Chameleon

Just rambling thoughts from my head....



Words fused together
Her voiced danced in my head
Undeniable courage
Faith in things to come
Unrecognizable power
Her words are like honey


I can feel her smile
leaving a mark on my soul


I think you are beautiful


You are strong
Fearless
The chameleon
Ever changing
Changing in hopes of…


These thoughts will not leave me alone


Making me uncomfortable in my own skin
The other voices trying to drown her out
The voices who chime in
Telling me not to listen

But yet,


Her words danced in my head
Undeniable courage
Faith
Feeling the
power not yet tapped into

Open your eyes
See the future
Of things unknown

Listen
To the words dripping of honey

Feel the unrecognizable power
And know that I am you
I am woman


uncomfortable in my own skin

I choose not to beleive

the words fuse together



the words fuse together

choosing what is easier

I no longer hear



but there is a mark left on my soul

and I close my eyes and sleep

and dream of the chameleon





Almighty Heidi

To Touch Human

To touch human

is to dance when there is no song.

To sing

when nobody else can hear the music within.

To touch human

is to hold my hand

and break away the walls

to hold me close

choosing to hold on tight.

For to you to let go

would be like breathing my last breath

To touch human

is to fear

but go forth courageously

knowing that I might fail

but still clinging onto hope

looking ahead

regardless of the odds

stacked too high up

To touch human

is to help another

to inspire

to encourage

to love

even when inside

it feels like there is nothing left to give

Touching human

the inner light flickers

about to go out

exploding into new flame

of seeing through the sufferers eyes

allowing yourself not to hold back

risking your own heart to save anothers

tasting love

beliving in magic

seeing beyond our own understanding

can you feel it in your soul?

the flickering light?

Dance with me

sing with me

hold my hand

believe in me

climb the walls

touch the light

and you will hear the music

created in my own language

which you can understand

My soul

My humaness.

Love The Almighty Heidi

Reaching The Surface

I still have dreams, things I want to do and accomplish, and I feel that where I am in my job, it is suffocating me.

"What does my heart want?" Has been the question of the past month.

Taking off my shoes, dipping my feet in..just to test the waters..

My heart says to go back finish nursing school..(10 years later),

The soul says I want to write.

So..I have chosen..both!


I stepped back..and did a cannonball jump.

The admissions papers came in yesterday. My decision felt so real.

Then I was scared.

Treading water..looking for the lifeboat.

In my head the voices played.. “You are going to be tired, there will be no time, what if you fail, oh my god math..chemistry..really..come one Heidi, it’s been 20 years!”

Then in my heart, I start to sink, I became disoriented and begin to drown in self doubt.

The strange thing was..it took my 14 year old to snap me out of it.


We were going over his homework. I get irritated with him often about school.

“Michael, you are so smart, if you just COMPLETE your homework and TURN IT IN, your grades will go up.”

“No ma, I’m not smart, Nathans smart, he is mr C++ writing his own software guy”

“Michael not everyone does what Nate does, we each have different talents, things that we want to do in life, Nate’s just found his, that’s all..and your test grades are AWESOME you ARE smart, you’ll find what you love too, and excel in that…so quit selling yourself the short end of the stick Bud!”

As soon as I said it..It hit me.


The direction came, no longer disoriented, I found..up...i did not need the lifeboat, I remembered how to swim..somwhere along the way I had forgotten.

I KNOW what I want. "Quit selling myself the short end of the stick”

So today, I will finish my homework. I will fill out the forms, and do what I need to do.

I have reached the surface of the water
Breathing in deeply. ....

Almighty Heidi

My Lifeflow

On Thursday I wrote a little quote on twitter I wanted to share...

I am..missing my kids tonight,as they went out of state to visit grandma..my heart feels empty then I realize the pulse of my home is gone!

It is hard to realize it when they are here, driving me nuts somedays, but they really are my heart. I know they are just around the corner from figuring life on there own.

Certainly I am looking forward to that other part of my life one day,

but the "energy" leaving my house...

that's going to be something and strange,

an alien sensation I have never known.

I was a mother two months after turning 18.

In my adult life..I have never... not had children.

In the meantime, I have had alot of peaceful solitude. There have been many walks aound a beautiful lake here, lined with cypress trees and palms, watching the ducks go in and out of the water, and the turtles bobbing their heads, hoping that you might have bread. The wind is always blowing gently off the water...ahhhhh...Im so drawn to this place..my soul craves it.

Tonight Im going to curl up with a glass of wine, and curl up with a good book.

Ahhhhhhhh, so this is what it's like?? Hmmmm I could get used to this..hehe.

Almighty Heidi

Creativity

Where have you been
hiding in the corners of my mind

Creativity aches to rear its head
as it tenticles wrap around my office cubicle
sufficating me untill I give in

to the temper tantrum of my inner soul


"LET ME OUT"
the voice screams in my head.


I want to write
attmepting to paint a picture
of many colors
using keystokes as my brush



then the blank page and curser both stare at me
and begin to laugh


OOOhhhhh


Creative then speaks

I am a creature of my own kind

One who lurks
and impatiently comes out
at its own will


Stubborn and brilliant
dark and light.


Listen when I speak, it says


it likes to talk at 2 am...*humph*



Thats all I have today..just the voice in my head :o)



Almighty Heidi

Enough

Im ready to get outta my funk.


I was really sick this past couple weeks. Got a real bad infection in my hand which turned out to be MRSA, and Im really..really…really run down. I want to sleep..alot, and I have fevers every day.


Making it through. ..


Through my daughters surgery, the move, my burn, MRSA, my dads break-in, finances, pay cuts, my own emotional trauma with some very very close people.


But tonight…I’m going to celebrate…I will drink lot’s of coffee to be awake, and eat great food with good friends…and eat chocolate cause I can, and just not worry about my waist for one damn day…and im gonna buy something new to wear..cause I want to.



My soul has been pressed beyond limits, but look at me..im here,
I’ve been broken again and again yes, but here I am standing.

I win..do you hear me universe..???

I WIN. I CHOOSE TO CELEBRATE IT ALL REGARDLESS.


..and if it keeps raining at my house and in my life

Screw it,

Im throwing down the umbrella


BRING IT ON.


*Stomping my foot*



SO THERE.


Almighty Heidi

Tangled

Intertwined in every way

Things from the past

Forgiveness for the present

Something that pushes us
To our own uncomfortable vulnerability

Our own humanness

Reaching upwards
Inwards

I am tangled up
Being pushed beyond limits

Higher than my own expectation
By some unknown force

To deal with the past

And give forgiveness in the present

Touching my own vulnerability
Into my own uncomfortable humanness

I sit with myself
And reach my hands upwards
and outwards

Then I become

untangled.



Heidi