Stirring The Unseen

Ok, Im not in a dark place..just thinking..meditating on a few things..I watched this show that brought up alot of feelings, that I am ok with now.

Numbing pain, not having to feel it or deal with it...always leads to a bigger problem. I was watching a show on a young 20 something who was using pain pills, cutting, anything to numb her pain from the age of 13 on.

She said she never felt..worthy enough....there was a hole she could not fill. ..and she kept trying to gill that empty space..with crap..masking emotion..numbing the insides. Then when all the world was against her, there was one, who saw her for who she was, had faith in her and helped her get better.

I know how dangerous that is, that not worthy feeling. Maybe it is a girl thing? I have been there. I dont know where it stems from, but it was there ..that feeling...from when I was 14 on up. There is not much I can attribute it to..it was like it was sewn into my genetic code somehow...and you look for stuff...to fill that hole..and all it does it make it worse.

This show touched me because I have been in those dark places, I think we all have been..within our own soul at one point.
Maybe..this is how we become the light
Maybe this is how we understand..the fragile humaness of others...of our selves.

When you finally allow yourself to feel..your soul stirs..good and bad...kinda like cleaning my fishtank..it looks good from the outside, but once the gravel starts moving around at the bottom, all the gunk surfaces to the top...untill you clean it all up, or..it settles to the bottom waiting for the gravel to be stirred again..and it starts to stink.


Screaming inside
twisted
broken
bound
by my own thoughts

Lay back
let her go
set me free

Falling into her soul
the one who stirs the unseen within me

whispering softly
against the madness

she who is assulted by her own self'
her own mind
her own feelings

bleeding
not to feel

I see in you
worthy
beautiful
strength beyond measure

release me
let me go and
stir the unseen
pateintly cleaning
the wounds of hurt

filling her soul with faith
courage
and love for herself
filling the empty spaces

Lay back

let her go

set me free.

Almighty Heidi

You are in truth of the soul, of the soul, of the soul

"Oh soul,you worry too much.

You have seen your own strength.

You have seen your own beauty.

You have seen your golden wings.

Of anything less,why do you worry?

You are in truth the soul, of the soul, of the soul ~Rumi

My blog about control..good and bad. I went to the gym..and let it all out. Good.

The muscles, underneath the muscles, underneath those..hurt...but the heart still hurts, the worries are still there of course, but working out gives me a better clearer outlook of sorts.

I suppose it is not so much the control I am missing, as I need an outlet. I read this yesterday and it made me think.. :http://www.squarepegpeople.typepad.com/squarepeg_reflections/

Namahaby Tina M. Marks Shirley

The"lesser known" Sanskrit word that means "not me" or "its not about me." It reflects the notion that we are not the ones in control.

During those inevitable times when we feel lost or confused, don't know which way to turn, or when our best-made plans go awry, trust that all is as it should be and remember:

Namaha~ Inhale: It's not about me.

Namaha.Exhale: All is well.

Namaha.Inhale: There is a greater plan.

Namaha.Exhale: I have faith. Namaha.

That is a hard thing to do for me. My faith in the past few years..well lets just say hope seems like a fairytale...but I have to hang onto something....(so says my spirit)

But I think it is the one thing we as humans do..is hold on to some glimmer of hope, or faith that it is all intertwined somehow, there is a reason or a lesson behind it all..we have to when things are bad, upon bad upon bad.

If there was no reason, or fate, or something..life is pretty dark...dark is a scary bad place where I am choosing not to go.

So...

Inhale;It's not about me

Exhale: All is well

Inhale: there is a greater plan

Exhale: I have faith

~Almighty Heidi

Control

I have not posted in awhile. That is because..well..im stuck.

There is a place I see myself often..that fork in the road. I sit there, contemplate it, watch it, curse it, love it hate it. There are many forks on my path...many many thousands along the way.

I have a card on my desk that says "Every day is day one, every stinkin day"

Isn't that the truth. I cant seem to walk my first step on the path. Im stuck..contemplate it, watch it, curse it, love it, hate it.


Im in a strange season in my life. I dont understand it. I dont think my mind can even wrap around any of it anymore...it's just too much...so I find myself being stuck.

I dont want to go anywhere.
I dont want to do anything.
Routine is comfort.

Right now every thing is out of control..and I cant make it stop...and I am in a funk...wait a minute..
FUNK
there it really needed to be capitalized.

Im going to escape soon..
into the world of sweaty bodies...
no..not quite what you were thinking
although..yum that would be nice too
Im going to the gym
and try and work the funk out.

Sometimes that works..
and gives the woman who wishes she had some control over the life around her
a tad bit back
over her own self
and that is exactly what I need


Almighty Heidi

Bliss

And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. —Anaïs Nin

It is spring. Pollen is everywhere. Baby ducks are swimming with their watchfull mama at the lake I was at yesterday. Winter is gone, and there is life blooming .

Im ready to bloom..life has been so dark..so..winter.

So I thought I would write about something yummy.

In darkness

fear is lost

tender words echo

Off the chambers of my heart

I want to breathe you in

Holding me safely

the world for a moment

Is erased into sweet escape

I ache to stay in your comfort

Softly kissing

my soul captured

intoxicated

Heart pounding

I lie awake

and wish for you

~Almighty Heidi

Rambling Poetry

I never wrote poetry..not untill the last year...now..it just happens. I have to write..it is my outlet..my drug of choice.

Here is the latest..I wrote today..just rambling..kinda dark, but Im kinda dark lately so here ya go:

Invention of tales
clothed in lies
your stench burns my nostrils

walking thru
thinking the world
is wrapped around your unwed finger
bound to no one


Standing firm upon deceit
confident of your own distortion
twisted darkness
causing pain on whom he touches

Looking at me

spinning the invention of tales

like a raveonous animal

sensing

that I can finally see who you are.

~Almighty Heidi

Light a candle

This weekend, I was sick, real sick.

So much stress at times it has been unbareable. My daughters health insurance ends through the state when she turns 19 in less than 60 days. She has one surgery scheduled for her jaw..and for three months it will be wired shut.

But, that is not the issue. She reinjred her back where she has surgery. From the mri results it says she has a new herniation as well as reherniating the disk where she had the surgery. Medicaid here only covers if you are an adult female that is with child or that has children, which she is not. So in order to make sure she gets the care she needs I am left putting her on my insurance with a 5 k deductible and will take 380 out of my monthy paycheck.

So I got sick to my stomach. I dont know how to make this work. Her father has stepped out of the situation completly...but im tired of my emotions taking hold..my brain is on overlaod, and my soul aches. So I just unclenched my hands and let go.

Today...I just stepped into the land of acceptance, instead of making myself ill over it. I dont have all the answers, I dont know how its all gonna work...I dont know, but I will do what I know how.

I cleaned all Kaylas laundry, hung everything up so it is easy to reach, rearranged her drawers so everything she need is on the top drawer since she cant bend to get to the others. I lit a candle in her room, and I prayed as I cleaned. I made up the bed on the couch since her old lousy mattress causes pain. I shampoo'd her hair since it huts to much for her to do it herself. I keep the icepack cold in the freezer and keep her medicine nearby. My pugs keep watch, especailly cosmo who is usally my lap dog, he has turned into hers, not leaving her side.


My son is on new medication where he wants to sleep all the time, which Im hoping is healing for him. So I cleaned the clutter in his room, fluffed his pillow and made his bed so he can find rest. I lit a candle and prayed while I cleaned.

My other son is feeling lost in the shuffle, so I organized is clutter hoping he can find himself again..and I lit a candle, as a cleaned I prayed.

This is all I know to do.
I feel so empty, so I wait to see if Ican hear my soul speak..instead of my brain being in overload.

So I pray, and clean, and wait, and see what will happen next.

Almighty Heidi

Glacier Bay

I read a quote today

"Im standing on a line between quitting and seeing how much I can take.."

Well I have no choice but to take it..I mumble to myself.

There is no quitting in the place where I stand, so I cross over to place where I feel blow upon blow, jolting my soul till it shivers on the bathroom floor.

My daughter re-injured her back. We get the results on Wednesday to see if she needs another surgery..on top of a surgery she is having in 5 weeks where her jaw will be wired for 3 months.

My middle child has severe OCD and anxiety...

Doc: What do you think is OCD Nathan:
Nate:I clench my hands, or my toes or my eyes. I cant stop,

Doc:What happens when you stop.
Nate:I cant take it..I want to die.(my heart is in my throat)

Doc:So what do you do when you cant stop?
Nate:I Keep going to the next level. I see letters.
Doc: Like the alphabet?
Nate:Yes..Mostly t and f..I try and focus on them..lower case.. lower case..but then if I cant get it It goes all the way through to upper case then lower case to t..and f...t...and f. ( and I look at his face and I know he sees the letters as he is tracing them with his finger in the air)

Oh man..oh man...im thinking. ..ive never heard he wants to die..or he is having hallucinations.

Doc: Do you hear things?

Nate: No No no of course not..hearing things is like schizophrena..ive read that Im not like them..no I dont hear things. ....

This is not ever how I dreamed my childrens lives would be...never ever never ever ever.


Then..the same day as this doctor appointment my youngest son tells me he has been smoking alot of pot and would like to get counseling too, he is depressed as he is becoming more and more concerned about their dad who is in the hospital...and his brother and sister.

After all the kids were tucked away in the rooms..

I turned the shower on and cried on my bathroom floor and wanted to puke ..so I hugged my new best friend..Glaicier Bay.. Glacier Bay sounds like such a lovely place...

that is the name of my toilet...

at least thats what it says near the lid.

Glaciers made me think of Alaska....maybe I just need to jump in my car..to Alaska...I hate the cold, I live in Florida..but maybe it would numb my insides.

In all seriousness..it would be nice..to just pause so my heart can breathe...and I would ask for my emotions back as they seem to belong to whatever situation happens to come along as of late.
Oh and whoever said that god never gives you more than you can handle..is a fucking liar...just putting it out there...my 2 cents.

Almighty Heidi