No Shoes

My daughter had surgery on Thursday. It honestly looks lke she was hit over the head with a baseball bat. The recovery is hard..being up every 2 hours to give her meds..or a few ounces of fluid at a time..it breaks a mama's heart...it really breaks my heart.

But I know it is temporary.

It makes me thankful..that she is not cronically ill. This is in an odd way.. is easy..her jaw is broken, she will get better and heal...

My son's condition..there is not a broken one that can be fixed. It is chronic..it is almost a taboo thing..mental illness..nothing that you can just..go in, take out and make all better.

Such a road.... a road I wish I were not on, there are too many sharp rocks that cut to the soul.. and...Im not wearing shoes.

I feel guilty about having to leave this week...for a few hours, desperatly trying to find a second job..to leave the ones even longer that need me the most..so that we can have food, and a place to live. It's just not right. It really is not right, it goes everything in my nature of being a mom.

Let me just say this fucking sucks.

But for Kayla..there is nothing that can heal
her dad not showing up
not giving a damn
calling to see if she is ok
he has just..quit.

This is the part where the animalistic protector in me comes out
I will wake up every two hours to take care of my child
I will do everything in my power to make the hurting stop
do whatever she needs..to make it all better
cause that is what moms do..that is what I am built for
it's just there, in my blood

Mother
protector
feel better-er


For the parts I have no control over..I will still do everything in my power to make the hurting stop...climb up the sharp rocks..and pray...pray to a god I am not sure of, the one who I just see placing more and more hurdles to see if I crack.. and hope for my childrens to overcome the ugliness of it all.


This is the road we are on, my kids and I
souls being cut and bruised
continuing to jump over the hurdles
hoping to heal

This is me..having a hard day
super tired
Tommorrow, is a new one
and we will be ok

Almighty Heidi

Dance With Me

Magic

Having faith that everything will be all right
When the world around you is so wrong.
Trying to see into the crystal ball of my soul
Predicting its future with hopefulness
Not listening to the false prophets of my mind
speaking fear

Dance with me
under the moonlight
raising you hands to the sky

Contagious joy
cuaght by the wind
creates the magic
that makes the fear fall away.



Do you ever feel like you keep treading water, faster and faster feeling like at any minute you will drown? I have this feeling everyday…like I’m just waiting to break..to lose all self control and someone may just have to find me under my desk in the rocking in the fetal position…”Yup she’s finally cracked” I would hear them say as I get taken away in a straight jacket. Im thinking of having a custom made one just in case. You can get that on eBay right?

On the way to work I caught myself as I scanned my body looking for some sort of sign that it’s is going to begin..the cracking… “Nope not yet”
I think that it has not happened yet…because I can see a glimmer of the light sometimes, the magic...the good stuff.

Thursday I was given a gift that enabled me to get all the food and supplements I needed for my daughters surgery since she will be on a liquid diet for a few months since her jaw will be wired shut. It also helped provide some cake and pizza for her 19th birthday tomorrow...this was truly magic...seriously. I had only 5 dollars left in my checking account.

Some more of the glimmer..Friday my children decided to go with me to the free music in the park. It is an event my community puts on every week that I’m so thankful for. We fed the turtles and there were about 50 in the water, and about a dozen ducks came to compete. It was really kind of neat. The breeze was blowing and it was the perfect night. My son even smiled a few times. I loved having my family around.

Little kids usually get up and dance all over to the music.. ...just having a good ol time, and its adorable to watch. This particular night there were two twin adult boys that were mentally handicapped. I’ve seen them before.

They had pure, pure, intoxicating joy.

I watched them clap and dance under the moonlight, not caring what anyone thought.

I found myself so jealous of that happiness bubbling up. If I could just feel a handful of that joy for just a moment..then I realized that I was smiling, and what they had was contagious, I felt the magic...another gift to my soul ..that blooms hope.

~Almighty Heidi

If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it. ~Mary Engelbreit

I Scream For Ice Cream

From understanding comes love ~Rumi

My son had a migrane for two days. The second day had worsened so bad we were sent to the ER, mainly because the severe headache along with his increase in his OCD and seeing things and all..well they just wanted to make sure.

This part is raw

this part is real..

the part that makes me feel just awful.

For a few moments..a few hours, I entertained the thoughts...

If it is a tumor that means maybe they can "fix" him. Maybe it's NOT him. Maybe we can just make this all go away.

Maybe they can make the number 5 go away...the number that he hears over and over and over again in his head..or the letter t..

555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555

His scans were fine. We were sent home after they gave him some medication to keep him from throwing up, and for the pain...one is used for schizophrenia.

TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Then I got home and I had two rejection letters waiting for me for 2nd jobs. Not the worst part of my day..but it did not help things any.

I was numb untill today.

Today I am mourning the loss of life as I thought it was going to be. I think I needed to do this.

I am mourning for my son and I see the challanges ahead..and I am rolling twoards acceptance.

Tommorrow I will move on to acceptance...and I will fight the challanges with my son..

but today..

today I must tear off the superhero cape

cry like a baby...

eat chocolate ice cream...

scream into my pillow...

and be mad at the world

I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love. Mother Teresa

AlmightyHeidi

Superhero

Childhood

At 5 and 6 we fought against the "bad guys"
in our underoo's, and capes made out of sheets

Making the world right
balancing the forces of good and evil
in the universe.

Valant heros
of the one room with airconditioning
on the steamy July afternoon.

The dark forces
invade our planet

"Didn't I tell you already
to go O-U-T-S-I-D-E" they say

We grab our invisible, but oh so powerful
lightsabers

plotting the ultimate demise
of the evil mothership and air conditioning conquest
for another day

as our secret plans

to find a neighbors pool

unfolds

~AlmightyHeidi

Thank you

I never had a poem written for me
till today.

Thank you Matt
for the oxygen mask :)
Here is the link below:
http://www.shadowofiris.com/2010/05/07/almighty-heidi-keep-writing/



AlmightyHeidi

Words

I did not think..earlier this week that I would have anymore words left to write
but I do...

There is this black hole that feeds off my soul
and I am not sure why it has chosen me

So I guess..I have to let it out

I have words..not of peace, or enilghtenment
but I guess of this path that I dont understand of now...

My father for the fourth time
the last
two weeks ago
has been broken into

he lives in fear
of every noise in his home

there is nothing left to take
nothing of value anyways

his one possesion
his tv, he hides in his bathtub every morning before work
and it is safe
no one has found it


His soul

my mom took with her when she left
he has tried so hard to build his life
and I watch him trying to put back the pieces of forty years
he his reached a place of peace within
that he can at least breathe

and my mother
is coming home, what used to be home
just for awhile later this month to help my daughter recoup from surgery
this is what my daughter wants
and besides..this is about her, and her healing

But

I worry
about my mom playing with my fathers emotions as she lives with another married man
for over a year,
and my dad does not have the heart to divorce her
He still wants her..his honey his "b" his life back.

I watch from the outside in
knowing that no matter what
I will be there to pick up the broken
with my father

My son can no longer attend school

"Mom picture the number five
now say it again five times
then ten times in your head
then fifty, then times a hundred
then if that does not work can you see the letter T
trace it over and over again with your finger
again and again..can you hear the teacher talking?"

His brilliant mind is jumbled wth letters
and numbers and computer codes that he cant find the off switch for

Maybe this..this is why did not want to write because it is
RAW
it is painful

but I dont know what to do with it
but write

and hope

somehow the universe can hear
the cry of my heart

I want to hide in the bathtub
I want to find that safe place
where no one can find me

I want to hide
but... I want to be seen
I need to be heard.

AlmightyHeidi

Adios

The time has come where the income tax and savings have run out and child support is still ceased...and I have had the flu..for 5 days.

Im scared
kinda feel alone
without alot of options

Going to move into a tiny 2 bedroom place in July
if i can pull that off
which requires me landing that second job

So for now
I have nothing left to say

except
Im done writing

It was a fun.

Almighty Heidi