The Wind

 Hi..yeah Im still alive. Felt the need to write today!

This is kind of sappy, but Im playing around with some digital art. Its the loss of someone you love. I thought about it as it is Thanksgiving eve and for many, holidays can be painful.  Might play around with the words some more cause I just wrote it in the past few minutes :) I will hate it in 2 hours.

I am in the wind,
In the rain, the laughter of a child,
The butterfly on the windowsill.
Beside you on the warm sunset
I have not left you
Look up,
I am in the stars
Shining light in the darkest places
Reminding you
I am still here.
When you smell my perfume
Or have a memory of me
Know it is I who is letting you know
I am ok
Open the ears of your soul and
You can hear me
Your mind and you can see me
I am in the wind….



~Almighty Heidi

Shooting Stars

I turned my world around for you

And you for me

Just a fleeting moment of gravity

just like every shooting star that goes by

It shines and sparkles as she flies

Her path is not to end

But to keep passing

why

Eyes hurting to see the traces of light left behind

Until they are gone

And my universe

Darkens

Just as it had been before

It Just Is

Hello fellow bloggers. Just a note to say the Almighty Heidi Lives. I look back on my blog from 2010 a dream I had for that new year..it had a lion in it that symbolized courage. I had no idea how much I would need that courage for following year..and year after that.

This past week I left my job, my security in these hard economic times. It was a leap of faith that had to be done. I had ate my humble pie for 2 years. I had to go back to waiting on tables and bartending to feed my family.

But my soul ached everyday to get out.
There was so much negative,
I could no longer see the positive around me any longer.
I longed to breathe.
I might have to eat some more humble pie
but at a new job it might just taste better.

Did I tell you I am going back to school full time with a heafty loan that I might not ever repay, but a 4.0 gpa?

I knew when it turned 2012 I would have a new job by my birthday.

Tommorrow is my birthday.

So this year, my year...
I choose not to live in darkenss of fear
but in the light of the unknown

I will always hunger for more
it is who I am
even though I still dont know who I am meant to be yet
but I know feel the drive twoards a purpose
every single day


Though I am sensitive, fragile of heart, and hurt easily
in reality I am tough, determined, and strong


I think I can,
and I have
or damn it
I will.

When my soul screams ENOUGH
then it is time
to move in another direction
because she has never steared me wrong

There is no failure
just a lesson
a stupid lesson that somehow
you needed to be reminded
of your own humanity
and to be sensitive to others
because they are only human too


get back up and keep moving
ther longer you stay down
the longer it takes to get back up

Dont be afraid of the dark
there are no monsters in the closet
that you have not already faced
Just turn on the damn light of your own soul


and know looking back
you will say
"I would not have changed a thing"
because it just is meant to be
It just is

Almighty Heidi

Before The Sun Goes Down

I have been lost for awhile..not writing, but felt inspired today, by a song, or a poem..whatever you want it to be

Keeping your heart close to mine

Love changes everything

this mess

Im trying my best

praying to the angels

to break down your walls

forget about our feelings

Im climbing over them

Words can never show

what Im about to do

Keep your heart close

love changed everything

this mess

trying our best

Fists against the wall

breaking it all

climbing the brokeness

tired and bruised

reaching out for you

begging to grab on

before the sun goes down

love changes everything

this mess

trying your best

stumbling in the dark

coming to rescue you

falling down

now its time

to know

the bricks

were always

mine

You keep my heart close
love does not change a thing

its not a mess

just a test

you prayed to the angels

to break down my walls

forget about hurt feelings

your climbing over them

Words can never show

what your about to do

tired and bruised

you come and rescue me.

~AlmightyHeidi

Look At The Stars

My soul aches

for things lost

for things found

It is really bittersweet,

the heaviness of today

the light of tommorrow,

but when the world slows down..

I look at the stars

Wanting more

breathing more

feeling more

I know it is there

all in the ache

of needing

you.


~Almighty Heidi

Lust

Definition:

"Pleasure, delight, wish, intense desire, intense longing, craving, enthusiasm, eagerness."

When I was younger, I was taught, that Lust was bad. Why..because the bible told me so. God himself says that is wrong.."Walk by the spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh"

It was almost like to be happy with what you were given..don't complain or your just ungrateful...so..I always tried real hard to be happy with where I was at.

Well who wants to not be gratified?

Well…
My spirit…

not the god of my childhood

says…

You are not bad because you want more

Wishing is magic
And magic is OK

Especially when it comes true.

Hoping, craving, wanting better for yourself and your family

is part of being human.

When you stop hoping, craving, wanting better,

Your spirit dies

So go ahead

Make a wish

Hope for a better future

Delight in today

Desire more, crave more,

and always long…

for something

anything

Know when the things that you hope for come true

It is what the real god wanted for you all along.

Almighty Heidi

Vision

Putting on foot in front of the other

the next step

in the timeline of my life

Mind blurring with the past

full of misdirection

The universe pushing me forth

against my will

like the birth of a child

screaming when she gets her first breath of air

in fear of the unknown

Forced to put one foot in front of the other

pitch black

seeing nothing

not knowing

up or down

left of right

my soul

telling me to follow my heart.

~Almighty Heidi

The Welcome Mat

So much has happened in the last few months, one day I will write about..but for now, here is just a snippit of my day..I just felt like writing..nothing intense, just..whatever..my own mini story of the afternoon.

Im finally moving around some things that have been sitting in awkward places after I moved in March. My father brought over a cooler that is packed with dishes…knick knacks I picked out when my mom abruptly left my dad two years ago after a high school reunion.. I vaguely remember packing them with my dad, as he told me to take anything I wanted. It was “all going in the trash anyways.”

His house was like the aftermath of a hurricane…evidence of my mom’s hoarding left behind in all the corners of the home.

I’m was not sure if I even want the dishes now, it is a reminder of once was, but my dad…brought it up four flights of stairs one Saturday, after keeping them at his house for the past two years…this was a total act of love…It is 52 steps up…FIFTY TWO….this is love, I must keep them.

The cooler was my grandparents..the only thing I have of theirs that belongs to me, because it was left behind one year and never given back I suppose. The “Coleman 64”

I remember years ago,my grandmother coming over with it filled with ham and goodies for the holidays…when she passed away, the family get together..seemed to stop..or at least they never were as they once were.

We did not know she was such a driving force in the family’s happiness. She was the glue.

Change, death, loss, they all seem to come into your life and disrupt the pattern that was comfortable, that felt..normal. It comes at once and leaves you in the aftermath of how to continue forward, because forward..is now forever changed, different….un glued.

So… now all the awkward places are cleaned up.To me cleaning is therapy..putting things back where they belong, making the dirty clean, folding, scrubbing, organizing..it is the only peace that is left in the almighty’s world. Trying to glue my life..finding the controllable..knowing where everything is…and…well honestly..to not have anything left behind in the corners of my home..hmmmm.

It is a bit sick as I find it odd that I took a mop to my front porch today…who does that…?!

While…mopping….the front porch,(who does that) ... I contemplated getting a welcome mat.

...but laughed at myself in the store thinking it should really say “Crazy lives here”..yeah that’s more like it. ..or..”You climbed 52 stairs to get here are you out of your mind?” Even my dog sounds like he needs an asthma inhaler and oxygen mask no when he comes up.

I don’t know what I was thinking when I moved..actually I do, the rent was fifty dollars less a month..which is a lot to me who has not seen child support in two years….but I would now officially sell my body, just so that I could live on the first floor .

Especially on shopping day.

That’s all I got for now J

Peace,

The Almighty Heidi

I am Mom

I loved you before I even knew you.
I rubbed my belly
wondering who you were.

I was there waiting.

I know your dad has disappeared
in the times where you really needed him.

Your innocence,

trust,

and dissapointment..

but I will show up.

I will make sure you don't live without.
You will have a roof over your head
food, and clothes on your back

to keep you safe

I might work alot,

but I will always show up when you need me.

I will be there to hold your hand when your first love breaks your heart
with a gallon of ice cream and tissues and tenderness.

When you are hurt I will find a band aid
and when there is not one big enough for the ache you feel inside,

even though you want to put up walls of armor,

to protect,

from all the monsters...

not behind the closet but

from within yourself

the voices of doubt

that replays itself

over and over in your mind,

makng you feel like less than

but I know you are more.

the world is not right

and everything seems so wrong...

I will show up
to help you through.

If you mess up along the way,
life hands you things that you can't be ready for

I will be there.

When you take a wrong turn
I will show you how tough love can be,

and wait for you,

though it hurts to my core

to come back,
and when you are ready,

I will be right here..

because I am your Mom.


Although it has not always been good and perfect,
I am waiting for you
to find out who you really are,
knowing that

I loved you before I knew you.

~Almighty Heidi Momma

And On The Seventh Day...

"Mom, please get me out of here, please take me home"
" I can't love, you are not ready yet"

and we cry

It's been seven days since I took my son to inpatient rehab.

Every fiber of my being wanted to pack my son up and take him home.

Im really really starting hate the universe. I hate having to have had being a single mom.
I hate the weight of the world which is a two ton boulder.
I hate having to work nights just to keep a roof over our head and to have my sons be alone at night, without he watchful eye of mom.

I hate hearing about other parents honor school kids, and that they went to the beach, and soon they are going to Disney World.

It makes me want to vomit.

I hate that I have had one vacation with them ever..because I always have to work.

I hate not being able to pack my son up, and take him home, and have the world be ok for all of us.

I hate that I have had three back surgeries, and lost so much time when my kids were smaller. I hate that my daughter was in an accident and still has pain, and I hate that my other son has so much anxiety it is hard for him to leave the house.

I hate that their dad just dissappeared and does not even know that mike is in rehab, and Mike would like to see him but I dont even have a phone number to call him at.

I hate feeling that I was enough
I hate all of it. Every stinking bit.

I want to throw the covers over my head and cry, but it is all still there..every stinking bit.

So I ask the universe, to get me out of this

and she replies "I cant love, your not ready yet"

and I cry.

~Almighty Heidi

The Storm

The midnight quiet darkness is broken
dangerous lightning
ghostly wind
the trees sound like ocean waves outside my window
limbs bending forcefully back and forth
angry explosions of thunder make me curl up into my blanket
I start to hear the heartbeat of the rain on my window
and feal not fear,
but peace
~Almighty Heidi


My place, my truth, myself, I feel so safe and warm, and right.

But all around me there is a storm that has been brewing.
My youngest son Michael will be going away for inpatient drug rehab.
He was caught up in his own storm.


We were all having our own crisis..
and he was the left behind lost boy
trying to find his way
his sister having alot of surgeries,
his brother having a mental breakdown
his dad..disappearing
his mom finding her own way
He found comfort solace in all the wrong things.


Our family is broken
the storm rages
my mothers soul is being forcefully bent
afraid of the dangerous lightning
I hang on to the heartbeat of this new rain
trying to understand it and
make peace for what is and what is to come.
Finding grace in grief.

~Almighty Heidi

Following The Trail Of Honey

"I don't see much sense in that," said Rabbit.
"No," said Pooh humbly, "there isn't. But there was going to be when I began it. It's just that something happened to it along the way."”


There is a place my soul has been seeking, the land of milk and honey..I have allowed myself to follow the trail of the honey to find myself..

I am happy
I am secure

though the world around me is spinning out of control,
a son that I have to seek support for,

another son I have to get a bunch of medical tests on,

a daughter who is in chronic pain,

my brother in Japan, him and his family praying against nuclear meltdown...
I should be a complete mess...

but instead..

I am just...complete.

Such a strange alien place where the trail of honey has led me...

In the darkend places there is light..

and the light is all I see.

I have so much to share...

about the places that happened along the way

~Almighty Heidi

Finding Center

I moved this past week
on my birthday

it was a re-birthday
Something I wanted to do, I needed to do
things have changed so much.
in a good..butterfly kinda way.

My new place is...zen. Warm..comforting..happy.
My favorite part is unpacking, and decorating.
I have an uncanny way of putting pictures up at the perfect height and perfectly centered, and the thought hit me..

The past year has been the most painful, suffocating, exhausting....

It has had me face my own self,and I listened to her...
I really listened to my own soul....


I have found my center
What a great re-birthay present

it is zen
warm
comfort
happy...and Im holding onto that

because..

Life is difficult
Teens with issues,
bills to pay...
Single mommy hood with alot of hours at work
and not enough at home..

But finding my own center
of peace

maybe everything else might just fall into place a bit easier



It is time for my re-birthday. I will celebrate it every day
Come with me

Live OUT LOUD

this is the life I have
and am ready to fly,
ready to live.

I am free

Almighty Heidi

P!nk - F**kin' Perfect

This says it all...great video :)

Almighty Heidi

It's been a long time

My soul aches to write, because so much has happened, but there is no time. And there are no real words yet. I guess I tend to clam up..stop talking about it..but it is all brewing on the inside..a quiet storm ...and Im starting to hear the rumbles.

I had to end a relationship.
My 19 year old daughter is moving to the Midwest, hoping she can get some better medical care being with her grandmother, since I cannot provide it.

I now have a full time bartending shift that will pay the bills but the hours keep me away from my sons at odd hours.

On top of personal drama..some of the hardest changes, decisions I have ever made as an adult, and getting the flu that wont go away.

Did I mention I'm also moving on my birthday?

Sooner or later things will settle.
Then I will be back
There is alot to write..

~Almighty Heidi

Courage

Courage: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty

A Lion is always connected to Courage…



My post 1/4/2010..is about that..

I have faced the lion now…it is beautiful..my own truth..but I did not know it till now..but my soul knew…and it is holy ground..I am the Lion...

Facing my own self...having the courage...

Here is the post:
1/04/2010

Dreaming...



What an uber cool way to bring in 2010.
New Years eve night I had the most vivid beautiful dream.

I was in Colorado, visiting my grandmother, then I decide to travel to this familiar place. I had seen it in many dreams before over the years. It was mountain that was flat at the top. I would hike there, then rest.

This time the dream continued on.
I was winding through the mountain roads.

The road I was on was actually cut through the mountain so on my left and right were towers of beautiful rock. It was spring, and life was..just..everywhere.

To my right were these huge white flowers the size of magnolia blossoms..tons of them winding up and down. I stopped and drank from the stream and the water was cool and so pure.

Then I was inside the mountian and there were etchings all allong the wall.
Ancient carvings..beautiful art.
Then I remember standing in front of the most magnificant one.
The etching was over 5 feet tall. It was of just a lions head, mane flowing.
The expression was relaxed, but confident, it's eyes were intuitive and peaceful.

I reached across and touched the stone, I almost did not want to..it was ..like ..holy ground...

I let my hands glide over the creature, the beautiful Lion...

Then I woke up in 2010.

The After Thought

The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say. ~Anaïs Nin

I hold the key

To my own prison

To unlock it

Is to open up a vein


Vulnerable bleeding


Where invisible words

Become visible


My thoughts

are truth

Dark is light
Cold is warmth
Sad is hopeful

and the world as I knew it
becomes an after thought

but
looking down

I'm still holding the key..

..and give it to you.



~Almighty Heidi

What Happens Next

What happens

when the life

that you love

does not love you back?

Today I read

"Each experience in your life was absolutely necessary

in order to have gotten you

to the next place

and the next, up until this very moment"

just for today..

I'm tired of the life lessons

Seriously

I would like a vacation from lessons please.

I'm just wanting to buy my kids Christmas presents..

maybe for Kayla to have a pain free day

a second job..so I can take care of the kids..my dad...

I just want to live life and love it

without worrying about it every moment

and maybe

just for once

have life love me back

cause I'm trying over here..

I am

so..

love me back.

~Almighty Heidi

Faith

Where has my faith gone?

The faith

Of the things unseen

Unheard

Hope...

Felt to my core

Deep down.

My soul

listening,

she begs

"Don’t stop
Never stop wanting
Needing
Yearning
Longing"



My mind steps in

Reminding me

That maybe it is easier to just settle
It's just over, it is what it is.


Lying down at the place of quitting,
or
Giving up..

I don't want to

but I can't raise my head.

So today I need you..

Borrowing your light for awhile

Your faith

Your energy

Because im so tired

I have fought for so long.

And I listen to the voice again that says

"Don’t stop.
Never stop
Never stop wanting
Needing
Yearning
Longing"

So I can get back up

and I know

as long as I am still breathing

Its not over yet.


~Almighty Heidi

She Whispers To Me

Always with her hands out

reaching

The invisible rope to more

Begging to touch it

Always out of grasp.

She whispers to me

"Let go"

"Just….let…go.. "

I’ve been holding on for so long

I forgotten how..

How to unclench my hands.

Have you forgotten

the now, the today ?

When you are trying to touch
if you are reaching what is out of your grasp….

Maybe

just maybe

if you let go

maybe…

It will come to You.

Let go.

~Almighty Heidi