Fate Smiled

I have alot of old stories up in this old head of mine. This one came to me last night, I had forgotten about it, tucked it away, but really needed the reminder of what has been and still will be.

To get to the end we must go through first...sometimes, like it or not, have times where we just have to walk thru the fire and hope for the best, there is nothing left to do...you "got nothing left"

Im pretty sure I shared in a past blog about having my daughter just a few months after turning 18. After being kicked in the stomach while pregant with my son..I had to go. So I ended up right outside Orlando and have been here ever since.

Now the divorce was another matter. I waited untill my son was born. I did think for just a moment that maybe maybe Ken would come to his senses...but when I went into labor, I was alone, and in pain...did I mention alone...my mom came to the hospital 4 hours later but there was a sense of ultimate resignation. She read a magazine in the corner..while I wans nawing at a blanket in pain. There was alot of stress on my parents end, I get that now, boy do I get that, but I still needed a hand holder...

Ken showed up..drunk..as I was being rolled into the delivery room, and flirted relentlessly with the labor nurse...untill I rumbled in a deep satanic voice..GET OUT.

Later I held my son..alone and cried. I know this was all bad timing, I know I messed up, but I love you, and I want you, and I rocked him till the nurse came to get him, and my hands trembled all night not knowing how or what life was going to be like.


This was one of the many points I knew, it was time for the divorce. The story above is one in it's own..it still makes me tear up alot thinking about it. I waas going to erase it, but it is a part of my journey, and it is sacred regardless of it all.

but it does lead to the story below..

Ken had already filed for divorce in Marion county, but because I had moved to Orange County, I could not apply for legal aid in marion, but because I had not lived long enough in Orange I could not get legal aid there either.

No money for a lawyer...I had to go to a court hearing..alone. I was petrified.

Summons came and I had to go to court...my father went with me, but they would not let him in the room even for moral support.

His lawyer tore me to shreds. Stating I had not let Ken see the children...I had begged him to...I even drove them down just a week after by myself so his parents could see the new baby... and and..and...

I tried to speak, but trying to explain myself, there had been no child support all this time...but what I was saying was hearsay..blah blah blah.

Kens lawyer and the judge started their own law mumbo jumbo session and they became a blur.

All I could do to stop crying was try to focus on the door behind the judge, it was cracked. I could see feet moving back and forth pacing, pausing, pacing again.
I was biting the inside of my cheek..
trying to make the pain I felt inside go somewhere else for awhile..

I did not want to cry..so biting the inside of me cheek the hardest I could ..

watching the feet pacing...

Swallowing down the blood and the big knot in my throat.


I left with a very stern warning and visitation schedule from the judge. I was made out to be..the bad guy?

Ever cry so hard you cant catch your breath?

All my emotions just burst at that moment. I did not know what to do next. I was just emotionally..exausted.

I felt violated

misjudged

wounded.


As I was trying to breathe, and wiping my tears and old man entered the room after the hearing was over.


He walked over to me, put his hand on my shoulder as I was looking down.

"Honey..why is it that you do not have an attorney?"

In between sobs I told him the whole story, and he smiles.
Then he takes my hand and says.."You need to come with me" and I swear if that old guy did not shoot a dirty glance at the Judge on the way out.

I looked at his feet..he was the one pacing outside the door.

I collected my belongings, and waived to my dad to follow

We ended up in an office down the street.

"I am an ex judge here in Marion county. I work with the legal aid society, I practacally run it now that im retired, and I am going to take your case, now tell me everything.."

This is one time, I walked on the jagged hot rocks through the fire...and fate smiled...he really really smiled...

After that things were as smooth as butter on the legal end. Life..oh it's always been a struggle but whose isn't. But I needed this reminder this week..sometimes you just gotta walk through the fire...and have a little faith that fate might keep on smiling.


Almighty Heidi

Tough Angels

http://www.toughangels.com/index.html


This is a site my friend Terri put up..please go there..take a look around..let it pull your heart strings.

Heidi

The World In Color

Take me on a journey

Take my hand

Tell her you love her unconditionally


Go to the place where all the colors change

Because nothing ever stays the same


Take her far away from Grey

Grey is what she sees

Where the amount of love given

She holds her worth


Take her to the inner power

Of validation in her own self


Take her to the place of no guarantees

Where fear will not guide

But her own intuition


Because the colors

They always change


Step into the pool of reflection

allowing her to see her imperfections

let her work her way patiently through them

hold her and love her always


Lie her down in that sacred place

Of her own soul

Unclenching her hands

Away from her own vulnerability the need to protect herself

Taking away the stones she wanted to throw

Have her let go

opening up

I can finally see

all of the beautiful color.

Almighty Heidi

A Million Miles To Nowhere

Walking a million miles to nowhere

Pondering the significance of it all

Life is not written on the palms of my hands

But on my shoulders

Weighing in what has been and is going to be

Walking a million miles to nowhere

I see the past

The story of me

The places where I crumbled when I fell

And the places where I learned how to rise

Walking a million miles to nowhere

I look to the future

But the visions of behind

Blur the forward motion of discovery

Stopping for breath

I thirst for the moment

I lie and wait until it comes

Finding the beauty of today

even if ugliness taints it

balancing the fine line of fate and will

I walk without apology

Writing a new chapter

taking my first steps

in a new place

Awakening to the brilliance of now

>~Almighty Heidi

Simple Things

The other suprising side of the almighty...

1. I love my converse tennis shoes..love love love them.

2. I have a truck...it's a Ford F150 lariet king cab..black..and it kicks butt

3. Yes..I have a bit of tomboy in me, but I am still very "woman", even though..I *hate* pink...but I will wear pink for breast cancer awareness month, and to even it out, I would have to wear the converse tennis shoes too. I LOVE MY BOOBIES. I could not imagine having to cut waway at my woman-hood like that. I would to save my life, but wow..my heart goes out to all cancer suvivors.

4. Tattoo?? Why yes I do. I had wanted one for a long time, and 4 years ago on my birthday went and got one on my shoulder.

5. Piercings....no comment :)

6. The same day I got my tattoo, my x (gambling addict) for MY birtday wanted to take ME gambling..hmmmm. Very self serving. I like to play poker so I decided to enter a tournament to keep myself busy for a few hours....I came in first place against all men and won a grand...COOLEST thing ever.

7. My fathers nickname for me is Grace. I am the child that did not run with scissors..nooo I was very timid and careful but I did walk with scissors..tripped, and stabbed myself in the gut and had to be rushed to the hospital.

8. I ran into my own wall this morning.

9. I want an Army jacket..even though there are only 2 months in florida I can wear it.

10. Tattoo..another one?..absolutly..one day.

11. I am a dog person...Cats are ok i guess..litterboxes are gross..and..well I am so allergicc to cats, my face swells up like "hitch" and I can't stop sneezing, even the roof of my mouth itches, it is a terrible, terrible experience. My mom had 5 cats..ugh...and one is the spawn of satan.

12. I start lifting weights in the gym next week..I hate weights..but..I want to do chin ups like the guys do...because....well...why not?

13. I can curse like a sailor. I normally dont, but I work with all guys. I have no problem using the f-bomb.

14. Sarcastic....ohhh so sarcastic, and I have a very SICK sense of humor. Again..workking with ALL guys, there is nothing I have not heard, and it is REALLY REALLY REALLY hard to offend me with humor.


15. I will never judge ANYONE on what there love prefrences are as far as race or sex goes.I do not care if you are gay, lesbian, bi, tranny, black white, whatever... anything...to me..love is love, and we are lucky to fine "the one" no matter race or sex.



Now, I still am girly, I like to get my nails done..

Shoes? A girl can NEVER have too many

Candles, wine, hot bubble baths yes yes yes.

Love to decorate, and have mad cooking skills.

Sooooooo...

This week was a tough one..real tough. Part of what is going on is learning how to love me...who knew that woule be so difficult?

So I listed things I liked about me...and these, just made me laugh and shake my head, because when I listed them like this, I had a picture in my mine of a bad ass biker chick with a doberman...wonder if my cape would look good on a Harley...

Have a great weekend...

Almighty Heidi

Thank You

To the Almighty Family.......

For my brother in Japan who has served 19 years in the Air Force..My father who served in Vietnam, serving 11 years in the Marines.. and both my grandfathers serving in WW2 and retiring from the Airforce..THANK YOU Thank you thank you, as we celebrate veterans day and remember what you have done for us.

Thank you all you out there who have served our country.

Heidi

Crap

Just having a rough night...wish I were numb..when my hand was healing..after it was burned..they had to peel the infected skin off, it hurt..I hated it, but it had to be done so new skin would come about...My hand is hardly scarred.

It's kinda what im feeling today...the skins being peeled off and it hurts.

Working It Out

So after about 4 days of anger, I decided to get on the elliptical...I cant run anymore because of my past back surgeries..and I miss it...I got angry about that too..

So I get on the elliptical..put on my best angry workout music, and go...

I am not getting off till Im done being pissed off.

So I was on for an hour and a half..went 8 miles....I would have gone longer, but my legs..ohhhh my calves are aching...

So I cooled down.. "Are you done almighty" I asked myself.

"NOPE..still mad" said the aliens....

Damn.

The eliptical tamed the beast within for now, at least has taken away the tight ache in my soul.

Im still fighting with stuff in my head...pretty sure there is a padded room for that..maybe I will get myself a custom made straight jacket too..in pink..because I hate pink..and that will just piss me off...and I can roll around in it..in the padded room..with mystery medications that make me
see green elephants dancing...


Made myself laugh...

------->Not really psycho Almighty Heidi..(but the aliens are)

Angry Almighty

Anger

Weird how anger just creeps up on me these days. I suppose since the dust has settled, moving, surgery, illness, and now that the calm has set in…now all of a sudden..I’m just pissed off all the time...

Maybe I have created a monster. For years, i just did not allow myself to feel. Crying was a sign of weakness, other feelings had no place, because they did absolutly no good..at least that is what I told myself to get by...so this rush of emotion...oh baby as it been bottled up..and it's almost alien and I dont know what to do with it..where to catagorize it in my head, what to do with it..

All weekend, it was a beautiful..I spent some time at the park, and on the back yard with the tiki tourches..felt the breeze..the kids were fine..life was going ok..

But I am pissed…Why??

I can feel it rising from my belly, tightining to my chest, and with each breath, oozing out of my soul like poision...it feels like poision.

I had a dream last night..pissed me off, it was about my mom, leaving me with the responsibility of the husband she left, my dad. He has no one here but me, he has some health issues…I don’t know how to handle things sometimes..so I’m pissed...

My daughter emailed me today, said she’s staying with her dad..it hurts..and I hate getting hurt so..you guessed it, I am pissed.

One of my co-workers came in this morning, and started preaching on the inevitable doom of the company I work for..we all kinda feel like the end is coming, but hope it’s not, because it’s our bread and butter.

My father works for the same company, and has been here for almost 20 years…and well that worries me, and damn it what a crappy way to start a Monday..thanks for reminding me that we are all facing joblessness soon, and that I as a single provider to three teenagers, am always adressing this concern in the back of my mind, and it scares me and thanks alot you freakin asswipe for making my week untolerable already....so I am pissed...

I’m pissed at somebody who abused my trust. An apology came, but reminders of it still come around, and I can’t seem to fully let it go, and am not sure how..so im just pissed at the person, because I was hurt so terribly deep on an already beat up heart and pissed for letting my heavily guarded walls down...and why the fuck cant I seem to just move on like I always do?

I’m pissed that Christmas is coming too soon, and my finances are depleted.

I know that “This too shall pass”. I do know it is a process..most of this feeling is because of being hurt, and instead of tearing up, im just getting mad, and the more I let the mad out, the more I tear up..oh lordy Im a basket case..

Anger is flowin like a river..and honestly..oooooOOOOoooo ARGGgggggg ..and Im just cursing like a sailor..cause I can.

Almighty pissed off Heidi

Going through the motions

So today I have a job interview. It is a seasonal one, to supplement my income during the holidays, so if I get it, the next 2 and a half months I would leave my job, to go to another..in retail, ewww.

Retail during the holidays..makes me claustrophobic. *sigh*

I have mixed feelings about it. The mom in me wants to stay home and bake pumpkin spice loaves, decorate the home, and watch the Macys day parade , watch The Grinch Stole Christmas and such, but…every cent I make now goes towards bills, there is no extra to spare.

I’ve been in the spot not being able to give my kinda anything for Christmas, and I refuse to go there again, it is too heartbreaking.

So Im gonna put on my cape, and sword and do what I gotta do.

Almighty Heidi

Meet Captain Markle The Almighty Heidi

I'm not sure if I ever posted this picture before, but I love it...yeah I started out blonde, I have almost black hair now, but believe me...there's ALOT of blonde in this girl!!

This is me and my big brother Mark...we fought evil dooers, monsters, you name it we fought them..him as Captain Markle, and me as his sidekick the Almighty Heidi.

This is where the name comes from...and I guess it has sorta stuck...we also thought we were the "Wonder Twins" and Luke and Princess Leah..childhood imagination was a must back then.

We were so poor, but ya know what? We did not even understand that till years later...all of us piling into one bed to keep warm was an adventure..it wasn't because there was not any heat!

Mark is still a superhero to me, he is going into his 20th year in the Airforce, and currently serving in Japan.

I miss him very badly right now, this will be the first set of holidays he will not be visiting..feeling kinda down about that, but to keep me busy I am painting part of my home. One of the walls I already completed, now I have one more. I dont like renter white. Warm colors..make the house feel like home, ya know?

However..before I paint, Im going to drink so herbal tea, and drink a gallon of thera flu..who knew superhero's could get sick...darn.

I guess this is it for now..

Wishing you a week filled of superhero powers!

Almighty Heidi