2009

The things I have learned in the past year

that in the darkest dark
the stars shine the brightest

That it is ok to let go of toxic relationships
it is nessasary, not greedy, to fill life wth the good things

Ive learned that in order to let the goodness in
I have to take the bricks away from the self made wall of protection
and it's ok to be vulnerable sometimes
because hiding behind the walls
does not allow for healthy relationships
that my innermost desires

I learned that I feel everything from others
pain, sadness, loss deep down
Ive learned that empathy is a gift
but not to lose myself along the way
to learn to observe sometimes
instead of absorbing it all

Ive learned that life does not stand still
just because you hurt to your very core
I must get up in the morning
and breathe, and take the covers from over my head down.

Ive learned there will always be loss pain, sadness, darkness
on our jouneys

Sometimes you gotta scrape your soul off the floor
and move on

and maybe it is designed like this
so we dont stay in the darkness for too long

because by moving on
this is how I grow as human

and then
I can see the stars




Almighty Heidi

Being Present

Well being as it is the new year... it is resolution time.

I have a freind who is dying.

Mother of four. Wife, daughter, sister, mother, advocate for rape and domestic viloence victims.

I don't get "god" sometimes.

She has grasped onto life and is going to make it into 2010 against the odds..

In one of her letters to me she said this:

I’ve thought about his a great deal: we often do not fully enjoy the people in our lives. I am talking about belly laughing, hugging, spontaneous “I love being with you” joy that others bring. You have really made a difference in my life joy. My life is better because you are here. Sitting down and really being interested in what makes a person tick.

Sue, you have helped make me a better person.

This year..the resolution..is to BE PRESENT.

I will listen..hug more..love more..and..I will belly laugh..as many times as I possibly can. I will allow joy in...

I will be present.

I love you Sue.

~Almighty Heidi

Meditate

Daydreams

Thinking of the faraway

Welcoming thoughts

Traveling to the places

that pull me

Blue waters call my name

waves of oxygen

gathering in the light that surrounds me

the accumulation of the years

is quietly released, with each breath

Traveling to the fields

where the flowers

never fail to bloom

breathing in the scent

attracting the ambient light

visions of the future unfold




Climbing the mountains

sipping the cool water from the stream

energizing my soul

light shines through me

Hearing the song

of my own heart

love overflows with each beat



Indulging in thoughts of pleasure

Entertaining the magnificent

the life of where I belong

in my own mind

Desperately seeking

Peace




I am awakened

collpasing into reality

but for a moment comforted

I am reminded of the forever




So I sip my tea




close my eyes




and go back




to where light surrounds me




~Almighty Heidi

Oh Father

I saw your soul crumble

the untamed force

of pain

Each room in the house holds memories

ripping open the already wounded

her " I miss you" phone calls

pierces your heart

trying to find something of substance in her words

the gravity of past pulling her deeper into the darkness

to the place where she left us all

How can I help make you whole again

picking up the shattered pieces of your life

that sacred place is your own

and you hold the red stained pieces

holding them in your palm carefully

as fragile treasures of the past

desperately trying to make it as it once was

The lingering scent of her perfume

stings his nostrils

I cannot comprehend the love of forty years gone

The image of her burns in your dreams

going beyond reason in your mind

begging her to come home

How do I help you breathe

and I have not the heart to tell you

she will never come.

~Almighty Heidi

Quench

Stumbling in the desert of my own mind

demons wait

Speaking riddles

I do not understand

I ask you to quench my thirst

And you show me the river

Telling me I am already in a land of plenty

Help me to understand I ask

And you paint me the night sky and say

Have faith

That who you are is enough

and become the person

you all ready are

and I stumble back

into the desert of my own mind.

~Almighty Heidi

Another...

The past few weeks have been some tough ones. My son is going through a difficult time, he has ocd/anxiety issues, that I finally got him medicated on..and it worsened the symptoms. There are some other family issues as well…and it has made me emotionally worn.

I had a good weekend, but these things lingered in the back of my mind always.

I wish I knew how to fix him…to fix everything…..it’s not like it is when they are little and you can “Kiss it and make it all better”…and I feel utterly helpless.

Work has been just plain ugly. I had a dream last night about the building I work in. There was some kind of earth quake the building crumbled..and my job..was gone…then my own house crumbled..jobless and homeless..great.

Then a restless dream I have had a few times of being in a place and knowing I did not belong there…but not sure how I got there or how to leave….frustrating.

*sigh* even in sleep sometimes there is no peace of mind..I know this is just another phase..another season..another another...

But I know in my heart it will all be ok...and this gets me through..the another..

I believe in the magic this unknown force..that it will be ok..so Im just going to hold onto that for awhile.

Almighty Heidi

Beautiful Boy

I wish I could free your mind

not quite man

not quite child

from this prision within

for you I prayed

but all the angels music

does not make sense in your head

chords playing out of tune

jagged twisted

even the sun has become dark

oh wounded soul

my beautiful boy

asking the gods

to let it be me instead

where is the key

to set you free

Then you can let the music

speak it's truth

in a language you understand

softly whispering

untangling thoughts

calming the mind

finding the path

I refuse to let you go

I will stay close while your world is falling

go to the place

where the sun shines again

Almighty Heidi

Where The Trees Whisper My Name

Falling from grace

A place where the world is not friendly

The birds they no longer sing to her

The trees no longer whisper her name

She cannot hear

The wind, it blows through her hair

But she cannot feel

Running away

Calloused heart

catches her breath

Her words are salted wounds

Bubbling up from the place within

Stinging, with each syllable

The empty ache

This unfamiliar self

"This is not who I am"

Leads her back, climbing up to the sky

She falls back into grace

Where in this world, she is not alone

The birds sing to her

The trees whisper her name

And the wind blows through her hair

Honoring herself

Brave heart
catches her breath

Her words are like honey

Radiating from the place within

Soothing with each syllable

Finding herself familiar

in that sacred place

with wings

she had all along

flys into grace

~Almighty Heidi