I had one of those coughing fits. *cough ocugh cooouugghhhh* *hacK* then I thinkI'm done right. Nope, the back of the throat and chest tickle untill you have to do it again. *cough cough COUGH HACK* Oh there we go..I think I spit up a lung this time. The dog lay sound asleep on my lap like nothing ever happened. Oh yeah I almost forgot, the dog snores...REALLY snores, which since I was not sleeping with B, helped me fall asleep. So I figured it out...a dog would be a step up in companionship....I think I will dognap this one.
The owners named the dog Carl. Who names thier dog Carl anyways? It's like "here Bob, here boy." or "Come here bill." "Linda, here linda....goodgirl. Linda likes it when I scratch her belly doesnt she..awww good girl" Maybe it is just me. My next door neighbors dog was named Heidi and every time they called my name, I did come running....
Well, it's there flu time gotta run...
Heidi
12/19/2005
Santa Is Not An Earthling
It has been awhile since my last blog. I have been caught away in the land of the big old man in the fuzzy red suit. This is something I think most men might find...odd. I, Heidi, the almighty, do not enjoy shopping. Yes people, it's true. I like to find whatever it is, get in get out...done. The mall is nothing but a big germ invested, claustrophobic environment that does not bring me much pleasure. I am missing a female gene somewhere.
All females like to shop from what I understand. When my co-workers or friends talk about what they just bought I have to answer "Really? Where from? Oh my god that is soooo nice" 75 percent of the time I don't care and want to puke. The other 25 I might like what they have, and wonder if I give them money, will they get me one to so I don't have to go shop. If I won the lottery, like I am about to do because it is up to 42 million, I will hire someone to shop for me.
"Why am I like this, what is wrong with me?" After about 10 minutes of contemplating and one minute of self reflection, I know. I have to of course blame it on my mother. Everything in you life will always be your parents fault. You can of course quote me on this. Go ahead, say it "It's all my parents fault" I learned this during my developmental teenage years watching Donahue, Oprah, and Sally Jesse Raphel. Pretty much back in the 80's, the talk show therapy was to blame it all on another person, be the victim, and take no responsibility for your own actions. Spandex was a socially accepted thing, but so was Michael Jackson, and we all know how that worked out.
Of course, what I am about to tell you below, I cannot take responsibility for, I had no control over and now am scarred for life. I have to blame my mother, or at least my father for making me go with my mother.
My mother would go around to the most boring of stores....fabric stores. I get nauseated even thinking about those places. Yards and yards of fabric, string of every color, patterns and dusty floors with fluorescent lights. They all had elevator music back in the day, and they all smelled the same. She couldn't just go in pick out what she wanted and leave. She is one of those creative minds where they have to look at every pattern, contemplate every color, and after hours....and hours of thinking about it, change their mind and start all over again. This was torture at 6 years old.
She would also visit thrift stores, as money was always tight growing up. Thrift stores for awhile may be cool to a six year old...but after two hours the smell of moth balls goes to your head, and you have hallucinations of running out of the store and running in front of any car..maybe just maybe then you will get your
mothers attention. I never of course did, but this is how I became a day dreamer. I blame this too on my mother. It was a way of escaping places you did not want to be. The fabric store, thrift store, health foods store, that weird ladys house down the street that smelled funny, Waldenbooks, and Aunt Bea's.
I still daydream a lot, especially at work since I don't really want to be there either.
There were times when escapisim could not work, not even my multiple personality disorder:0) There were times when I just had to play like I was...Invisible. My mother belives in making something beautiful out of the most horrendous things. One of her favorite hobbies for awhile was furniture remodeling. Where could you find old furniture? Other peoples trash of course. A few times it was on the way to school. My brother and I would just slope down as far as we could in the seats and just hide. We figured after that, walking to school was a lot less painful.
This is where I wanted to have the superpower of invisibility. I created my invisibility shield and would put it on when walking home past the neighbors dog who wanted me for lunch. I used it everytime I went to a new school, and I still try and use it at work. I tried to use it walking in the front door drunk at 16, I forgot to use the anti alcohol breath spray that all real super heros have, and she must have smelled me walking by, because by god I sure felt invisible that night walking thru the front door tripping... right in front of her.
Let's just say the next say...was not a very good day in history for the Almighty Heidi. Ohh noo it was not:)
That is it for today,
Heidi Ho Ho freggin Ho.
All females like to shop from what I understand. When my co-workers or friends talk about what they just bought I have to answer "Really? Where from? Oh my god that is soooo nice" 75 percent of the time I don't care and want to puke. The other 25 I might like what they have, and wonder if I give them money, will they get me one to so I don't have to go shop. If I won the lottery, like I am about to do because it is up to 42 million, I will hire someone to shop for me.
"Why am I like this, what is wrong with me?" After about 10 minutes of contemplating and one minute of self reflection, I know. I have to of course blame it on my mother. Everything in you life will always be your parents fault. You can of course quote me on this. Go ahead, say it "It's all my parents fault" I learned this during my developmental teenage years watching Donahue, Oprah, and Sally Jesse Raphel. Pretty much back in the 80's, the talk show therapy was to blame it all on another person, be the victim, and take no responsibility for your own actions. Spandex was a socially accepted thing, but so was Michael Jackson, and we all know how that worked out.
Of course, what I am about to tell you below, I cannot take responsibility for, I had no control over and now am scarred for life. I have to blame my mother, or at least my father for making me go with my mother.
My mother would go around to the most boring of stores....fabric stores. I get nauseated even thinking about those places. Yards and yards of fabric, string of every color, patterns and dusty floors with fluorescent lights. They all had elevator music back in the day, and they all smelled the same. She couldn't just go in pick out what she wanted and leave. She is one of those creative minds where they have to look at every pattern, contemplate every color, and after hours....and hours of thinking about it, change their mind and start all over again. This was torture at 6 years old.
She would also visit thrift stores, as money was always tight growing up. Thrift stores for awhile may be cool to a six year old...but after two hours the smell of moth balls goes to your head, and you have hallucinations of running out of the store and running in front of any car..maybe just maybe then you will get your
mothers attention. I never of course did, but this is how I became a day dreamer. I blame this too on my mother. It was a way of escaping places you did not want to be. The fabric store, thrift store, health foods store, that weird ladys house down the street that smelled funny, Waldenbooks, and Aunt Bea's.
I still daydream a lot, especially at work since I don't really want to be there either.
There were times when escapisim could not work, not even my multiple personality disorder:0) There were times when I just had to play like I was...Invisible. My mother belives in making something beautiful out of the most horrendous things. One of her favorite hobbies for awhile was furniture remodeling. Where could you find old furniture? Other peoples trash of course. A few times it was on the way to school. My brother and I would just slope down as far as we could in the seats and just hide. We figured after that, walking to school was a lot less painful.
This is where I wanted to have the superpower of invisibility. I created my invisibility shield and would put it on when walking home past the neighbors dog who wanted me for lunch. I used it everytime I went to a new school, and I still try and use it at work. I tried to use it walking in the front door drunk at 16, I forgot to use the anti alcohol breath spray that all real super heros have, and she must have smelled me walking by, because by god I sure felt invisible that night walking thru the front door tripping... right in front of her.
Let's just say the next say...was not a very good day in history for the Almighty Heidi. Ohh noo it was not:)
That is it for today,
Heidi Ho Ho freggin Ho.
12/07/2005
Alien Invaders
Today I get a phone call from B..he is at home and in the kitchen, on top of the fridge.......is a mouse..or a very small rat. EWWWWWWW. The exterminator was called, and I just want my mommy.
About 5 years ago I had a similar problem. Neither home is a dump mind you. It's just in Florida..we have critters, and lots of them. We had a "Citrus rat" get into the attic and make it's way into our kitchen. It was later sent to rat heven by the exterminator. I hear it's a common occurance, but one I REALLY don't like. Rabies and babies. That is all they are good for.
So mighty mouse is going to keep me awake all night. I made sure all the food is closed up in tupperware and ziplocs, there's nothing to eat..but my kids. Today I might just give them up as a sacrfice, if mr. mouse will just go.
The night before, I am on the front porch having a smoke when I hear a rustling in the bushes. I step back to run in the house thinking it was an axe murder, but then I think..maybe it's a kitty, so I look out and there is this face. It's dark, is it a dog..a cat..no it's a full grown racoon!!!!!. He froze I froze, and we just stared at each other for awhile untill I took a step back and he was outta there.
I started a new post "dream on" as I have been having so many dreams, I thought I would finaly wrte them down and keep track of all my underlying psychological issues. For weeks I will dream all night, and REM sleep is supposed to be sooo good for you, but it leaves me exsusted, I don't get it.
Good Night,
Heidi
About 5 years ago I had a similar problem. Neither home is a dump mind you. It's just in Florida..we have critters, and lots of them. We had a "Citrus rat" get into the attic and make it's way into our kitchen. It was later sent to rat heven by the exterminator. I hear it's a common occurance, but one I REALLY don't like. Rabies and babies. That is all they are good for.
So mighty mouse is going to keep me awake all night. I made sure all the food is closed up in tupperware and ziplocs, there's nothing to eat..but my kids. Today I might just give them up as a sacrfice, if mr. mouse will just go.
The night before, I am on the front porch having a smoke when I hear a rustling in the bushes. I step back to run in the house thinking it was an axe murder, but then I think..maybe it's a kitty, so I look out and there is this face. It's dark, is it a dog..a cat..no it's a full grown racoon!!!!!. He froze I froze, and we just stared at each other for awhile untill I took a step back and he was outta there.
I started a new post "dream on" as I have been having so many dreams, I thought I would finaly wrte them down and keep track of all my underlying psychological issues. For weeks I will dream all night, and REM sleep is supposed to be sooo good for you, but it leaves me exsusted, I don't get it.
Good Night,
Heidi
12/06/2005
Do Aliens Work Out?
"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away"
I found that quote the other day, and as corney as it is, I love it. I was reminded of it last night at the gym.
My gym has an upstairs to it that is glass so that you can see everyone upstairs in yoga, or spinning or whatnot. Lastnight was kick boxing. I was just getting off the treadmill, and my legs were a bit woobly, and even though I was on the floor, it felt like I was still on the treadmill. I look up and see a kickboxing class. It honestly looks like alot of fun. I see the back row. In the back row are all the people that have no coordination, thus they are in the backrow hiding. I saw this one man, and he would punch his right arm when it was supposed to be his left, kick his left leg when it was supposed to be his right, step forward when they were stepping backwards. It made me grin from ear to ear, because he could havce been my twin, thus I don't take kickboxing classes. Just about the time I let out a little snicker, I trip over an eliptical machine right in front of a fantastic looking male. He...snickered at me. It was carma I guess, but after my face turning bright red, and making me not breathe for an entire minute. I don't know if moments are made out of this, but my life is filled with them.
Thus my nickname given to me by my father...
Grace.
I found that quote the other day, and as corney as it is, I love it. I was reminded of it last night at the gym.
My gym has an upstairs to it that is glass so that you can see everyone upstairs in yoga, or spinning or whatnot. Lastnight was kick boxing. I was just getting off the treadmill, and my legs were a bit woobly, and even though I was on the floor, it felt like I was still on the treadmill. I look up and see a kickboxing class. It honestly looks like alot of fun. I see the back row. In the back row are all the people that have no coordination, thus they are in the backrow hiding. I saw this one man, and he would punch his right arm when it was supposed to be his left, kick his left leg when it was supposed to be his right, step forward when they were stepping backwards. It made me grin from ear to ear, because he could havce been my twin, thus I don't take kickboxing classes. Just about the time I let out a little snicker, I trip over an eliptical machine right in front of a fantastic looking male. He...snickered at me. It was carma I guess, but after my face turning bright red, and making me not breathe for an entire minute. I don't know if moments are made out of this, but my life is filled with them.
Thus my nickname given to me by my father...
Grace.
12/05/2005
I want to sell drugs
Another day, another dollar. I have a helper at work that just started last week. She has helped me with some of my duties, so that when the bookeepers assistant leaves, I can take his job, as well as the one I have now. Yes, I am sick like that. The perks is that the bookeeper is swell, and if it wern't for her I would not have a lot of loyalty to the company. She buys me starbucks non fat vanilla latte's every Monday and Wednesday. I am sure my company cell phone bill is past it's limit on a monthly basis, and she lets me borrow vacation time from next years schedule due to my kids being sick every other month this year, and me missing alot of work.
Ok background so you understand where I am going with this pathetic life story:
My dream was to become and ARNP but many things have come to not make that possible...a back injury, and that whold atetempted murder thing on my record, well...medical schools just don't like that for some reason... (kidding people..kidding)
But....
I know that I do not want to be stuck in a job only making 25,000 a year. It's just not an option with three children. Very limited finances+ 3 children = nervous breakdown. My friend Mary (Yes I have A friend) works at Keller University, and they offered me a job there, for less than what I am making now, however they would pay for me to get my MBA. Oh my god. What an incredably hard decsion to make. My brain hurts.I want to go back to school sooooo bad, and most of the courses are online, so I am able to still be super workaholic mom..let's see very limited finances+ 3 Children + full time weird job+ full time school= big time mega nervous breakdown. Actually I did this for a year of nursing school and it did take it's toll, however I had to be in class 5 days a week on top of work and kids. I lost 20 lbs though and my mother thought I was anoorexic or had cancer and was going to die. It was called lack of eating, and sleeping.
The scary thought's in Heidi's brain:
I do have loyalty twoards the bookeeper, and the flexability my job has let me have with my children. But...I can't do what I am doing forever, if I want to oh, let's say own a home, or get my kids started in life with some sort of college education. Damn I didn't stop by the store for french bread. Oh we'll well have spagetti and meatballs..no bread.... So for now I have a plan. At the end of December I am going to meet with my friend Mary who just got married...poor Mary I don't really like her new husband...he sure is an ass... and her friend the finacial aid counselor to see what I can get. Surly, single mom with three kids can get a whole shit load of finacial aid. Hey wow, I really need to paint my toenails, I need to get some lottery tickets, win, and then I could go on a cruise, get a nanny and a maid, dump what's his name....get a BMW.....have a drink with one of thos umbrella thingies and pineapple in it... So we'll see where that leads me...school paid for...verses free vanilla lattes...school paid for verses not getting written up for my kid being sick for the 100th time this year....*sheesh* I do like the latte's. Wow that guy on tv's hot...man if I do win the lottery, I'm gonna buy him, lay on the beach and do very nasty.... I have decided to stay at the job I have now.
I know it's frightning.
So what would I do with an MBA? It hit me the other night. I could sell drugs. Lot's and lot's of drugs and make money doing it. I know I would be good at it. Seen it a million times where I worked.
I'm talking about pharmcutical rep. people *sheesh* I have the knowledge of medicine, and the body, I am kind of a nerd that way, and with an MBA, I could apply for anyone of the major drug companies, because they do require a degree. gUeSS tHeYS DOnT LIke uS StoOpiD fOlK.
Latte'
The drug dealer wanna be.
Ok background so you understand where I am going with this pathetic life story:
My dream was to become and ARNP but many things have come to not make that possible...a back injury, and that whold atetempted murder thing on my record, well...medical schools just don't like that for some reason... (kidding people..kidding)
But....
I know that I do not want to be stuck in a job only making 25,000 a year. It's just not an option with three children. Very limited finances+ 3 children = nervous breakdown. My friend Mary (Yes I have A friend) works at Keller University, and they offered me a job there, for less than what I am making now, however they would pay for me to get my MBA. Oh my god. What an incredably hard decsion to make. My brain hurts.I want to go back to school sooooo bad, and most of the courses are online, so I am able to still be super workaholic mom..let's see very limited finances+ 3 Children + full time weird job+ full time school= big time mega nervous breakdown. Actually I did this for a year of nursing school and it did take it's toll, however I had to be in class 5 days a week on top of work and kids. I lost 20 lbs though and my mother thought I was anoorexic or had cancer and was going to die. It was called lack of eating, and sleeping.
The scary thought's in Heidi's brain:
I do have loyalty twoards the bookeeper, and the flexability my job has let me have with my children. But...I can't do what I am doing forever, if I want to oh, let's say own a home, or get my kids started in life with some sort of college education. Damn I didn't stop by the store for french bread. Oh we'll well have spagetti and meatballs..no bread.... So for now I have a plan. At the end of December I am going to meet with my friend Mary who just got married...poor Mary I don't really like her new husband...he sure is an ass... and her friend the finacial aid counselor to see what I can get. Surly, single mom with three kids can get a whole shit load of finacial aid. Hey wow, I really need to paint my toenails, I need to get some lottery tickets, win, and then I could go on a cruise, get a nanny and a maid, dump what's his name....get a BMW.....have a drink with one of thos umbrella thingies and pineapple in it... So we'll see where that leads me...school paid for...verses free vanilla lattes...school paid for verses not getting written up for my kid being sick for the 100th time this year....*sheesh* I do like the latte's. Wow that guy on tv's hot...man if I do win the lottery, I'm gonna buy him, lay on the beach and do very nasty.... I have decided to stay at the job I have now.
I know it's frightning.
So what would I do with an MBA? It hit me the other night. I could sell drugs. Lot's and lot's of drugs and make money doing it. I know I would be good at it. Seen it a million times where I worked.
I'm talking about pharmcutical rep. people *sheesh* I have the knowledge of medicine, and the body, I am kind of a nerd that way, and with an MBA, I could apply for anyone of the major drug companies, because they do require a degree. gUeSS tHeYS DOnT LIke uS StoOpiD fOlK.
Latte'
The drug dealer wanna be.
12/02/2005
Alien Lifestyles
I saw this pillow in a pillow in a magazine that made me laugh. It said "Three Wise Men" You must be joking.
I suppose it was perfect timing, because it had me in tears.
Ok, I am ready to talk. I figured the other day when I did not want to talk about "it" I wasn't ready. Imagine if I did....you already saw the cursing. I really don't know if I can go much worse than that. Ok..yeah it could. I could actually pile the kids up, change my name to..Bertha or something obnoxious, and just drive and start all over again.
For weeks I was excited over Thanksgiving. My big brother was coming in town with his new girlfriend, my very good friend was getting married, and B and I had been together for 3 years..or is it 4....well anyways we had always done something very nice on our "anniversary". I have to explain something first...
3..or 4 years ago, "B" and I were "married" so we thought. 5 months later while cleaning out "b"s car I see our marriage certificate....VOID BECAUSE IT WAS NEVER TURNED IN. So thus we are not "married" and that is a good thing. Funny because neither one of us tried to rectify that situation.
Ok, so it was our "anniversary" but not our anniversary. Last year we went to a favorite Italian resturant of mine that is way to expensive, but sooo worth it. I love Italian food. I need an Italian man....*sigh* anyways "B" likes italian too, but I don't think Italian men really do it for him, if ya know what I mean. My point is, we have always celebrated it.
Ok, I have to go back again, so just keep trying to follow along. 2 weeks before my brother comes over, I clean the carpets, dust and scrub everything, because 6 months of being laid up from my back has taken it's toll on my home. Brother and his family don't end up staying with me, after grocery shopping for 9 people, and cleaning like a mad woman. Mark if your reading this...yeah I was mand, but it's ok...really. Then Thanksgiving day..."B" stays in the bedroom all day because he does not like my family.
So of course I was offended, but made the best of it. That evening we go to play pool...and I am ignored all night. The excuse..he is sick and not feeling well. Which..was a lie, he was fine the next day as you will see. That evening we had the ironing board still set up at then end of the bed..I looked at the iron and iagined me "acidnetaly" hitting him over the head with it and laughing.
The following day I shop to find the sexiest dress known to man, great shoes, got the nails done you name it, for the wedding. Very busy day, I have a headache.
Wedding Day: I look soooooooo hot. If I can learn how to post a picture I will put it up on this sie soon."b" does not say a word about it all night, and I am ignored most of the night. This is fairly common as of late, so I should come to expet it, but I actually am feeling very broken.I remind him that the next day is our anniversary, we really should plan something. Then..I just got drunk.
Anniversary day: "B" gets up around 10:30 and leaves for the entire day and goes gambling, and does not come home till 8 at night. I tried calling him the entire day, but he won't pick up his cell phone. The day is gone. He comes home, lays on the couch and in a very not so heartfelt way...sorry he forgot. I was angry and hurt, and about a million other emotions balled up into one. My face looked like a punching bag from crying..the entire day.
We have not been doing that well over the past year. For my birthday I recived nothing, or last Christmas either, but it is expected to gift "b". I am like a little kid and get excited over the holidays, and it is sad because I just hope maybe I will get something...then I don't so it's really just setting myself up for failure.He has a really bad gambling problem, which I could overlook to a degree...if I felt any kind of love coming from any part of him...holding hands, a kiss, anything, but there is nothing. That is frightning that I would overlook any addiction.
My last stich efforts have gone in over the last year, and when it comes time to talk about these things....it is always turned around to be my fault. For some reason.it was my fault for him going out gambling all night, but I just can't accept that. The silly thing is.....if he would have come home...jumped into bed and said babe, I really screwed up..I am so sorry..I would have taken it in a heartbeat, and that is frightning to me. I have again become a pushover, not standing my ground, to avoid conflict. What a pussy.
So, after my broken heart on Sunday, anger management on Monday, chocolate therapy on Tuesday, and contemplation and inner insight on Wednesday it is clear that the time has come to move on. I am better than all of this, and think that I am realdy to be alone with my kids again. My children need a good example to live by so that they in turn can be good mothers and fathers, and this...just isn't it anymore. I think I would rather try by myself and do the best that I can possibly do, than to do what I am doing right now. Besides, I think there is a quota to how much a woman can be hurt, I have exceeded mine. I am just not meant to be married and live happily fucking after. (Almost had a moment there)
There I said it. I read this other saying:
Strong Women. May we know them, may we raise them, may we be them.
I made my own up. "Stupid men make strong (pissed off) women"
Bertha
I suppose it was perfect timing, because it had me in tears.
Ok, I am ready to talk. I figured the other day when I did not want to talk about "it" I wasn't ready. Imagine if I did....you already saw the cursing. I really don't know if I can go much worse than that. Ok..yeah it could. I could actually pile the kids up, change my name to..Bertha or something obnoxious, and just drive and start all over again.
For weeks I was excited over Thanksgiving. My big brother was coming in town with his new girlfriend, my very good friend was getting married, and B and I had been together for 3 years..or is it 4....well anyways we had always done something very nice on our "anniversary". I have to explain something first...
3..or 4 years ago, "B" and I were "married" so we thought. 5 months later while cleaning out "b"s car I see our marriage certificate....VOID BECAUSE IT WAS NEVER TURNED IN. So thus we are not "married" and that is a good thing. Funny because neither one of us tried to rectify that situation.
Ok, so it was our "anniversary" but not our anniversary. Last year we went to a favorite Italian resturant of mine that is way to expensive, but sooo worth it. I love Italian food. I need an Italian man....*sigh* anyways "B" likes italian too, but I don't think Italian men really do it for him, if ya know what I mean. My point is, we have always celebrated it.
Ok, I have to go back again, so just keep trying to follow along. 2 weeks before my brother comes over, I clean the carpets, dust and scrub everything, because 6 months of being laid up from my back has taken it's toll on my home. Brother and his family don't end up staying with me, after grocery shopping for 9 people, and cleaning like a mad woman. Mark if your reading this...yeah I was mand, but it's ok...really. Then Thanksgiving day..."B" stays in the bedroom all day because he does not like my family.
So of course I was offended, but made the best of it. That evening we go to play pool...and I am ignored all night. The excuse..he is sick and not feeling well. Which..was a lie, he was fine the next day as you will see. That evening we had the ironing board still set up at then end of the bed..I looked at the iron and iagined me "acidnetaly" hitting him over the head with it and laughing.
The following day I shop to find the sexiest dress known to man, great shoes, got the nails done you name it, for the wedding. Very busy day, I have a headache.
Wedding Day: I look soooooooo hot. If I can learn how to post a picture I will put it up on this sie soon."b" does not say a word about it all night, and I am ignored most of the night. This is fairly common as of late, so I should come to expet it, but I actually am feeling very broken.I remind him that the next day is our anniversary, we really should plan something. Then..I just got drunk.
Anniversary day: "B" gets up around 10:30 and leaves for the entire day and goes gambling, and does not come home till 8 at night. I tried calling him the entire day, but he won't pick up his cell phone. The day is gone. He comes home, lays on the couch and in a very not so heartfelt way...sorry he forgot. I was angry and hurt, and about a million other emotions balled up into one. My face looked like a punching bag from crying..the entire day.
We have not been doing that well over the past year. For my birthday I recived nothing, or last Christmas either, but it is expected to gift "b". I am like a little kid and get excited over the holidays, and it is sad because I just hope maybe I will get something...then I don't so it's really just setting myself up for failure.He has a really bad gambling problem, which I could overlook to a degree...if I felt any kind of love coming from any part of him...holding hands, a kiss, anything, but there is nothing. That is frightning that I would overlook any addiction.
My last stich efforts have gone in over the last year, and when it comes time to talk about these things....it is always turned around to be my fault. For some reason.it was my fault for him going out gambling all night, but I just can't accept that. The silly thing is.....if he would have come home...jumped into bed and said babe, I really screwed up..I am so sorry..I would have taken it in a heartbeat, and that is frightning to me. I have again become a pushover, not standing my ground, to avoid conflict. What a pussy.
So, after my broken heart on Sunday, anger management on Monday, chocolate therapy on Tuesday, and contemplation and inner insight on Wednesday it is clear that the time has come to move on. I am better than all of this, and think that I am realdy to be alone with my kids again. My children need a good example to live by so that they in turn can be good mothers and fathers, and this...just isn't it anymore. I think I would rather try by myself and do the best that I can possibly do, than to do what I am doing right now. Besides, I think there is a quota to how much a woman can be hurt, I have exceeded mine. I am just not meant to be married and live happily fucking after. (Almost had a moment there)
There I said it. I read this other saying:
Strong Women. May we know them, may we raise them, may we be them.
I made my own up. "Stupid men make strong (pissed off) women"
Bertha
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