Just Me

ME... Just me...

So..I feel like I have had some sort of mental block break through..not sure about what but it feels damn good.

Last night I had a dream of my x..he came into my house, never said a word, but he was looking room to room, looking at MY things..touching my things in my home. I felt violated, he did not belong there anymore and to get out.

It was good.

I don't have much to blog about, I have been hitting the gym, for my own self esteem issues pretty hard, went 6 miles today..and wow..it's amazing how much I feel like I'm venting when get there..how much anger I'm puting out, working out, and thinking about on the eiliptical..maybe thats why I went for so long. By the way.my favorite download is "best of you" by the Foo Fighters. The song was not on my playlist but here are the words..I LOVE THIS SONG.

I've got another confession to make

I'm your fool

Everyone's got their chains to break

Holdin' you

Were you born to resist, or be abused?

Is someone getting the bestThe best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the bestThe best, the best, the best of you?

Or are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head

Without your noose

You gave me something that I didn't have

But had no use

I was too weak to give in

Too strong to lose

My heart is under arrest again

But I'll break loose

My head is giving me life or death

But I can't choose

I swear I'll never give in

I refuse

Is someone getting the bestThe best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?

It's real, the pain you feel

You trust, you must confess

Is someone getting the bestThe best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?It's real, the pain you feel The life, the loveYou'd die to heal The hope that starts The broken hearts You trust, you must confess

Is someone getting the bestThe best, the best, the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend

I'm no fool

I'm getting tired of starting again

Somewhere new

Were you born to resist, or be abused?

I swear I'll never give in, I refuse

Is someone getting the bestThe best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?It's real, the pain you feel You trust, you must confess

Is someone getting the bestThe best, the best, the best of you?

Maybe this will help me get to my goal by my birthday..cause you know the Almighty once she makes up her mind about something...

I thought I'd share two pictures wth you just cause they made me smile.

This is me sharing my morning coffee at work with you..it used to be a double shot non fat, sugar free grande vanilla latte...due to the economy..it is now...Mccafe..Ha!

This is me right before I went to the gym after work..OOOhh I dreded it, Im saying BOOOOO in the picture but feel awesome now. Not a pretty picture but..Still laughing I look so enthused. NOT!
Thats it for today...

Oh I think I got it as I'm writing this..my past..my present..it does not define who I am..I make those choices. Yeah..ok I refuse :o) GOT IT!

YES!!

Almighty Heidi

The Gift

Last night I felt it.


This morning I felt it.


Ever feel like something extrodinary was going to happen?


I felt something in my soul just…click.

Like a piece that was missing that was put back into place, or actually more like something new..a gift, that I could not open, but I so oo want to like a kid on Christmas day.


Dang, what was in my cheerios this morning?

But..Who am I to turn away a gift to the soul?


With wide open arms..I'LL TAKE IT..


I’m going to hold onto it..shake it, hold it to the light and try to figure out what it is till I am allowed to open it.


Almighty Heidi

All The Beautiful People

It's not the length of life, but the depth of life. Ralph Waldo Emerson

When things are ugly, I have found that I have many beautiful people in my life.

We can uplift or crush the spirits of every person who comes into our lives...

luckily in the past year..

I have found the uplifters

or they have found me

I have issues with self,

me,

I cant see my own self sometimes,

but I think I see it in the reflections of others who have come into my life.

How is it that we can love others so deeply, or give to another person, but can do the same for our own selves..

Dear self,

I will learn to love you without boundaries or limitation.

Damn thats a hard one.

But the people in my life now..

Wow

I have found..

Love with no strings attached

I am surrounded
by depth

I see your reflection

I am surrounded
by you

and I can see me.

Almighty Heidi

Monday

The weather has been nice, I took a few walks this weekend around the park, took a few pictures I will post later. Not much to write today, so I thought I'd post you one of Almighty's favorite songs...good words..good music..good feeling.

Soooo Have a good one. Ignore the commercial in the beginning)




Almighty Heidi

Be Kind..

I'm just telling like it is tonight..

My previous relationships have been pretty abusive, one physical one very verbal. The last relationship I was in hurt. I pushed alot under the carpet do to speak to...survive I suppose. We were together almost 7 years. When I met him I was tiny tiny, I was a runner..to thin you could see my bones. Then I was in an auto accident and the back pain began. In those years I have had almost 20 steroid injections in my back along with shots and oral steroids, then 3 surgeries, the final last year.

Steroids are not a girls friend..they make you gain weight..and with the back issues I became immobile..and was in chronic pain for 2 years..I would never wish this kind of pain on anyone.

The day after my first surgery I was expected to make dinner and clean the house

The second we had to move, and it was my job to pack, and help move...well thats just a tiny bit of it..but thats not quite the point...but htat lead me to the third surgery.

And yes..I am no longer a size f'ing 4.

The last few years he no longer kissed me..no longer touched me...sex..nada.

I asked why

The answer was because I gained weight.

This is when I planned my escape..but it hurt me to the core...more than I knew.

This started me not able to look at my own body anymore..stopped looking in the mirror.

So now..I started the process of healing..thought I was doink ok.

Today a co-worker walked in and said "How ya doin fat girl"

I am in a downward spiral.

down

down down

I know he has no IDEA of what this has done

He sort-of apologized..I said oh it's ok..i dont care...

But..

The self esteem I've been trying to build..

DAMN.

Then I started thinking, I have my own sarcastic since of humor..

makes me think..to rethink my humor sometimes..

But just saying..

Just remember to be kind.

Sooner or later I will bounce back,

but for now..Im just hurting.

trying not to sweep my feelings under the carpet

it does not work for me anymore...

Not so

Almighty Heidi

Greater Than

Do you ever feel like there is something bigger than yourself

pushing..leading..whispiring

go this way

do this... not this

for me it is a protective feeling

like family, big brother watching

someone that has been here before,

done it all...understands..a mentor of sorts.

Or maybe it's me

listening to

my own voice..

me

finally.

Heidi

Blue Sunday

The weather here has no let up. We had a bit of tease with cool weather, but then bam high of 97. I wish it would cool down soon, I have been staying indoors because of the mugginess, and it's bringing my spirit down.

This week I have to go do a placement test. Im meeting with my admissions advisior the following week, so I have to take the test this week...ew.

Between this and my last transcripts, it will show what classses I NEED to take. So..I did an online practice test..I aced the english..*YAY*

Then came the math...I "christmas tree'd" it. For two hours I have been sitting here trying to take some tutorial courses in Algebra..so I dont fail miserably..but....I need a real person to teach me.

Im frustrated, and tired already, and my self confidence just went in the toilet.

The sad thing is I do alot of bookeeping for the company I work for...actually..they should be very frightened.

Worst case scenerio..I have to take some math courses..I know I will, no biggie.

I think I would rather eat raw bull balls...like on fear factor than take math courses.

*sigh*

I feel the need for double fudge brownie icecream...there are no balls laying around.

Heidi

ENOUGH

I came across an article a few days ago..then now had something on it..now a blog from my favorite Blogger Terri St. Cloud...my hearts been going in a direction, a direction where Im pretty this is where my hearts calling me to work.


This SOMETHING that has REALLY been pulling at my heart lately is violence against women. It affects all women worldwide, in all socioeconomical backgrounds. In some cultures, sexual violence is a practiced ritual of many which includes, but is not limited to domestic abuse, rape, child marriages, forced female circumcision, and sex trade.


This violates the law..of well..human.


Violence Against Women: A Fact Sheet
In the US, a woman is raped every 6 minutes; a woman is battered every 15 seconds. In North Africa, 6,000 women are genitally mutilated each day. This year, more than 15,000 women will be sold into sexual slavery in China. 200 women in Bangladesh will be horribly disfigured when their spurned husbands or suitors burn them with acid. More than 7,000 women in India will be murdered by their families and in-laws in disputes over dowries. Violence against women is rooted in a global culture of discrimination which denies women equal rights with men and which legitimizes the appropriation of women's bodies for individual gratification or political ends. Every year, violence in the home and the community devastates the lives of millions of women. (Broken Bodies, Shattered Minds: Torture and Ill Treatment of Women, Amnesty International, 2001)


Now..with this in mind, please go to the link below, and read a post from terri, which has her friend Patty who is in South Africa and works with these women every day…and it will pull at your heart, empower you, and as a woman…rise up, and say enough.

http://bonesigharts.blogspot.com/


Almighty Heidi

My Glass

So now it is real. I jumped in, and now I have to follow through. I was accepted into the college I wanted got the acceptance letter a few days ago… and grant coming my way.

I have applied for a few scholarships and the silliest thing is..I have to write a 500 word essay on why I want and need this scholarship, and go into the field of nursing…and I go blank. Me..the writer…blank…I got zip.

Parts of me are in complete denial. I don’t want to feel the burn of 16 hour days again. I did it before, full time work and school and the exhaustion was intense. I had a friend ask me..can you do it. My reply..I HAVE to try.

Why do I have to try Heidi..what is it that motivates you to keep going, feeling like your glass is always half full, and you are always thirsty.

What is that I want more feeling..i need more feeling..i cant settle feeling…

Blank.

Heidi