Goodbye Dream

Last night I had a very vivid dream....and I know it is a bit strange, but I don't think it was for me, so I'm gonna share with all of you.

I dreamed that a child had died, a little girl. I had her in my arms, she was gasping for air, but then passed on, there was nothing I could do, but knew it was meant to be so. I was trying to find her mom desperatly trying to find her mom. There was just a real sense of urgency, so it made me frantic.

I found her grandmother and handed her the child, and said to her "She did not get to say goodbye, she wants to say goodbye" and the grandmother rocked the child in her arms.

I still had to find the mother, and when I did, I tried to hand her her child.
She refused to take her..mostly out of pain I think.

So I told her "She wants you to tell you goodbye, she did not get to say goodbye" and the mother shakes her head in denial, and says "How do you know, you do not know that"

Then I saw her necklace, and it was a dragonfly.

"I can tell you why you wear that necklace"
and she stood there stunned because the necklace had meaning, something she never told anyone.

"When you were little, you used to watch the dragonflys, you like the color of the wings, and bodies, and you finally were able to catch one, and you accidently tore off it's wing. You felt terrible, and never caught another dragonfly again, but continued to watch them untill this day"

Her mouth hung open.

"Then your grandmother called for you, and she made you grape soda (or a slushie) ."

After that, the woman took her child and wept, and said goodbye to her baby.


And that my friends was my dream

Heidi.

The Storm And A Really Cool Dream

The past few weeks here have been rainy out, but there's nothing like going to bed, or waking up to the rain and the thunder...I find it absolutely beautiful. The sun is starting to peek out of the clouds a bit now, the birds are all outside finding food, and the frogs..the FROGS.. my god it sounds like thousands of them today chirping by the lake it is almost deafening.

As most of you know, my job has cut my hours to 32 a week, not enough to live on. I was offered a job where as a benefit, they would pay in full for me to go back to school.
I almost did not want to bring it up, as if to jenx it, but I need everyone to send some good vibes my way. I know personally I REALLY REALLY want it, and if it's in the cards, it will land my way, but throwing a few prayers out there never hurt, so we will see.

So here I am, in life...going through my own storms lately wondering if that is really a glimpse of sunshine I see? If it is Im going to hold onto it...Which reminds me of a dream I had about 5 nights ago...oh I have to share!!

I was sitting outside my window looking at these flowers, they looked like maybe dafodils, but the size of sunflowers. They were turned twoards me, but as the sun began to come up, they started to...sing. There were no real words, mostly them singing AHHHHHhhh in all diffrent voices..it was amazing.

Then one sunflower turned to me, and it did nov verbally speak to me, but it says..You need to look at the sun and sing.

So...I looked at the sun..and sang, and my heart lifted.

In a matter of a few minutes, the sun went away, and the flowers closed themselves up almost tucking the heat of the sun on the inside of there pedals, holding onto the warmth like a treasure untill the next time they could see the sun.

And my dream was over...but I woke up feeling very very good.

So..when the sun does shine, im gonna look at it and sing, then im going to tuck in the goodness, the warmth ... till the next time I can see light again.

Almighty Heidi

Humbled

Well I have been honored by being chosen as "Artist of the month" from a wonderful artist herself..Terri at bone sigh arts.
You can see the "Almighty"on her newsletter here at her website adresse: http://www.bonesigharts.com/

Terri's art..the writing...is so spiritual, so real, so...wow you will have to see it yourself.
It gives me strength on some days when there is none left. It really really does.

Check out her blog too...
http://bonesigharts.blogspot.com/

So today I was looking at a picture of me I have...I just look so darn happy. It's the eyes I suppose..here I will post it...



Anyways..some of that happiness is from letting me get it all out here..on these blog pages. For some reason I feel like I have found my voice, and I am allowed to use it..I can be vulnerable,and not be hurt,
I can expose the voices in my head...
and I can be ok with that
I can share the intimate secrets of my heart...
and I thank you for listening, while I figure out who I am :o)

Almighty Heidi

A bit of me..

Red Wine....



Hot Baths...



Fuzzy new socks...



Music is food to my soul




I love..to give love...



I believe in something greater than myself..



Some days I miss being little



But I still believe in making wishes...




and today I wish to remember the simple things...


Almighty Heidi

Creating Magic

I the next several weeks, I am going through a series of big life changes...too many in a row. My blogs have been alot deeper than they used to be. My heart is so heavy, and this stuff...well it overflows and pours out onto these pages. So here is todays overflow of me.




She must believe in something bigger than herself.
Something, someone who hears the silent prayers of her heart.

When she is done being mad at what can't be undone,
she unclenches her hands
and in complete defeat
and submission to the unknown

She raises her hands back up
open
ready to recive
whatever might be given to her
the one who listens to the silent prayers


"You can have whatever you want.
It is up to you.
I have always been here,
I miss you"


and I realize it is my own voice.



Almighty Heidi

Drowning in my head

Today I want to hide under my covers
push the world away for a little longer


Thoughts..

they swim in my mind
relentlessly whispering


How are you going to do it
You cant do this
What if something happens
What will you do then
You cant do this
you cant handle this
You will fail

and then I start feeling like a failure
and I sob quietly
so no one will hear my pain

Then somewhere my own voice begins
quietly doing battle in my mind...

I cant do this anymore.
I might fail
I might land flat on my face

Im not sure how
all of this is a mess
I might land on my face
but it is ok
I am ok

I take a deep breath..
and Let go
and I'm empowered
if not for a moment
by this release

and the voices they quiet...they linger
always waiting to come back,
but not today
and I pull the covers off my head....


Almighty Heidi

The Sign

I thought I would continue with a few stories of me. They do not deeply affect me as they used to, I had to let go and move on, but perhaps, it might just help someone else.

About the time I became pregnant, my brother joined up in the airforce, and soon thereafter my parents separated. As a 17 year old, I was so young, lost without my brother, and felt great guilt over my parents sepertation..of course this had to be my fault..me being pregnant and all.

So..my options were very limited in life, and at 17..I was married..Kenny was 19.

We lived on very limited money of course, I waitressed; he picked up odd jobs here and there. I would save my money for rent, and hide it in my sock drawer, but he would always find it for beer and party money. When I became “mom” this part of my life ended. I wanted to protect my child…and we butted heads about this often.

With Kenny being so young, his friends thought it great him having his own place to crash..party..break beer bottles on our walls…it infuriated me, especially with a crying child at 2 am with metallica blasting in the next room.

Fights started to now get physical…and I found out I was pregnant..again..

Go figure..you miss two little ol birth control pills…

We were being evicted out of our home so we had to move. Kenny found a small trailer to move into, and I gave him all my tip money. I had enough money left over to fill up the natural gas tank for the heat and stove.

I had worked a 10 hour shift and picked up my daughter at my sister in laws. I was tired, and we still had to unpack.

I came home and the gas was not turned on..the money was gone..along with my secret stash of diaper money. It was already 10 at night and I was exhausted, and burst into tears..and landed on my knees rocking my child in my arms..no heat…

no heat...

no heat..I bawled...and felt completly defeated..

it was February and 28 degrees out….no gas for the stove, no microwave… I kept Kayla in her jacket..she was hungry, I was hungry…well..through creative thought process I made grilled cheese on the coffee maker hot top, and soup using hot water through the coffee maker…

Kayla was a year and a half..I bundled her up as best I could, laid next to her, and realized in this piece of crap trailer I could see my own breath…that’s when I got in my car to find Kenny…this was enough!

I found him drunk at his brothers house..I asked him where the money went, and he was infuriated that I asked this in front of his family, he took me aside, we started to argue,

and before I knew it

he kicked me in the stomach

and threw me down

knowing that I was pregnant…

The money I had made that evening was taken to buy beer with...his brother turned the other cheek as though nothing had happened..

I was shaken...I did not know what to do...so I took Kayla and I held her as she slept with me in the car with the heater on.

The next morning, I had three dollars in change..kayla was hungry…I was hungry..We went to burger king and I had enough to get her French toast sticks and milk.

I was shaking and did not know what to do..I was scared and exhausted.."Oh God what do I do?"and I looked up.

There was the Bugrger King Slogan...

“Your way right away"

I thought yes…it is my way..right now.

At 19 years old I packed up Kayla..my gas tank was almost on E.

I prayed that I would make it to my folks house in Orlando…2 hours away

I had no idea what I was going to do

or how I was going to make it on my own..

I was now jobless..

now homeless...

with another child on it's way...

..but I knew I had to go…

and I did.

Almighty Heidi