Stop Holding My Breath

We all have things we can blame our parents for, how we were raised, blah blah blah, but ultimatly as adults there has to be a turning point of not treating yourself in the same way, or doing the same to others.

My mom is very codependent.

I learned how to be codependant from her.

And now I say enough.

Enough making excuses

I remember swimming in a lake when I was small. My brother and I would have contests to see who could hold their breath the longest..I wanted to win so bad. I stayed under till i thought my lungs would burst. Finally after a long day of swimming we came out ....and I had this green seaweed algae all over me, it was so slimy and disgusting.

That is what codependancy is..a green oozing slime that wants to feed off you and stick on you, some form of symbiosis that is not natural and does not belong, and it sickens me...it honestly SICKENS me.

In the past year I have learned how to let people go..close people go..family go even...and I feel normal for once? I knew I had to let go of those who were making me spiritualy and mentally sick. Before I would have felt guilty or bad for hurting felings. Well..I did, but only for a moment, now I feel...like I can stop holding my breath, and it feels damn good. Moving forward..I feel..strong, happy, and a sense ahhhhhhh...I am free.

So I say to you..wipe of the algae...stop holding your breath....

Almighty Heidi

Magic Whispers

How strange...how really odd...but how..wonderful.

Two blogs ago, I spoke of my grandmother, wishing she were with me, whispering all my secret thoughts and fears into the heavens, asking her what she would do...she would know what to do, and certainly she would have me packed and moved knowing her.

In the beggining of my blog I wished I had a thousand dollars more, and movers.

Yesterday, in a strange twist, that happened. I was owed some back child support, and it came in. And for the movers, well, that is a suprise yet to be told.

The Almighty Heidi's whispers underneath my blanket, warm salty tears down my face, prayers to my grandmother.....heard.

Wow.

And just so you all know, I am ok. I am. I had alot of weird emotions I was not expecting to work through, but when all was said and done, I feel...releif.

I move in two weeks, and am ready for new.

Ready for forward.

So today, I shout a hearty thank you to the heavens, and take my first steps into...

Almighty Heidi

A good cup of Joe.

Dedicated to "Kat" my grandmother..who I miss so much today.

Here's a great mellow song that I had to take a warm bath to after writing this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LWpw3CMCEg

I went looking for a new place this weekend...and there is still no match to what I have in my head and heart, and what I can afford. I wish I had a thousand dollars more, for deposits and movers, and life would be good, but I don't so I am keeping my eyes open. I still have not found job number two yet and today I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.

There is a comfort I think a woman has in having a home, making it hers for her family. For me it is a protective thing to, I don't like maintenance men coming in while I am not there..something about strangers is icky to me.

So until I can put some roots down in a new home, I feel uprooted and restless. I really think it is a woman secure thing.

I went to my room to lie down for a few minutes, my back was bothering me after cleaning, and I snuggled up under the covers for ahwile, trying to make the world stop for a moment and then I started talking to my grandmother.

Silly part....shes not living...but I feel like she hears me..and if not..well..

Kathleen, my grandmother was such a great life planner, financial planner, organizer, super woman type, I just felt like I could use her help.

So as im talking out loud I could see her tapping her fingernail on the table and pouring out advice...along with a steaming cup of coffee.

Grandma was a giving woman too..she would have been right there making sure I had everything I needed and more. She soo loved to give, and I how I wish I can be like her. It brought her so much joy.

That was who she was...boy I miss her right now.
I need the advice..and a good cup o joe.

It is amazing how holding a warm cup in your hand of tea or coffee, amongst good friends and family has healing calming powers..
unless of course you have 5 cups :)

More than anything...could sure just use a hug..and a look in the eye that says everything is gonna be ok...that is what she was best at.


Love Almighty Heidi

Goodbye Dream

Last night I had a very vivid dream....and I know it is a bit strange, but I don't think it was for me, so I'm gonna share with all of you.

I dreamed that a child had died, a little girl. I had her in my arms, she was gasping for air, but then passed on, there was nothing I could do, but knew it was meant to be so. I was trying to find her mom desperatly trying to find her mom. There was just a real sense of urgency, so it made me frantic.

I found her grandmother and handed her the child, and said to her "She did not get to say goodbye, she wants to say goodbye" and the grandmother rocked the child in her arms.

I still had to find the mother, and when I did, I tried to hand her her child.
She refused to take her..mostly out of pain I think.

So I told her "She wants you to tell you goodbye, she did not get to say goodbye" and the mother shakes her head in denial, and says "How do you know, you do not know that"

Then I saw her necklace, and it was a dragonfly.

"I can tell you why you wear that necklace"
and she stood there stunned because the necklace had meaning, something she never told anyone.

"When you were little, you used to watch the dragonflys, you like the color of the wings, and bodies, and you finally were able to catch one, and you accidently tore off it's wing. You felt terrible, and never caught another dragonfly again, but continued to watch them untill this day"

Her mouth hung open.

"Then your grandmother called for you, and she made you grape soda (or a slushie) ."

After that, the woman took her child and wept, and said goodbye to her baby.


And that my friends was my dream

Heidi.

The Storm And A Really Cool Dream

The past few weeks here have been rainy out, but there's nothing like going to bed, or waking up to the rain and the thunder...I find it absolutely beautiful. The sun is starting to peek out of the clouds a bit now, the birds are all outside finding food, and the frogs..the FROGS.. my god it sounds like thousands of them today chirping by the lake it is almost deafening.

As most of you know, my job has cut my hours to 32 a week, not enough to live on. I was offered a job where as a benefit, they would pay in full for me to go back to school.
I almost did not want to bring it up, as if to jenx it, but I need everyone to send some good vibes my way. I know personally I REALLY REALLY want it, and if it's in the cards, it will land my way, but throwing a few prayers out there never hurt, so we will see.

So here I am, in life...going through my own storms lately wondering if that is really a glimpse of sunshine I see? If it is Im going to hold onto it...Which reminds me of a dream I had about 5 nights ago...oh I have to share!!

I was sitting outside my window looking at these flowers, they looked like maybe dafodils, but the size of sunflowers. They were turned twoards me, but as the sun began to come up, they started to...sing. There were no real words, mostly them singing AHHHHHhhh in all diffrent voices..it was amazing.

Then one sunflower turned to me, and it did nov verbally speak to me, but it says..You need to look at the sun and sing.

So...I looked at the sun..and sang, and my heart lifted.

In a matter of a few minutes, the sun went away, and the flowers closed themselves up almost tucking the heat of the sun on the inside of there pedals, holding onto the warmth like a treasure untill the next time they could see the sun.

And my dream was over...but I woke up feeling very very good.

So..when the sun does shine, im gonna look at it and sing, then im going to tuck in the goodness, the warmth ... till the next time I can see light again.

Almighty Heidi

Humbled

Well I have been honored by being chosen as "Artist of the month" from a wonderful artist herself..Terri at bone sigh arts.
You can see the "Almighty"on her newsletter here at her website adresse: http://www.bonesigharts.com/

Terri's art..the writing...is so spiritual, so real, so...wow you will have to see it yourself.
It gives me strength on some days when there is none left. It really really does.

Check out her blog too...
http://bonesigharts.blogspot.com/

So today I was looking at a picture of me I have...I just look so darn happy. It's the eyes I suppose..here I will post it...



Anyways..some of that happiness is from letting me get it all out here..on these blog pages. For some reason I feel like I have found my voice, and I am allowed to use it..I can be vulnerable,and not be hurt,
I can expose the voices in my head...
and I can be ok with that
I can share the intimate secrets of my heart...
and I thank you for listening, while I figure out who I am :o)

Almighty Heidi