Warmth

Last night I had a dream of going to Hawaii again.
The breeze was warm. I breathed it into my lungs so deep they almost burst. God that felt good.


I dipped my toes in the water, and it was like a bathtub of relaxation.I love this dream...I hate waking up from it now.
We were staying in a house right on the beach and we would leave the windows open and let the outside in...



It is hard for me to let the outside in sometimes..the good outside..the warm breeze outside...



My soul is desperatly telling me it's time for some R&R...I think I will have to make some time to see the ocean this weekend...

Aloha'

Almighty Heidi

Barefoot Beautiful

You leave behind a trail of broken glass

for me to step in.

Bleeding I bend down slowly

trying to put what once was back together again.

Instead all I do is make something different,

and it is beautiful....

For all those that have been broken...Heidi

Red Red Wine

This weekend B and I were out at a local pub. I finally got up the courage to speak about whats been going on, hoping maybe to break the unspoken silence...


"You are unhappy arn't you?"


I thought this would lead into a deep conversation..and I would go ahead and admit that I was unhappy too..

"Yeah, I'm unhappy. Last night, I came home and I could not find a fork and there was toothpaste in my sink."


I was stunned. His phone rang and I swirled the red wine around in my glass, watching the tiny peice of cork floating at the top. Not wanting to get the wine on my white shirt, I let the cork be.


When B came home he slammed the drawers and dishwasher last night mad that there was no fork in the drawer...I suppose that evening is when there was toothpaste in his sink...This is what happens if everything is not perfect in the house.


In my head I am screaming whie he is taking a business call.


Im screaming in all the depths of my soul..my pores are on fire with anger...


You are unhappy because of this? This?!!

I want to hit him and lose my mind go crazy, FOR YEARS YEARS I have never been enough. I will never be enough, I will never do enough, and in return you will punish me by not even handing out one tiny morsel of love, or sacrifice, empathy, touch, a kiss, or simple compassion. I will never be thin enough, the kids wont be good enough, we wont clean enough, or bow at your feet enough. You have called me fat, you have said I am ignorant, you have gambled all our money away, you have belittled me and my children, and you sir area a peice of shit.

I Quit.

Your Fired.

He gets off the phone, to take another phone call, and I try swollow my sip of wine, but there is a big ol knot forming in my throat that I am about to choke on because of the rage..I have to get up and go to the bathroom to cry because I dont want him to see that it hurt.

I wipe my eyes, reapply my make up, and watch him for awhile...and then decide to just let it go. It's not time for this conversation yet...

The cork in the wine was keeping my mind calm for a bit, distracted from the conversation I wanted to have. Finally I just let the cork go..then I let b go as well.

To let him go was an empowerment to me of..you can't hurt me anymore...

by me letting you go..you no longer have a place within me that you can harm...


Almighty Heidi

The "C" Word

This particular blog is in honor of another.
Another person whom I have never met that has cancer. I think in every family cancer has touched each one of us in one way or another. Please see this link, and send along a note if you can.

http://bonesigharts.blogspot.com/2009/04/melissas-brainstorm.html

This might not be your typical cancer story. It is one of me dealing with things the best I knew how. The little girl that lived in her own mind that did not know how to express herself..I wish I had.

When I was 14 my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I can say that I fully did not understand it. I was not sure what cancer was, but when you said the “C” word, people stepped back almost in fear. I had used this to my advantage one day in English class as I forgot my most important essay..so I decided to use the C word , since it held so much power. I wrote my teacher a note and gave it to her.

“Dear Mrs Jackson. Im sorry I do not have my assignment. My mom is in the hospital with cancer. I can turn in the assignment tomorrow.”

My teacher tearfully walked me into the hallway, held my hand and said
“You take as much time as you need..in fact don’t worry about this assignment. I will let your other teachers know what is going on”

Ok, this *rocks* I thought to myself.

From then on, I had sympathy from all my teachers and extended homework times.

My mom in fact was in the hospital, and by the third day I was able to see her…and it was not until then, and only then, that I started to understand this cancer.

This cancer thing made my moms skin pale white.

She had tubes, lots of tubes going in and out of her body.

It made my head spin.

Mom wanted me to come over and sit on the bed

but my throat was choked up with tears

I knew if i sat on the bed I would break down...

I was in fear of all of the tubes, so I refused.

I felt bad but, I was also angry, but I could not figure out all the emotions in my head...

I was trying to hold onto a dot on the floor,

the only thing that did not seem to be moving,

the only thing I could hold onto..

the only thing that made any kind of distraction from my internal conflict

was a stupid dot on the floor.

My father sat and talked with her awhile, my brother and I were uncomfortably pacing, and then my mom said, Heidi..can you do me one favor before you leave?

Before I could answer she said,

“Can you shave my legs?”

She had several days of stubble on her legs that she could not reach that was driving her nuts under her hospital gown…

but all I could blurt out in my own stupid teenagerish voice was,

“No..Im not gonna shave your legs that is so totally gross"

Oh how I regret that moment. It was not about shaving her legs, it was that.."Well damn it, you are going to have to get better and do it on your own... You will not be too sick to do this yourself..."

All it was to my mom was.."Im stubbly"

...it was not giving up...

even though thats what I felt.

It was fear.

My ugly little teenage attitude was pure fear.

It was at that time I started not blowing off my homework…almost trying to please the homework gods so as not to punish my mother for me using her as an excuse.

I worked real hard.

To make it worse I found a note from my mom, leaving behind some tapes, just in case she would die.

It pissed me off so bad,

that I took the tapes, and broke them all in half.

How dare her even think of leaving us.

Thank goodness she didn’t leave us.Thank goodness she is still living today.

I would have gone my whole life wondering what were on the tapes.

Years later I ended up in the trauma unit at a local hospital. After the 5th day of critical care and my back being fused, I could not bend.

My best friend sat with me and brushed my hair. I felt so gross because I could not get up to take a shower.

I love Mary for that, I always will.

My mother reached over the tubes, and pillows and started to shave my super prickly legs.

I cried.

I told her this story, and she did not even remember...my attitude or not wanting to shave her legs..the story I remembered my whole life...

this was my mom.

Her and Mary had shown me love...love in the simplest ways that will always be in my heart forever.

Latte'

Heidi

Letting go..again..and again.

Sometimes in order to grow..we have to let go. It all began with our umbilical cords I suppose. Releasing the grip from my hand can be difficult. I want to hold onto fear, and nourish him for a bit in my mind. Hold him and caress him and feed him in my hand. Playing out all the “what if’s” that can happen. I want to wait for the shoe to drop, because it always does… Fear loves this and feeds on this..and has become my pet. Fear won’t leave me alone and requires constant attention, which I have found exhausting.

Then the Almighty Heidi comes out with her super sword and cape and says.."Enough, it’s time for you to go now."

And it leaves, slowly, tentacles trying to grasp onto my hand for every last second…It’s grip on me is gone, at least for today, he’s always looking to sneak back in. And I take a deep breath for the first time in days…realizing..that this..is nothing...I've been through worse and it's gonna be ok.

Glad I found my sword and cape...gotta make sure I don't misplace it next time!

Almighty Heidi

...and finally...sleep

Part of me is excited about getting a second job. Knowing I can support everyone is huge of course, but getting back into a field I love, would be even better.I’ve done this before, I do not look forward to being exhausted, but…I want to be on my own so it is worth it.

Then the voice..look how much time you have wasted…and I could feel the voice shaking it’s head in disappointment in me.

Damn Aliens in my head...

Shut up.

That’s the voice that wants me too look at my whole damn life, regret not finishing college, regret regret regret...but no...I refuse and make it go away.

The teenagers:
The kids evidently had redbull or something with A LOT of sugar before I came home last night because they were bouncing off the walls.

I just wanted peace. They wanted just the opposite.

Michael, my 13 year old, goes to take a shower. Finally I get them all to settle bit before bed. I almost had my head down on a lovely feather pillow when..
I hear a blood curdling scream.
It is my daughter.

She points..with her hand over her mouth in disbelief..at her brother.

"I prefer to air dry” says my naked son.

Oh my god. He has been preferring to sleep naked too. I..just don’t know about that one.

But these are the things…that just make you crack up after being in your own head all day stressing out. These are the priceless gems I will tease them about when they become parents of their own.

Sleep:

Finally I was able to sleep. I was in somebody’s arms all night in my sleep, I could feel them, I kept waking up and I was alone on the couch, but it made me smile because It felt good..I swear my head was on someones chest, it was warm, and I could feel the breath in and out on my arm.

Ahhh security. ...

Then I dreamed of being outside..it was warm, and cool at the same time, under the moon..I love the moon..I stare at it alot..I have since I was a kid. I always put my thumb up to it to make it fit my fingernail...still do.

I also dreamed..beleive it or not..get ready for this one...aliens. Trying to destroy me, but I would not let them..hmmmm..yeah working out the internal conflicts huh? (I won by the way..the bad aliens had to leave..the good ones are around somewhere..)

Almighty Heidi and her little green friends

lol

Dreaming

Part 1: Self Destruct..

The last two nights I have not slept all that well. I found out that my paycheck and hours were being cut. Im only a few months away from leaving b. I just want to make enough for me an the kids, and I will right?

Either way, I can't stay ..and I am scared for the first time of the future.

It is not only me, but the rest of the company trying to hold on. I think it has frightened me even more subconsciously..because even though I feel ok, I have found myself in self destruct mode..which is not eating, or eating to much, not sleeping, and well over doing it a bit on Friday with the alcohol...then overdoing it physically..cleaning and what not...trying to clean up a mess that exsists in my head..not in my house...but I took it out on the floors anyways. Scrub therapy. I can step back now and see it, which is good..but I feel numb.

I am alot numb...I am numb because I am scared..so I build a wall not to feel...but end up having to deal with it anyways.

I also looked at an apartment I want to get..then was told by a friend that B was ready to move out himself 6 months ago, which is great news, but it bothers me, just a small bit. I want to say what is wrong with me, but I cant go there…I know it’s not me, but there is the voice whispering at the back of your head wanting to say that you are no good. ..I tried to muffle it with one too many glasses of wine..the voice ended up with a mild headache, but he still comes back. So lesson learned, no more self medicating..I know better.

Part two...Dreaming...

Then there was my dream I had last night. I dreamed again (twice now) that I was getting married.(WTF) At first there was panic. I was having a real wedding. Napkins? I have to pick out napkins? I have never done that before. I was stressed over napkins...not the whole getting married part. In real life I would be..wtf are you doing?!!!

Then there was a panic of my hair before the wedding..I think this came from my weekend of very bad hair and throwing the brush down on the bathroom counter.

I dreamed we did something strange. Everyone was seated waiting for the ceremony to begin. I walked into the front area of the church where the groomsmen stood, and my soon to be spouse grabbed my hand. I was wearing a beautiful knee length blue dress. A blue I cannot describe it was so beautiful, a deep blue. When I held his had everyone stood...in honor.

He reached over and grabbed my fathers hand, I reached over and grabbed his fathers hand, who in turn grabbed his mothers, and before you know it, everyone in the church was holding hands. Just then a prayer was being said in Hebrew, it was finished, I smiled, and left to go get dressed for the real ceremony.

This prayer was a blessing on the marriage itself. And by each of us reaching for the other families hands, we were entering into each others lives, and by the guests holding hands we were taking the others friends as our own. One big family.

I was in an Ivory dress, and we honeymooned in Hawaii( I was born there and have always wanted to go back). It was warm, and breezy, and beautiful. Peace. I could see Maui from the plane.

This is all I have, but it was peaceful...and when I woke up a I panicked for a moment at the thought of marriage.

Then I went back to the peace.

So today I refill my ambien...sit at my desk and listen to the rain outside, writing this down, trying to figure me out.

Heidi

I NEED

I need sunshine...the beach..the sand...the sound of the waves......my body craves it sitting here in a flourecent lighted office with no windows. But even outside today it is dreary and grey. My skin craves the warmth, and the glow you get (not the burn) after you leave...

I need to take a long walk, with the wind blowing in my hair....

I need the cool water on my feet...I need to pick up shells and take them home.

I need to see my kids bobbing up and down in the water..body surfing...

I need to fall asleep..just for awhile.

I need..a maid while im gone to clean the house:o)...oh wait I must have fell asleep..cause Im certainly dreaming there.

Just a short post today.

Love you all

Almighty Heidi

MMmmmmm Oh Yeahhh

Since doing my 9 miles on Saturday, my body has given me the big ol gigantic middle finger. Ok..maybe I over did it..meanwhile my boss is smirking, because although he has not worked out because he hurt his back..by quiting his coke (a-cola) addiction…he has lost a ton of weight….but cant reveal how much till Monday.

I want to hurt him.

I want to hurt him bad.

I think I must come in tomorrow with crispy creams..they are his favorite. It is time to play mean.

Disclaimer from the Almighty Heidi..

(If talking about sex in anyway bothers you …please read no further…)

I figured out today..…well let’s face it..I need sex..there it’s out there. I think excersizing has...well gotten all the happy sex hormones back and they are in full raging throttle. I understand why my dog humps the green blanket now. Poor guy. I get it....There is only so much 2 D batteries can do...ya know?

I need..skin..lips…a warm body….hands all over my body *sigh*

*Sigh again*....

MMMMMmmmmmm

Anyways..had a moment there...

This too..is a great workout and calorie burner..all the wonderful great benfits..the kind of gym I would visit at least three times a week... and happily pay for this gym membership...

(he he he made myself laugh)

I don’t think I am your ordinary woman…I *LOVE* sex…. Love it love it love it...thus the three kids I suppose.
What’s up with the gals who have a headache..or don’t feel like it ..or whatever excuse..I just don’t get it (Literally)..I really don’t get it….embrace your inner sex goddess ladies…woohoooo.

No I am not a ho.

Maquade..step awayyy from the woody…

I’m glad I am not a guy..I would have a woody.

I like the word woody..it makes me laugh.

Woody woody woody woody..ok I feel better now.

Woody.

Well it’s better than saying penis.

That is not a sexy word. Woody is not sexy either..just funny.

Cock…Dick??? Better I suppose, but penis..I love my penis..hmmmm.

Almighty Heidi and her Woody..hehe.

Empowerment For The Aliens In My Head

Work has been kinda slow. I have been thinking of some crazy wonderful things lately. When I was a little girl I was soo scared of loud noises. At fourth of July I would be in tears, as all the sounds terrified me..seriously.

I lived near a military base when my dad was in the marines. The helicopters would fly real low over our house, and the loud whop whoop whoop whoop of the blades would scare the bejeebers out of me. They also resmbled giant grasshoppers to me..so I imagined them swooping down and taking me away to gobble me up.

To be a shy , very sensitive little girl, who lived mostly in her own inner world of imagination…the real loud world scared me...(it still does..ha!!)

Growing up with my dad we watched LOTS of old war movies, and the tv shows such as MASH.
To me war was petrifying, and made me sick to my stomach, and it still does...The helicopters, the guns, the marching soldiers,the tanks on base and aircraft..was all for..war...I got this as a 5 year old, i did understand.

My entire family is militarty..Father..grandfather, brother. My son wants to go as well… I do honor all the soldiers for putting their lives on the line.. I honor my family.

but my stomach will ALWAYS turn because

I don’t understand the inhumanities of the world,

torture because of a different belief,

religion,

or lifestyle…

but unfortunately HATE will always exist….tolerance may never be fully seen on any level…

I decided to face one of my fears. NO idea why, just thought I should.

I do not like guns...

he first time I saw them was on a gun range, not sure if it were at the base or not, but it stems from that time when I was little.

I am terrified of them.

I must have been killed by one in a former life. If a gun were in a room, I would not touch it. I don’t care seeing them in movies and such, that does not bother me...but in real life..my heart skips a beat…or two..or three....and i break out in a cold sweat...

So… sometime soon….

I’m gonna go to a gun range..and shoot a gun…

totally NOT in my nature,

but just to empower myself..and not be afraid...

I just want to face my fears..this being the first one...to say i can...

next is heights..

because the Almighty Heidi does not jump off buildings in a single bound cause she gets real dizzy and wants to puke...

(And nooooo im not gonna shoot B..ya'll are just sick)

Latte’

Heidi The Almighty Gun Slinger

Empty Space

I keep trying to fill the empty spaces of me, but I fill them with stuff that does not last, or is not good for me, or is just a band-aid. I do not know why the empty spaces exist, where they came from, or how to fix them.

Religion, food, love, non-love, alcohol, exercise, whatever..it does not work. The Aliens in my brain are pacing around wandering through this desert not knowing what to do either.

But when I start working on all the junk in my life...it’s like using a dull razor on all the intimate parts!! Who wants to do that?

I read this….

“You learn how to say I was wrong and to forgive people for their own human frailties. You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture. And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want or expect certain things. And you learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake. Then you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that you don’t know all the answers, it’s not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to Let Go.”

Oh why is all of that..every word in every sentence so hard to do? Forgive, build bridges, Entitlement..ughhhh

This weekend I will not have the kids. This is me time. Good and bad. I will enjoy the quiet of the house, and having the house stay clean for two days in a row…but then there is time, in my own head...and that is when I start shaving….oooooOOOOoooo.

Speaking of Intimate parts….

My son was recruited by his high school coach after he ran a 5 minute mile in flip flops because he forgot his gym shoes. He starts training next week, but has been going to the gym with me on a regular basis, and is on the teenage diet of eat everything in sight trying to bulk up.

Showering twice a day now, he has real dry skin, so a friend of ours recommended this soap, funny thing was that after Nate got out of the shower, he was like “DUDE it feels like somebody put icy hot on my wanker”

I went into the bathroom and read the soap label… “tea tree oil and eucalyptus oil”

I was in tears….laughing.

The next day after his workout, he showers, comes out…"Mom…I don’t want to smell like sweaty balls, so I had to use my soap..but can you please get me something else,cause my nuts are on fire”

Tears…again….and then I put the soap in Bruce’s shower…*evil grin*

Almighty Heidi