A bit of me..

Red Wine....



Hot Baths...



Fuzzy new socks...



Music is food to my soul




I love..to give love...



I believe in something greater than myself..



Some days I miss being little



But I still believe in making wishes...




and today I wish to remember the simple things...


Almighty Heidi

Creating Magic

I the next several weeks, I am going through a series of big life changes...too many in a row. My blogs have been alot deeper than they used to be. My heart is so heavy, and this stuff...well it overflows and pours out onto these pages. So here is todays overflow of me.




She must believe in something bigger than herself.
Something, someone who hears the silent prayers of her heart.

When she is done being mad at what can't be undone,
she unclenches her hands
and in complete defeat
and submission to the unknown

She raises her hands back up
open
ready to recive
whatever might be given to her
the one who listens to the silent prayers


"You can have whatever you want.
It is up to you.
I have always been here,
I miss you"


and I realize it is my own voice.



Almighty Heidi

Drowning in my head

Today I want to hide under my covers
push the world away for a little longer


Thoughts..

they swim in my mind
relentlessly whispering


How are you going to do it
You cant do this
What if something happens
What will you do then
You cant do this
you cant handle this
You will fail

and then I start feeling like a failure
and I sob quietly
so no one will hear my pain

Then somewhere my own voice begins
quietly doing battle in my mind...

I cant do this anymore.
I might fail
I might land flat on my face

Im not sure how
all of this is a mess
I might land on my face
but it is ok
I am ok

I take a deep breath..
and Let go
and I'm empowered
if not for a moment
by this release

and the voices they quiet...they linger
always waiting to come back,
but not today
and I pull the covers off my head....


Almighty Heidi

The Sign

I thought I would continue with a few stories of me. They do not deeply affect me as they used to, I had to let go and move on, but perhaps, it might just help someone else.

About the time I became pregnant, my brother joined up in the airforce, and soon thereafter my parents separated. As a 17 year old, I was so young, lost without my brother, and felt great guilt over my parents sepertation..of course this had to be my fault..me being pregnant and all.

So..my options were very limited in life, and at 17..I was married..Kenny was 19.

We lived on very limited money of course, I waitressed; he picked up odd jobs here and there. I would save my money for rent, and hide it in my sock drawer, but he would always find it for beer and party money. When I became “mom” this part of my life ended. I wanted to protect my child…and we butted heads about this often.

With Kenny being so young, his friends thought it great him having his own place to crash..party..break beer bottles on our walls…it infuriated me, especially with a crying child at 2 am with metallica blasting in the next room.

Fights started to now get physical…and I found out I was pregnant..again..

Go figure..you miss two little ol birth control pills…

We were being evicted out of our home so we had to move. Kenny found a small trailer to move into, and I gave him all my tip money. I had enough money left over to fill up the natural gas tank for the heat and stove.

I had worked a 10 hour shift and picked up my daughter at my sister in laws. I was tired, and we still had to unpack.

I came home and the gas was not turned on..the money was gone..along with my secret stash of diaper money. It was already 10 at night and I was exhausted, and burst into tears..and landed on my knees rocking my child in my arms..no heat…

no heat...

no heat..I bawled...and felt completly defeated..

it was February and 28 degrees out….no gas for the stove, no microwave… I kept Kayla in her jacket..she was hungry, I was hungry…well..through creative thought process I made grilled cheese on the coffee maker hot top, and soup using hot water through the coffee maker…

Kayla was a year and a half..I bundled her up as best I could, laid next to her, and realized in this piece of crap trailer I could see my own breath…that’s when I got in my car to find Kenny…this was enough!

I found him drunk at his brothers house..I asked him where the money went, and he was infuriated that I asked this in front of his family, he took me aside, we started to argue,

and before I knew it

he kicked me in the stomach

and threw me down

knowing that I was pregnant…

The money I had made that evening was taken to buy beer with...his brother turned the other cheek as though nothing had happened..

I was shaken...I did not know what to do...so I took Kayla and I held her as she slept with me in the car with the heater on.

The next morning, I had three dollars in change..kayla was hungry…I was hungry..We went to burger king and I had enough to get her French toast sticks and milk.

I was shaking and did not know what to do..I was scared and exhausted.."Oh God what do I do?"and I looked up.

There was the Bugrger King Slogan...

“Your way right away"

I thought yes…it is my way..right now.

At 19 years old I packed up Kayla..my gas tank was almost on E.

I prayed that I would make it to my folks house in Orlando…2 hours away

I had no idea what I was going to do

or how I was going to make it on my own..

I was now jobless..

now homeless...

with another child on it's way...

..but I knew I had to go…

and I did.

Almighty Heidi

Strong Women

When I was 17 I was pregnant my senior year with my daughter Kayla…my entire senior year. I actually went into labor during finals. It was one of the hardest years of my life. Talk about walking around like the woman in the Scarlett Letter. I did not have “A” on my chest, but a huge belly to remind me, and everyone else.

I wanted to quit school so badly. I could not take the snickers and sneers from fellow students. I was sick the whole pregnancy…and

my mother made me go to church, and those people were the worst condemners of them all. ..like I was a disease,
and if I was around there teens,
they might become pregnant as well.
I’m not sure if it were this, or the pregnancy, but every Sunday I puked in the church bathroom…it was a great escape to be in a small little room with no eyes on me.

But…when I held my little girl for the first time..anything I felt before..well it was all gone. I had a new role, not as shamed outcast teenager..but as proud mom.

My daughter turned 18..and now..well things have come full circle for me. She has grown up to be a strong woman. Not a lot of BS gets by her, and she stands her ground in the midst of adversity. She has been through it all with me during this uphill battle in our lives. I want to share a poem she sent to me. She understands and it still…gets me.


I see you working hard for me
And wonder what it means:
Whether I will do the same
And give up my own dreams
To offer someone else my world,
A stranger from my womb,
And say: Here, take my life,
So you, not I, can bloom.
I often wonder at the depth
Of that cool sacrifice;
I know it can't be "just because,"
Or simply to be nice.
It is so awesome, I can't think
How I could make that choice,
Except I see something in you
That gives my own heart voice.
I see sometimes a happiness
Amid the stressed-out day
That no one else can hope to know
In any other way.
I feel it when you look at me
And understand sometimes
That things I do, I do for two,
And then your hard life shines.
And when I give you grief, I know
That all the bitter pain
Between a mom and growing child
Is simply like the rain
That alternates with sunny days,
Passion without end,
While underneath is more of life
Than we can comprehend.
And then I know, perhaps, why I
Like you might be so moved
To give my life to someone else,
And know that I have loved.

Speechless,

Almighty Heidi

Madness

I walk on a thin line of love and hate…

The emotions, they build me up

They tear me down

I’m in love..

And I’ve fallen out of love...

My mind wanders in the night

my dreams are restless..

My soul is not meant to be like this

torn in two

pulled in opposite directions

Even in sleep there is no peace.

It is madness.......

Almighty Heidi

I AM...

Mother, daughter, friend, lover.

Passionate, sensative, fragile

Strong, courageous, scared.

Insecure, fighter for the better good.

I love with every cell in my being,

and put up walls to keep from being hurt.

I will smile when I am upset,

to try and hide the pain on the inside.

I hurt with every cell in my being.

I will push you away

but want you near.

Dreamer, introvert, optomist

Writer, creative, peacemaker,

Determined, intuitive, mindful

Hold my hand and we will dream together.

Injure my soul and I will fade away.

I will fade away untill I remember who I am....

I am...

Award

I have never gotten a blog award before, so thank you Alpha! You can see her wonderful blog here:

http://pushbuttonalpha.blogspot.com/

Recently alot of "followers" have been added to my blog, and I am beyond words sometimes that people might just want to read these crazy old thoughts going through my head...so all I have is to say welcome to my world...and enjoy, I am humbled:o)

Heidi

Firefly

She chased lightning bugs on hot summery nights in Kansas with her brother...

Even with my hair stuck to my face, and dirt covered hands and knees I didn't care, these were the times of adventure...dirt was normal clothing for me back then.

My brother and I would take an old mayonase jar, wash it out and poke holes in the top with a hammer and rusty nail.

"Why do you put grass and sticks in the jar?" Mark asks me

"So they don't feel so bad about being caught"

Mark looks at me as if I am a silly, but being my brother he "gets me"

I always hated the way the jar smelled. You could wash it and wash it, but it still smelled like mayo...

The sun was finnally almost down and we were on an old blanket in the grass..waiting...waiting..waiting... for them to come out and play...

the crickets chirping got louder and louder as to announce the arrivial of our guests.

Sure enough...the faint blinking of little lights began.

Mark and I looked at each other, smiled and ran. It was always a contest who could capture the most lightning bugs.

He always let me hold the jar because he knew I hated trying to catch them with my hands.

After we got around 5 or so we would watch them blink in the jar..not quite knowing what we would do with them now. .

We took a walk, making it down the road to a small church surrounded by honeysuckle.

Looking in the jar, Mark and I enjoyed our new treasure, and started making up magical powers that the bugs held.

"What if they gave us three wishes like a geenie, and we could have lots and lots of money" I said..

Mark answered "What if they could fly us away to anyplace in the world"...

And we lay on the church steps dreaming about what life would be like if...what if..

Now the stars were out, and the heat was starting to cool, and a breeze was starting to blow.

Time to go home.....

So we took the lid off the jar...

somehow we knew if we let the Fireflys go ..our wishes would be heard and answered...

they flew out one by one, and we watched them go.

Ahh childhood.

I miss it today..Mark ended up in tha airforce and has been all over the world..he did get his wish...now where is my lotto money?? Hehehehe.

From the mind of the Almighty Heidi and her adventures with her brother "Captain Markle"

.

Nature....

I took yesterday off. I did not go to the beach, but did go to the pool…and got sunburned. Ohh Almighty, sunscreen sunscreen!!!

Cool factors of my time off:

Apparently the universe knew I needed some time, so Saturday evening I was told that B was going to go away Sunday and Monday to Tampa to gamble his life away...good. Gone... Ahhhh.

So I did no housework, and went to the pool. I love the water. I have to be around it.

I watch the sunset at the lake every evening. It calms me.

I love the ocean..it brings me peace...

I dance in the rain...I do...dance...

I stomp in puddles...

Oh I love water.......

Anyways..

There was a hawk that flew over, and sat about 4 feet away from me …he just looked at me. I looked at him back, and said “Hello”. He looked away for a second, then looked back at me. Wow.

It was an awesome experience having this huge bird, sitting very manly and proud right by me. His feathers were so beautiful.

Then a sparrow came over, and started squawking at him, and flapping his wings…if he could have spoken English, I knew the sparrow was cursing.

Finally the hawk looked at me one last time, and flew away, annoyed by the smaller loud bird.

I went up and I sat on my porch feeling kind of glum and a butterfly sat on the end of my patio furniture…it’s wings breathed in and out.

He flew away, circled around, came back and landed on my toe..which made me jump. I looked at him, he looked at me, and I said “Hello”..and he just watched me, and I watched him, and finally he flew away doing a few more circles, and he was gone.

I made a mental note after seeing the butterfly, just to get out of my funk. Mother nature was trying to get my attention, so maybe I should listen.

I am celebrating today, by having a day off. Celebrating the future, the newness, the transformation of me...damnit..no feeling sorry for yourself today. Today is love the Almighty me.doing the best I can..and I love me day.

So I went inside, and turned on the happiest music I could find..which was reggae..which made me laugh. ..so I kept it on. I made it into the kitchen, and was dancing by myself, which I’m sure looked amazing (not),

and just as I’m doing a turn around swoop thingy, (actual Almighty dance move)

out of the corner of my eye

I see a man streaking across my living room with no clothes!!

I **Screammmmmm*

He jumps, and at that moment I realize that man is my son.

“When did you get home..and WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES!!!”

“You were on the porch, and I had to take a shower after practice!!”

What is the deal with not using a towel in my house…?? Speaking of mother nature..my god...how did my son get so...umm...big?

Maybe I should streak across the living room and give them a taste of their own medicine.. Muhahahaa, although, seeing my parents naked mentally scarred me for the rest of my life…ewwww…. and this is what Im gonna blame my current mental status on..cause it's always the parents fault!!

Almighty Heidi

Restless

Today comes the pay cuts...we will find out how much...it's left me restless all week, we were supposed to know on Monday..so It's like I have had a splinter all week in my finger, that I cant get rid of.

So many changes at one time, it is hard for my soul to function.

I am moving, yes, out of a 7 year relationship.

My daughter was in an accident an injured her back, and we had to pull her out of school. Now Im trying to get her GED, but she will be having Jaw surgery in June and will be in the hospital a week..after that week Im going back to work, and hope she will be fine while I am gone.

Im dealing with my father, after my mom has left him, and his home was robbed.

My sons are struggling with school...bad.

I miss my brother who moved to Japan, and my neice and sister in law.

Im worried about if Im gonna have enough people to help me move...I cant lift anything because of my back surgeries..and feel helpless. I wish I had money for movers.

Then just after I move, it's time for my kids to go back to school in August...I have to afford school supplies..

Im worried about Bruce..and the shit hitting the fan...he can get real ugly. My job is cutting my hours,

I am looking for a second job...i'm trying to lose weight, my world is just spinning...the bad spin..like you have drank too much wine, and the bed is spinning and you cant make it stop... untill you throw up.

I need to throw up. I need a good cry...spin spin spin spin spin....

Ughhh *STOP*

Some people say "Embrace the change", but that phrase makes me wanna puke too... and I know I will look back and see it is all for the greater good,

I will...that is how I am wired.

But being in the middle of it...if I hear embrace the change, I will tell you to shut the hell up..im not ready yet.

So I am putting it aside....

and going to the beach tommorrow...

Im gonna have a glass of wine..or two..

Have a ciggarette..before I quit, and add it to my list of insanity...

and maybe Sunday...I'll do it all over again.

See you all Monday..have a wonderful weekend.

Heidi