Tilting of Other Planets In My Universe

Well...I am not the only one going through junk. Some are going through much more...much much more.

My father for instance. My mom left him for another man, after 40 years of marriage. Just up and left. Then just as he is starting to get the peices of his life together, just a bit..his home gets broken into yesterday and they took everything, computer, i touch, stero stuff, everything down to his wedding ring he had tucked away.

After the police left...we started picking up the cushions to the couch, putting all the drawers back in, putting matresses back in place...even though I don't live there, I felt violated for him. How dare anyone come and rummage through his stuff.....step into his world without permission.

He just looked...defeated.

I had two shots of whisky and a ciggarette.

Finally we were in the kitchen straightening up and I put my arms around him.

Dad: "Did I piss god off"

"No dad...listen to me, you did nothing wrong..you stood by mom when none of the rest of us could, and continue to love her when the rest of us cant. I don't know why this is happening to you, and of all times now..I don't know why, you don't deserve ANY of this you hear me??!!"

Then the phone rang. It was my mom...she asked if there was anything she could do. She lives with her new man 3 thousand miles away after stripping most of the house first a month ago, before the robbers.

"ANYTHING YOU CAN DO>>>ANYTHING YOU CAN DO??!!!! DONT YOU THINK YOU HAVE DONE ENOUGH!!!!!!"

And at that point..my months of silence with my mother broke...

I said a few more choice words..my dad's face got red, and he smiled...Words I know he so badly did not want to say, but he still loves her...so he can't.

Then I got off the phone *Whew* " I feel much better" and we had a laugh.

The heaviness in the air lifted for a bit, we were finding serial numbers and making lists to turn into the police.., and I left to go home...

wishing I could have done more.

Latte'

Heidi

A few years ago I would have these dreams of yelling in a room full of people, even though they were there, they all went about their business not paying any attention. I would wake up very frustrated.

I have some junk to work through...one of which is when I am hurt...I want to find the nearest hole, curl up, and crawl in it..and be left alone...it's become a learned behavior over the past several years just not to say anything. To avoid the conflict, because B would make me pay for it one way or another...mosty jut by making me miserable, and in any conversation making me feel "Less than" or not worthy, but commenting on my parenting, my lack of whatever, my looks, my horrible job as a partner..whatever. So instead of putting myself up for that...well it was just easier to sweep it all under the rug....I still do it now..just untill I can leave in July....but there is so much unsaid, so many feelings that have just left me wanting to scream...but I can't yet.

I have done the same with my family as well...chose silence.

So It leaves me with this anger...anger is such a vile nasty thing...anger has a face, I have seen it in other people and don't like it, and want to rid myself of it before it festers too much in my soul.It just sits heavily on my chest smirking at me.

I got rid of is some this morning on the elliptical...it felt good. I talked to a friend yesterday, felt even better. Apologized to someone I hurt, that was good too. But I still feel it..lingering, pacing, waiting.

I remember a few years ago, I was in so much pain from my back surgeries. there was no end in sight. Chronic pain is an every day exausting chore. I went to the beach and walked in the moonlight barefoot. A storm was comming so the wind was blowing super hard, you could barely hear the person next to you. Just out of the blue I did it. I let out the loudest scream up to the heavens my soul could possibly give...then fell to my knees letting it know..I GIVE UP, I HURT, I'M TIRED, I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE.

I need another walk on the beach...

Almighty Heidi

Tilting of My Planet

It is amazing how one..tiny shift, can upset my entire universe. It sets a ripple effect of questioning everything.

This is what I did last night. Questioned EVERYTHING.

I did not sleep, my post might not be very sane.

There was a movie I recently watched called War in seattle, or Battle in Seattle..something like that. Based on a true story of thousands of protesters, protesting the world trade orginization.

It really moved me.

Hard.

Anyways, not to go in super detail, but I was really hurt last night. Really really hurt. I am told that it is possibly a misconception of sorts, but my heart can't help what it feels. I don't trust my own judgement anymore...I'm suprised I still have a heart left ..it has been so wounded over the years.

I lie in bed and i was *pissed off* that I had all these silent tears running down my face... I hate crying, I hate feeling weak..a few months ago that would have never happened. I had ALOT of walls up. Fuck walls can be good right? They help guard against pain.

And thats when I heard the chanting.

It makes me laugh right now. In the movie, the protesters chanted in a scene..

"NOBODY IN NOBODY OUT....NOBODY IN NOBODY OUT"

If I dont let anyone in, i dont have to feel. If I don't show myself, if I just stay invisible... this is safe to.

It is a twisted way of thinking, these protective measures. We all have them.

So for today the protesters in my heart are chanting...

And then...

I have an immense amount of pent up anger I did not know was there. The Aliens are PISSED. I seriously wish I had a punching bag today. I am not a physical person, but I want to beat the shit outta something.

I am so angry at myself ...

I am angry at my mother

I am Livid in the "B" relationship

amongst other things.

And this..suprises me. "Ms. Dont rock the boat" is fucking ANGRY as hell.

Oh girl..today is a therapist day in overtime sesssion...somebody medicate me please...oh and did I mention I am dieting..I fucking want some chocolate.

Lord have mercy I just read my own blog and it scares even me. I need to find my "Happy place" now.

Latte'

Angry Almighty Heidi

Health

After batteling the flu for a very long week, I feel so blessed that I have my health. I am so thankful NOT to be chronically ill. I was in Chronic every day pain for three years with my back. Those days are so foggy, and ugly, I would not wish that on anyone.

So today I am celebrating my health espcially after starting the contest at work...and stepping on the scale. I wanted to scream...cry...rock in the fetal position under my desk..and grab the nearest captain morgan...but no...

It was a first step in....self dicipline..something I am not good at.

I did go to the gym.

Good girl. I get brownie points..without the brownie of course.

12 weeks of competion begin today. *YAY* summertime bathing suit...I will see you soon my friend...dont dissapoint me!!

So here is a list I sent my co-workers to encourgage them to join my competition (which I of course being THE Almighty Heidi will win)

I figured I would throw in the benefits of working out.

Regular exercise can...
-Help you lose weight, especially fat …like my muffin top.

-Improve your physical appearance …improves the HOTNESS factor

-Increase your level of muscular strength and endurance Women love endurance

-Maintain your resting metabolic rate to prevent weight gain …losing weight while doing nothing…nice…Bruce thinks he can do this.

-Increase your stamina and ability to do continuous work Women love stamina too...hell yeah

-Improve fitness levels, or your body's ability to use oxygen ..Last I heard we all need oxygen

-Provide protection against injury …Just take a peek at my scar…good thing I did not get a tramp stamp.

-Improve your balance and coordination …this personally will never happen for me...EVER.

-Increase bone mineral density to prevent osteoporosis …who wants a hump back?? Not me.

-Lower resting heart rate and blood pressure ….Ommmmm...

-Lower Body Mass Index (BMI), your fat to height ratio thank god for being 5’9m however…it’s no longer disguising the muffin top

-Reduce triglycerides, bad cholesterol (LDL), raises good cholesterol (HDL)

-Enhance sexual desire and performance Oh hell yeah…not that I would know, but..umm hell yeah

-Reduce heart disease risk and stroke Cause noone likes looking at you drooling out of the left side of your face, and crapping your pants cause you have no control.

-Reduce the risk of developing certain types of cancer …I love all my parts and plan to keep them in place.

-Increase insulin sensitivity, prevents type 2 diabetes Theres just nothing funny to say about diabetes…wanna doughnut?

-Reduce your level of anxiety and help you manage stress …even if it does reduce my anxiety I still love xanex.

-Improve function of the immune system .. I wish I were immune to men..maybe this will help...
-Improve your self-esteem and restore confidence I am great, and kind, and beautiful and gosh darn it people like me.

-Help you sleep better, relax, and improve mood …Oh now when have I ever been in a bad mood..*Evil grin*

*Sigh* already hungry...

Almighty Heidi Drinking a skinny Latte'

Denial

This has been a tough week of ilness, and I reallly felt better, but then got whammied last night. I have no voice, and this thing has sunk down into my lungs. It may be time to finally break down and see my doctor...but I dont want to with my one thousand five hundread dollar deductable. I hate this healthcare system...and I hate the doctors office.

In the meantime, Miss. Almighty came up with a brilliant plan at work to motivate her workouts...a contest!

So far there are only two of us, but I'm seeing at least 5. that might join. We did it a few years ago and had a blast leaving doughnuts on the other co-workers desks, and ther was alot of smack talk. ..and evil evil emails going back and forth.

However, my brilliant plan starts on Monday...and I am still sick.....great plan almighty... great plan...DUH!

The plan date was me denying that tight feeling I had in my chest yesterday.

Denial is my middle name.

Actually it is Kathleen, but..well.. ya know....

Latte'

Almighty (Denial) Heidi

Flu

Yup finally got the flu...
Achy, sweaty, fever, sore throat,stuffy head, feel like I've been run over by a train, and am the poster child for NyQuil.

Silly how as independent I am....when I feel bad..i kinda wish I had someone to take care of me. It Urks me because I don't want to feel silly, or childlike, but....would someone make me a cup of hot tea, and passs me the kleeex..and possibly start dinner so I can curl up in my bed and close my eyes for just a few minutes??

Bummer.

Latte'

Heidi

Fear

Art was not one of the blessings the universe bestowed upon me...but here is the blog for the day!!

The Black Hole

I am truly blessed when I look at the resiliance of my own spirit. My aunt once told me "Heidi, I dont know how you do it, but you get hit hard, and you just bounce back, where the rest of us just wallow in it for awhile"

But I did wallow..once...

There has been some dark spots in my life. The darkest spot was the one where I had caused the pain to others and myself, and the first and only time out could see no light. I was 16 years old and truly from the bottom of my heart..wanted to die. I wished death, I tasted it, it was in my mind all the time when I was not trying to sleep my life away...In my mind I was worthy of death and just wanted to stop hurting so bad within my own skin.I did try to die, but there was a tinsy tinsy bit of the Almighty left somewhere deep down, and she would not let me do it...even though I had already cut myself to see if it hurt, and it was not so bad..

I wish I knew how to give others the voice...the smallest of faintest whispers that gets through and says..No..wait..stop....

I have never ever felt like that since then, and hope that nobody I love ever does, or has to go through that deep dark black hole utterly alone...that is a dangerous place to be.

No, I know for the almighty this is a really deep blog. I do love to laugh and have a bit of fun, especially when it comes to making fun of people who happen to have a penis. Laughter is the best medicine of all...it shakes off the ugly of life that can get to us.

I have healed from this place, a long time ago, and can look back on it and be ok. I go back every now and then and give the 16 year old Heidi a hug...the one who I see in the picture above.

I read something today that brought back this memory. I am not ashamed of my life, this is just a very small peice of the complexities of me, that made me who I am becoming today.

Latte'

Heidi

Almighty Heidi's Pearls Of Wisdom

Never buy your son a jock strap for little league if you have never bought one before. It will lead to extreme irritation when it is two sizes too small.

Never eat Mexican food THEN go to the gym

You really should not drink all 7 shots offered to you on your birthday

When you do drink all 8 shots there will be pictures surfacing the next day and maybe a video from your “Friends”

Always knock before entering your teenage sons room

When you forget to knock, and he Yells “MOM!!” it’s too late

Before busting out laughing, or wanting to throw up, try and remember what hormones were like at 14

Ambien…never take it accidently during the day at work

Drinking red bull to counteract the effects of ambient at work only gives you heart palpitations and hallucinations.

Never go tanning the day before an important event

When you are getting ready for your best friend’s wedding, a new hair color should not be an option

You are not allowed to burn your best friend’s wedding photos of you looking like a lobster with pink streaks in your hair (supposed to be red)

Never be nice to the weird guy at the end of the bar with the mole. He will stalk you, and you will catch him taking a picture of you with his cell phone. Moley moley moley stalker freak!

If you are talking on speaker phone, you press the off button all the way before talking about the “idiot” that was just on speaker phone.

Before talking all sexy to the person that you think is your man that just called you at work, make sure he is your man and not a customer with the same first name.

Before dirty texting, make sure you entered the correct number.

Some guy named Glenn in Florida really wants to “Hook up” with me now.

Before responding to a text, make sure you respond to the correct conversation. I told my dad “That’s is so hot”

Alcohol, illegal fireworks, and rednecks do not go well together

When the field across the street catches fire, and 911 is called, and the redneck next to you blames it on the next door neighbors..maybe he should see if they are home first.

When your x wife moves in two doors down from you, find the first flight to Japan (Mark).

Ummm yess...this is all me

Latte' Heidi

Caterpillar

Last night I sat on my patio sipping coffee. The weather is beautiful and do not want to go inside...here in this little space is a cocoon of peace. I do need this spot. I feel like so much has changed, I am transforming, and sometimes, I just need to sit still and let it all just be.

Gusts of warm wind blow up from the lake onto my face, and the sun is just about to drop under the trees. It is a beautiful sunset. Dang, I should have taken a picture!! I ponder about..well...I am honestly amazed at this strange feeling I have in my soul. Life can really throw alot at ya sometimes...but strangely..for today, I am calm, and feel...grateful... I am grateful for my life, I love and adore my children and friends and look forward to the future..I want to hold onto it, just for awhile....I want to savor it. ahhhhhh.

....At till I walk inside the home, and the dog peed on the floor, and the boys are fighting, and Kayla needs money for this or that, and I run into the pipe thats sticking out in the garage AGAIN....and Winston Churchill the pug finds the toilet paper again and unravels it all over the house while running with it in his mouth JOYFULLY prancing while I am chasing and yelling at him, and I find the 40000,ooo feather on the floor from my comforter..the feathers just keep apperaring even though I have vaccummed a thousand times. ..all while burning dinner for the third time this week....and accidentally bleaching my absolute FAVORITE shirt, then climbing on the elliptical for some self tourture, and finishing up the night with a load of dishes, scraping the burnt crap off the pan to no avail..

So for now..peace....later....a glass of wine..or two..or three...and a steaming hot bath.

Latte'

Heidi the grateful one.

Spring Fever

Last night I dreamt of making blueberry sauce to put over my yogurt or cottage cheese this morning. Ohh feeling saucy. Hahaha. I woke up almost expecting it to be made in the kitchen. Bummer. I will make it tonight though…it was delicious in the dream. Amazing how we can taste smell, feel, and whatnot in dreams. Very cool.

I also had a dream a male peacock was chasing me? He was a meanie…trying nip at me. (ok, I could say something vulgar here..but I am holding back)

The weather has changed and it has given me spring fever. The flowers are blooming, the birds are out everywhere, the breeze is blowing up off the lake.....Ughh I got it bad. It is in the 70’s and I just want to be outside…all the time. I feel like a caged bird.I just wanna go ouuttttttsiiiddeee. I wish I at least had a window at work…. *Wahhh* Right about now I need towin the lottery so I no longer have to work, and can be irresponsible for awhile..and take off and go to the beach...and find a cabana boy to bring me drinks and...oh damn there I go daydreaming again.

The flu and mono have made it to everyone in my household now.. everyone but me. I am hoping to avoid it….washing my hands like I have OCD and cleaning everything. Nathan called me from school today with a fever. He and B are the last ones to get it…and with this, it is a virus, so it just has to run its course. I did find that Kayla felt better with some Epsom salts and I have some lavender I put in that made her feel better...well at least she smelled better anyways. HA! This flu makes the muscles just ache..everyone just felt like they were run over by a bus...again...I DO NOT WANT TO GET SICK, but the odds..are stacking up against me.

I have a new follower..Lisa. YAY!!! I found her by accident and became a fan. I think Lisa is a unique individual with the strong heart of a woman. I believe we all connect with each other on purpose. I hope you take a second out to read her blog. I have enjoyed it very much.
Well, nothing much to talk about, or make fun of today....so..im done rambling for now.

Latte’
Heidi

Dreams

Well, Like I said in my previous posts, I am sleeping, and sleeping well. Of course..as always I am dreaming, everynight vividly and taking care of business with the inner Heidi.

However...I'm not sure if it's the spurt of warm weather that came along today, general boredom of my job, but I keep daydreaming. I do longgg to be outside.

Heidi is in her own world...alot..my focus just aint here.or there, I don't know where I put that darn focus thingy....the aliens in my brain are wandering into other far away lands..avoiding the mundane.

I got in trouble ALOT as a kid for this, so this is where I learned to doodle on my papers when we were supposed to be taking notes...but I was listning..while doodling while daydreaming. I was also the weird kid who was saving catterpillars from their imminent death on the play ground, catching fireflys to watch them glow, and let them go before my brother would cut off their butts...for the ones who did not make it...I had a bug funeral...I still have issues even thinking about when my fish dies..theres too much guilt about the whole burial by toilet...

It's part of me I suppose...so I of course, decided I had to look daydreaming scientifically.

Found out that the guy who developed the "Sticky note" did so while day dreaming in church. He was getting irritated with all the notes not sticking in his hymnal, and falling out when he had to find a certain song in the church choir...so he thought what if I made something that stuck.

Niceeeeeeeee daydream *Chi ching*..Now why dont I get day dreams like that..then I heard the little alien monger in my head say "Maybe you just are not listening" I hate it when they are right. Grrr.

Mr. Einstein..my favorite person to study and read about..BIG time day dreamer, and most brilliant man...EVER..came up with his super uber kewl ideas while in la la land.

Hmmm Maybe..*IM BRILLIANT*!!!! Tell THAT to my third grade teacher, the one who pulled my ear for not paying attention.

Nawww..the "im brilliant" thought was good for a sec though.

Scientists have proved that lala land is crucial to our creative thought process...so we can think..outside of the box...and many times project our thoughts and emotions into the future...if given any situation..thus WWAHD.. "What would the almighty Heidi do"?

Then I read this part" It's very important to realize when you need to focus. If you are at a traffic light you dont want your mind to wantder off and run a red light"

Hmmmm..noooo...duhhhh

Both dreaming while awake, and dreaming while asleep, I have had my best ideas, and some of the best ways to settle conflict as well. Last night, however, i did not settle the conflict outside of my dream, but just giving Kaylas Doctor a peice of my mind in my dream...well I got some of the pent up emotion off my chest. Also...for some reason..had a great recipie in my mind using the rest of the fresh sage leaves I got from the market. I will try tonight...this was part of my daydreaming today...the sage..yum...oh oh and thyme.

I even got my idea for my last apartment, what color to paint it, and it was the best color EVER.

We all have the sleeping stress dreams, being chased, or mine for awhile was war on our land, and tidal wave dreams..thats when I knew I was stressed to the max. Have not had those in while.

Then there was midgets...in green pantyhose....well maybe not all dreams have meaning....

Sleep well my blog followers...

Almighty *Yawn* Heidi

Strength

I had a dream last night. It was very self explanatory to my situation..and pulled no symbolc strings. This is the way it is and has been. I woke up and muttered "I know"...and had to deal with myself this morning..yes..before coffee. Never a good mixture...

Yesterday as I was writing my blog I had two images in my minds eye, one of a warrior, and one of a lion. The Lion was much the same as in the warrior image. Pacing...slowly..back

and forth..

sitting..patiently..

watching....waiting....

Well you can see my blog has been updated a little bit. No quite a makeover, just a bit of tweaking.

I am still sleeping like a baby, that is untill my pugs last night decide that I must give off the most natural heat on my head...so imagine me..with not one but two pugs on my head. I wish I was awake enough to have had my camera.

And my 5 am workouts...im a slacker...it's been too damn cold out..yes In Florida..30 degrees in the am..we are not accustumed to that and I think we should have been allowed a "snow day" to stay home under the covers all day....I wil talk to Obama about that..to put it in his new stimulus plan somehow....Yes..I am a big baby and would never make it in the colder states..soooo

On march first...god said..let there be Almighty Heidi..and there I was born in Hawaii..in a pink hospital. It is very fitting..warm and girly...

I love warmth...I miss it...untill August..then I want cold again...*Sigh*

Now I am just rambling...

Aloha

Almighty Heidi

My Truth

My truth is remembering who I am, and what I beleive in. The inner Almighty Heidi goddess of fighting for right, and stomping what is wrong. The Heidi who is fair and asks the universe for answers when there are none. Remembering the child inside and letter her out to play every now and then...and telling the adult Heidi to no longer turn the other cheek.

Yeah, Im having a moment today.

Today Kayla and I went to the doctor. Mind you she just had a massive injury in October...she broke her back. She is no longer in school...and now will have to get her GED. Kayla knows she will miss prom..graduation..the works all girls look forward too. She has type a flu AND Mono...and is just sick and tired of hurting all the time. I can't find a pain management doc to treat her because she is a minor. I held her hand and told her "Im not sure why you are going through all of this...but surley somewhere we WILL find the silver lining"

And I take a deep breath and ask the universe to help,because I cant fix her. I buy a favorite breakfast of hers, cause that is all I can do to make it better...and hot tea..because for some reason hot tea makes everything better.

I watch my father click "Send". An email to my mother saying" You left me after 40 years of marriage...and you want to be my friend. You say you love me, and it just continues to hurt me. In order to move forward, I must ask that you no longer contact me becasue it hurts too much"

And tears roll down his face...and I ask the universe to heal his heart..because I dont know how to help.

I bite my tounge every day..waiting to quietly leave. This morning I am greeted with bags of trash at the door to our garage. B's reminder to me that the trash was not taken out...so he threw the bags at the garage door....for me to clean up.

I feel like a warriror..sword drawn..but the orders are not given to fight...just to watch the massacre....completly helpless. This will have an end..and a new begginning..but for now...

I wait.....drinking hot tea...and the inner goddess warrior sits restless pacing for some orders.

Heidi

From A to Zen...

I had a good birthday yesterday. It was kind of a birthday weekend. I spoiled myself and took Friday off so I could sleep in...and I made dinner for my father yesterday. I did not mind cooking, in fact it was nice cooking for someone who appreciated it. He has been super lonely and a bit lost since my mom left him. We had Chicken breasts stuffed with spinach, mushrooms, onion, garlic, fresh sage, asiago, parmesean, and mozerella cheeses..and sourcream. Then I topped off the floured chicken with paprika and pesto. It came out of the oven warm and bubbly and I doused it with a cream mushroom garlic sauce. Then I chopped some red potatoes, and seasoned them as well, alon with some fresh picked green beans wiht my own special Heidi touch. It was an ALMIGHTY dinner, and devoured up... I love to cook, but only when I have time to take the time too cook, which is mainly the weekends.

Oh...and it did not make anyone sick....he he he..this is a good sign, unlike Saturday nights egg rolls..What is it about Chineese food that tastes so good going down, but 15 minutes later I lie in bed in misery cursing "Number 1 Chineese Food" around the corner??!!!!

There was a downside to my weekend that I am having trouble with. My best friend Mary and her husband have lost their home. Scott lost his job, and they are about to lose the apartment they live in. Mary confided in me that a few years back B Borrowed 7k from them..7 k!!!!!, and they really could use that money now.

WTF!!!!

What do you say to that? And yeah..he gambled it away I am sure.

So I had to say, please dont hold me accountable for the sins of b...I really had nothing to do with it, and that is between your husband and him, but I would talk to B.

And I felt like I was leaving them high and dry...and I hope I did not lose a friend..b cost me a friendship I am sure.

So as these moments where the lights fall on the shadows of what is and what was..I am letting go...very easily now. I held on tight for a long time, but there is nothing but ugly left, and ugly gets uglier...

Oh and my b day..not a birthday wish..nor card..fron b but he did buy himself 250 worth of clothes...I am glad I am leaving. I want to turn the page..but have to wait a bit more patiently.

There is nothing left to do..but go into a padded room..and scream..while being spoonfed lithim and prozac...I'm a worrier..I Love to worry...but for the past year, the obsessive inner worrier has been getting quieter and quieter..I dont hear alot from her these days...interesting.

So again... I let go...knowing that somehow in it's own way, it will take care of itself..and I take care of me, and myself...I choose to see the light at the end of the tunnel and this is what I am learning to do...from A-Z in every aspect of my life, when I thought about it this morning..by the time I get to z... if I can get that far...well it will be zen..my own enlightenment thus the title...

*Chants*

OhmmmmmmHeidiheidihoOhhmmmm Heidiheidiheidiho....

He he he

Almighty Heidi Master of all that is withZen