My Sun, My Son

I miss you
who was swallowed
by the darkness

The water is illuminated by the moonlight
brilliant and beautiful

you who
are evaporated by the sun
feeling there is nothing left

please let me hold your hand


hear my voice

oh son
I would give my own life
so that you could feel light on your face

hope


Listen to the voice
that brings you back with the tide
because you are
brilliant and beautiful

~Almighty Heidi

All the kings horses...

Through all this I think I have learned to enjoy the days where there is peace.. routine. It ended last week.

My son had returned to the "dark side". The coping side of his brother and sister and I make darth Vader sounds after he leaves the room, when he is just plain mean towards any one of us. Without the meds, he is very verbally abusive, and mean.
The last time he physically went after his brother and sister, which cannot happen again.

I spoke to him. He does not want to hear.

I want to scream.

I want to shake him by the shoulders and say STOP
stop, just stop
look what you are doing
look what you are becoming

Please let me help you


But he cannot see, he cannot hear. He is stuck in his own mind.

He shuts me out,
gets angry
does not want to talk about his medicine or illness at all.


I want to hold him on the ground
and shove the pills down his throat.



He has the look of darkness on him, of depression..of ocd and anxiety.


It is a real look of darkness.
He does not smile, circles are under his eyes, the light he had a few weeks ago is gone. He has confined himself to his room...I know this is his safe place
where he knows he will not fight with us all
There is not alot of conversation with him..because everything irritates him.


He quit taking his meds because “He knows what is right for him”
Im glad he at least told me the truth.


I cannot make him take his medicine..he is bigger..stronger…bullheaded.
I thought of hiding them in his food
But then he would think that he really is fine....
Which is a lie.

Instead
We all have confronted him
And let him know that he is not happy
He is slipping away
And we miss him,
and hope he remembers that the meds do make him better

If he chooses to continue to not take them
And slip away
I will have to admit him to the hospital
which will break my heart into a million pieces
I already hurt thinking about it


Where he will be forced to to take the meds
which will only happen if I cant reach him
or he becomes violent
or im afraid for his life
or stars hearing the voices
that dont exsist

So I hope he remembers the happy
The ability to make decisions
The focus on goals
I miss the light in his eyes
I miss my son.

I tell god
I am not equipped for this
I cant do this
I cannot fix this

and I know
it is not for me to fix

Im so tired.

~Almighty Heidi

What If...

“Courage is the discovery that you may not win,
and trying when you know you can lose.”



What if..
today were day one...
you could start the change
you need in yourself..
or you could help someone else's day
or dream
with a random act of kindness

What if today
were the day you looked at yourself in the mirror
and decided to make peace with the person looking back?

What if today were not just some other days of going to work, or paying bills..

What if today you changed your perspective and
see the glass half full for once
even if there is nothing left in it.

What if today you tried to wear out the words " I love you"

What if you could taste, for a second how delicious life is today

What if
today, were tomorrow and you started all over again
the change you need to see in yourself
the kindness
the I love you....



~Almighty Heidi

Woman

I think somewhere along the way I was lost...really lost.

As women we do not feel pretty enough, or even whole enough to do the daily tasks of being mother, friend, daughter, coworker...

we just don't feel enough.


I have been working the past few years to figure out why, and I guess along the way that "feeling less than feeling" is starting to fade..but I know it will always try and find it's way out, clawing at my soul to feed it the negative thoughts coming from the past.

There is a song I found..it is a Christan song. I am not into Christianity at all...it left a sour taste in my mouth.

My spirit now resides from the inside out,
but the words...well damn they were good so I thought I would share, I have it playing now, but here are the lyrics..and I though about my friends..who are single moms, who have been abused, who have had their souls ripped from them..and all we want as human, as woman is to feel worthy..and beautiful...

I know I needed a reminder of this when I was 16. I wanted to to leave this world, there was too much pain..I really tried to take my own life.

..but a small fant voice inside said..no..stop...and the road ahead by myself..getting myself through was so difficult.


Sometimes we all need the still small voice inside, or that of a friend, if you are lucky, that says no,stop,enough... let me help you off that ledge

you are worthy, you are enough..let me hold your hand..and start walking down the rough road ahead with you.


So here's to you my friends,
those walking the hard roads,
I can hold your hand because I have been there
you are worthy and beautiful, and who you are is quite enough


(it is a mushy blog tonight..just thinking about the past and a few friends in the present going through dark times)

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory



You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

~Almighty Heidi

Hurricane

It is hurricane season...the news tells you to get prepared..just in case.

When I lived in Kansas we had tornado sirens that would go off..to warn you that the shit might hit the fan.

I know..if we tap into it we have an intuition that things might be going bad..I knew it with my job.

Then there are other scenarios...that just happen, no warning sirens, no news flashes they just happen unexpectedly.

In the eye of the hurricane..it is the most amazing thing....the wind stops blowing, the sun shines..and you have a moment to regroup..to look at things that might have been damaged..do some assessment, and hunker down and prepare for the rest best you can.

I am in the eye. It is still, quiet and there is an erie glow in the horizon. Im just waiting to see where the wind blows...

I have this wierd peace..or false sense of peace, not sure...I'm assessing the damage and taking a moment to regroup and try and make it through the next phase.

So this is my quiet..the calm before the storm, or during...not sure just taking it day by day. The world around me is not done spinning yet..

In the meantime..I have love...and no matter which way the wind blows..I have love in my life. My children, my father..my friends. These are the things that will make the storm clean up so much more bearable.

~Almighty Heidi

My Mosiac

Mosaic art became really popular there for awhile. I think when I get older, that will be one of my hobbies..making something beautiful out of the broken.



The past few weeks have been so difficult. Just when I think I have things figured out, or manageable, the glass gets broken into even smaller pieces..even the music in my head seems out of tune..nothing makes sense.


I had found a part time job, to go along with my art time job waiting tables. Together, life would have been tight, but it was something.

I was told I was needed asap, then it went into the next week, and this week, now I might not be needed till September.


Earlier this month I had a "Random Act of Kindness" bestowed upon the old Almighty. A financial gift from a stranger to help pay the rent and my electric this month. Without this help I honestly don't know where I would take my kids to live.

I ate a piece of humble pie, with a side of "I cant believe this is happening" , followed with a big thank you and a sigh of relief. That is just stuff you see on Oprah..not in my life :)

This random act was the glue of hope I needed..so I could put a few pieces of my life back together again. It brings some faith that maybe, just maybe, there will be a soft safe place to land.

Truly I'm not sure what the future is holding.
I signed up for some online classes for the future me, to put her at ease.

The present me is still frightened but full of hope..and my Mosaic is like a kaleidoscope lately,
full of color,
blurring and changing,
clear, then unclear,
then changing again.


I really hate change, I fear change, my world goes in vertigo around it, but here it is like it or not.

I have come to the realization that I don't think I have any control of it.

I can put out resumes, and try and keep life going the way I know how..but the rest of it..waiting for the glue, trying to listen to the silent knowing, that it will all be OK.

Picking up and starting all over..again, and again.

Somehow, something beautiful will be made out of the broken.


Almighty Heidi

The swamp

Here is a clip, it made local news, the job I was let go from...along with all the other employees.

http://www.wftv.com/news/24481678/detail.html

In sleep there is no rest

I dream of alligators ( I live in florida)

all around me,

there is no way out but through

the swamp is thick with mud

and I don't know which way is safe

and I am to afraid to go through

but to stand there

doing nothing is to give up

so I must go through

in faith, that it will all be ok.

But I do know

Sue..my Dad, Captain Makle and his wife Toni.

Jason..ahh Jason..you could just leave now

it is too much ..but you stand by

holding onto the tears

All of you wishing for lotto

:)

Wishing to do more

Terri, Matt, Theresa,

Ed and Gussie, Akaska, Greenfingers, Robin

You are there

to try and lift me up

letting me know I am not alone

to try and keep my soul

away from the alligators

So I pray

to a god I am so unsure of

holding onto the invisable rope

to get me out of the swamp.

Thank you.

Almighty Heidi

(and the children of the almighty Kayla, Nathan, and Michael...and almighty pug dogs..the soul of unconditional love Winston and Cosmo)