New Years Resolutions 2009

Ok, here it is...resolutions 2009. I have decided that this year sucked big giant gopher balls. So why put undue pressure on myself on things that I the Almighy Heidi cannot control.
Here are the things that I know I am capable of doing..and will continue this year.

1. I will continue my collection of forgotten about 1/2 drunk coffee mugs in my office, and gross myself out when I see an array of green fuzzy mold growth.

2. Obsessive pen chewing..can't stop, therfore I wont.

3. Write out grocery lists...and leave them at home.

4. Get pretty lit up every other Friday when the kids go to their dad's. This is a must to keep my sanity..*Yay*

5. Umm drunk dial..text..or facebook...Refer to #4.

6. Possibly use my gym membership.

7. Leave Bruce. He's a prick...thus #8.

8. Move when my lease is up. (I HATE moving)

9. Helloooo shoe shopping. I am a female ya know.

10. Continue with my chap stick additicion ritual.

Figuring out the aliens in my head...

The last few days have been absolute pure relaxation..and I have slept, which is huge!! The kids have been with grandparents or parents, so there has been no responsibility, which has been nice. I have been thinking about my New Years resolutions..have not made a list yet...but have thought about a few things.

There are so many things coming at me, expected and unexpected, and my own emotions have done nothing but suprise me. A bunch of Alien emotions and actions that I am confused by. I thought I had me all figured out. Damn....

On another note....this is actually kind of funny..and sad, but heck I will share. About 4 months ago I asked B why..welll..why we didn't Bow chickie wow wow anymore...ha! And his response was that I had gained weight and it just was not the same.

To all you guys out there..if your signifigant other has 3 back surgeries, and can no longer run the 5k,,you might wanna cut her a little slack...not to mention...did I say THREE surgeries, about 10 epidurals full of f'ing steroids.....

1. I am NOT fat...however this crushed any self esteem I had left, and....well the final straw to any relationship that we had left. Hahahah i am leaving you..you selfish son of a bitch.

2. Fuck you.

I think that about says it, so for christmas he gives me a gym membership......My boss and close friend wanted to punch him in the nose.

Well, I am looking forward to going to the gym, I am sooo sick of the treadmill downstairs...but please refer back to #1 and#2.

The craziest emotion of all..is the more I dont want love in my life, the more i want it. Grrrrr.
Stupid humanity....stupid emotions. Damn.

That is it for now....

Latte
Heidi

Getting a bit..Mushy??

Ok..I read this..and wanted to save it..so what a better place to save it here..in my very own spot on the net.

"How come....when I'm with you Ifeel like I am holding my breath, and takeing a deep breath all at the same time...and when I close my eyes, I see you..."



"Because I am breathing you into my soul and breathing myself into yours....and because I'm holding you in my thoughts so firmly that you can see me in your own."

Ok..some may just have a moment of throwing up in their mouth...but..it's sooo

ROMANTIC

ohhhhhhhh the mush side of Almighty comes out...

This is the stuff Lifetime networks made of:) Ha!

Hope you all had a great Christmas~~

Ho Ho Ho

http://www.noradsanta.org/en/track3d.html

Ok…we could not track Santa by Google earth when we were little..how cool is that!!!

When I was a little girl, my grandparents made a surprise visit to us in North Carolina from New York. My parents were dirt poor, had no oil in the funrnace, no food..no Christmas tree. Grandma and grandpa walked in the house, looked around, and walked back out. They came back with tons of food, presents, filled the oil tank so our house became warm... and in the back of the car was a beautiful tree..and all the ornaments to hang.

My grandmother just would not have it any other way...as I grew up I came to appreciate her giving spirit, and want to model myself after that.

That night knowing we had presents it was soo hard to sleep, and the excitement was beyond butterflies in the stomach. Just about that time, my grandfather, and dad went outside, got and the roof..jingled some bells, stomped around and started yelling..HOHOHO..

OH my god it’s santa..please let me go to sleep, please let me go to sleep..i really really really really really really want my presents I have been a good girl. I was truly stressing out...I heard he didnt come to those who were not asleep...

Here are to those Christmas miracles I will never forget growing up, and the things that made it so special…and here’s to my grandfather..the reindeer stomper, who is celebrating his 90th birthday ..on Christmas day…and he was born in Bethlehem (seriously)…Pennsylvania that is.

Heidi HO HO HO

Twisted

The kids are only on day one from being off from school and already are driving each other CRAZY. Nathan had entirely too much sugar in his system or something, but he was so hyper. He and his brother started wrestling each other on the floor. This is a guy bonding ritual I just do not understand. Finally there was some smack talk that went between them.

Nate “You’re a wuss”

Mike” You’re a retard”

Nate” You smell like ass” right about this time I was jumping up telling them to knock it off and stop cursing, which I can’t stand…but then Michael had to put one more in there

“Your ADOPTED and NOBODY LOVES YOU!”

What is up with my kids, first Kayla now Michael.

However, that did make Nathan laugh and just as the wrestling was going to develop in a fight they were both on the floor laughing.

I had to put in my two sense..”Out of three million sperm you guys are the ones who made it”
Then they went eww and just kept rolling on the floor laughing…me along with them.

Yeah..we are not normal..yeah we have a sick sense of humor…but…that’s amore’ in my family.
Blessings!

Almighty Heidi

The Eldest Alien Child

Sundays the house is filled with the smell of whatever is cooking on the slow cooker. We had BBQ pulled pork and cornbread. I made some fresh green beans and alfredo noodles. The house smelled so yummy all day, and my stomach was growling like a bear. I had done so much cleaning and shopping all day long, I was looking forward to a peaceful dinner and a glass of wine…and a hot bubble bath. Turned out I did not have any wine, and was too tired to go to the store…so settled for some hot coffee instead...not the same, but still good out on the porch on a BEAUTIFUL evening.

Sundays I tend to think a little too much about life, and what’s going on with me, and although sometimes that can be good, it is a rough road sometimes take a hard honest look at everything.
I was just starting to feel like total crap about myself then….


My daughter said "I figured something out today”

“What” I asked her

“You ARE my REAL mom.” She said very seriously, then left the room.


Huh?

It was so out of the blue, and utterly silly that it had me rolling..and tears started to come out of my eyes. I do need to ask her later now that I think of it where she thinks that she might have come from…I know I used to pretend I was adopted, but I did not like my mom. Ha!

Ok Kayla…have another pain pill.

My kids are goofy, and just in the midst of feeling bad about myself, or working through my issues, these silly little things just make me smile…and bring me back to sanity...the sanity of living just for today..taking todays gifts, and loving the simple joy.

Almighty Heidi

Got Beer?

I despise shopping in walmart. I would rather go to Target, but my lack of funds this year took me to this dreaded pit where all the peophiles and overbearing mothers live. Seriously..have you ever looked around at a walmart..people there scare me.
So I finally got my Christmas tree...it is beautiful. I am standing in line with it, and there is a man in the next isle..looking at me and my basket of Christmas, and he said with a sad tone.."Yeah..we just got our tree too" I was not depressed about it, I was actually feelin kinda cheerful. He looked pitiful, the economy has him by the balls to. But as I was starting to feel sorry for him, I notice he is wearing a pair of battery operated reindeer antlers that are swaying back and forth on his head, and then his shirt. The shirt was a dirty white, with his big ol gut sticking out, and written in black was "GOT BEER?"
I could not help but chuckle to myself.

Then as I am standing in line at the checkout, with a dozen people behing me, the walmart lady says, "Would you like to apply for a Walmart Credit Card" I politly said no and she asked again, this time telling me I could save 20 off my purchase. I thought for a second..hmm twenty dollars. The guy behind me must have felt my thought, because him and the dozen others behind me were giving me the "eye". which meant, DONT YOU DARE FILL OUT THE CREDIT FORM AND MAKE US WAIT ANOTHER 30 MINUTES IN LINE.

So I told the lady again "No thank you"

Howver the Evil Almighty Heidi wanted to say es..just to see the reaction of the people behind me.

Woo hhahahahhaa.

Heidi

I cant sleep

It is 1 am and i cant freggin sleep..gotta be up at 6.....ughhhhh

Simple Minds......

I am having a hard day. This morning, talking with my dad, he is still heartbroken over my mom, and tearful. It hurts me to watch.

I learned I have to sign Kayla up for homeschool, due to her absences…It is ok, but tough for her. She just wants to get better..and I can’t make it all better. This is beyond the Almighty Heidi’s super powers, and it hurts.

Finally a big hurt over something stupid…I will tell you the story. B and I SEVERAL months ago had a thing where we had to go to a conference for his work. That evening he invited all his buddies to come play poker. One of the buddies left his nice sport jacket in our room. I kept it, cleaned it, and accidentally had it in our closet this whole time. I found it the other day going through my clothes trying to find something other than black to wear (it is my mood).

I told king B about it in conversation. At first the conversation was accusing… like I had DONE something with his friend. Yeah whatever buddy.

Yesterday he asked where the Jacket was. I said I would go and get it, but forgot as I was rushing for work.

This morning I saw it,I grabbed it, and laid it on the bed. “Here’s kevins jacket you asked about yesterday”

B: “Why are you laying it on the bed, what am I supposed to do with that?” In a very rude tone that took me off guard.

So I quietly took the jacket and hung it back up and left for work...Miffed.. trying to process what just happened.

Later when he called about something I just had to go there.

“You were really a dick about the jacket this morning; I was just trying to help”

B: “Well that is just your simple minded way of looking at things”

WTF????

Then he said he was sorry. Wow.

As trying to explain the situation, he said..forget the apology, I take it back..and hung up.

WTF??

Surly somehow I pissed him off and I will pay for it all week somehow or another. In my mind I started a bonfire, and thre the jacket in it...

Today can end. This year can end.I want to go to bed, crawl under my covers, and sleep until tomorrow.
I hate to take everything so personally,over a stupin fucking jacket.... and feel hurt..but am am..just one big tearful ball of hurt....damn Ihate days like this. I don't wanna feel hurt..so Almighty Heidi has to put up her super sheild..and hopes everything bounces off. I can't beleive I let it down. Then I have to put on the invisable cloak..walk around invisible, as if I don't matter:(..so as not to start shit...just a bit longer..just awhile longer.

Tryin to download my emergency back up superpowers...


Heidi

This..is for my buddy foam..and only she will "Get It"

Taking Joy In The Small Things

Update for my daughter we saw a new spine specialist that wanted to put Kayla in a brace that is like a cast that was specially molded for her back. I t is depressing for her because she is at her wits end with pain, and I am too. No surgery for at least 3 months..

This weekend was enjoyable for me, with a few bumps along the road. I told B last night I need to take the kids to see the lights at a local park. We live around the corner and have never gone, we drive by and go ooohh and ahhh, but that is about it. Silly actually. I know my kids would go, I just forget it is there. B says that my kids are not little anymore. Call me crazy, but I still have the 7 year old Almighty Heidi who flys around in her cape and underoo’s, that would love to go see the lights…and so would the kids, and umm..yeah..they are still kids.

So Stupid bastard B starting today has given me what I call a “pay cut”, since I am his maid and cook, and I suppose I am not up to par.Funny how my entire paycheck goes to pay the bills, but he keeps several hundred if not a few thousand to himself.. it’s so wrong on soo many levels.I have not been able to buy a tree yet, or any Christmas presents. He has decided since the kids broke a picture in the house accidently by closing the refrigerator door to hard, thus the wall next to it shook, and the picture fell..that that should be there Christmas present….and this is perfectly ok in his world.

He sees nothing wrong with this…
It is one thing to think it, but to do it?

I was going to wait till July to leave, but I think as soon as my income tax check goes, I might have to skip town. I need to have a lawyer look at my lease first and see how much I would be liable for breaking it, usually its around 1 month to a month and a half. I just don’t know, but the guy is trying to break me, to make me see things his way,but when my kids are involved, all bets are out the window.

Fucker.

So untill then I am going to take joy in the little things, like seeing the lights with my kids...and know that we do matter...and we are worht more than this.


Almighty Heidi aka soon to be escapee

The Hillbilly Planet

So tomorrow I get the joy of my x husband coming down to go to Kayla’s surgery appointment.

I would rather sit in a pit of poisonous rattlesnakes.

Mind you, we get along…I just don’t like small talk with him…he’s well…dumb. I mean really..there is no intelligent conversation you can have with him. I’m not trying to be mean…really.

He comes from the redneck country planet of the apes called Ocala..which we here in the city like to call Sllooww-callla. Everyone talks real slow and with a drawl. His whole family are guinuine 100 percent, grade A certified rednecks. They think it is funny to be drunk and shoot firearms, and get drunk some more, and fist fights with each other, and who can pee the longest. It's also common to do the crushing beer can to the forehead trick, that is (cynical) oh so funny to watch over, and over...and over again..at every get together.

I am not lying..we were at his best friends wedding..also rednecks, and out of the back row you could hear this Psssssssstt sound..

Oh yes..the sound of a cold brewsky..

opening up....

in a church..

in the middle of the ceremony.

Now I was 17 when I met him so you have to cut me a little slack…at 17 I thoughtall of this was funny. At 35 I think maybe it’s time to grow up..but it truly is a way of life and some warped gene transferrred from one generation to the other. Luckily my daughter can't stand the lifestyle either.

Now when Kayla does have the dreaded back surgery, I know ALL of the family..his five brothers and sisters, and all of their kids, and their kids- kids (because they are all getting pregnant at 15) and grandparents will come down. Even though they have not called to see how my daughter (MY DAUGHTER) has been doing since her accident, and her dad sees her once maybe twice a year and does not call…at all.

It is common in that household to make yourself feel good, by showing up unexpectedly (and empty handed) at any wedding, funeral, or hospitalization unannounced…and even at the birth of my son Nathan, Kenny did indeed show up drunk and flirt with my nurse, kept trying to look down her shirt and grab her ass

until in the middle of the contraction I had a moment..

in a satanic like

low growling voice

I said *Get the fuck out of my room*,

and thus that was my poor sons birth into this world, and Kenny never was to be seen again..

It is going to be like the Beverly Hillbilly reunion. I THINK I MIGHT THROW UP.
If anyone has ideas to help me through this, I will take them.

Almighty Heidi (Yee-Haw)

Bad Day

Today is a bad day. I wish it would go away. I wish this f'ing year would end.

Not so almighty

The Aliens Are Addicts

This past few weeks have been so up and down and all around, I am a bit dizy from it all. What’s a girl to do with all this stress…Well eat chocolate of course. Yum, so I indulged in some M&M’s this morning, that with a multivitamin, made it the breakfast of choice. Why the heck not, life has been pretty suckie, so, in making myself feel better..that is my excuse. It is better to eat M&M’s than to chew on my pens at work. They are all pretty nasty, but it does keep my coworkers away from my pen stash. They are scarce around here, and they always know which ones are mine.


Also this weekend I had..oh..yes..a cinnamon dolche grande non fat latte, no whip.


I have not been to starbucks in months..it was like crack to a crack whore. I was in heaven.


I also colored my hair, which is one of my favorite addictions (Hey can’t let all the hotties know I have some grey hair, that is why I think GOD himself invented hair color).

Speaking of addictions, I have another one…chap stick..oh baby my lips BURN!! This morning, with the cold weather, the aliens in my brain were saying *chap stick chapstick..go get some chap stick*I have no more chapstick left. Now when I wet my lips…it burns, it burns...ugggh. So I actually left work at lunch to get some relief in a cherry flavored tube of my new addiction…ahhhhhh…much better.

So now with all my addictions taken care of..oh and yes I had a Captain Morgan and coke last night, just to chill…yo ho ho and a bottle of Yum!!!


Ok, where was I, Oh yes, now that all my addictions were taken care of..all at once this weekend, you might be saying, *sheesh*, she went on a bender, what happened to her?


Haircoloring, m&m eating, star-cracking, captain morgan-ing, pen chewing and chap stick…woW!


Well Imagine if you had a significant other. And you shared the bills. And then he said..well I have decided since I cant find my hairspray, that I am deducting over half the amount he contributes (which aint enough)a month from the money that he puts twoards the bills (which includes his car and insurance yadda yadda. I pay all the bills, I get the stress of it all.

Yup…right during Christmas, as if to punish me. lLke I am a child!!! Forcing me to get a second job, and knowing I was on my way out to get a Christmas tree, that now I could not get. What a dick head.


Sooo after a few hours he said he did not really mean it…he just wanted to forth a point, that he is upset that he had to get his socks out of the dryer that morning, and then he could not find the hairspray..and oh my god..he had a spot on his nike shirt….2 year old tantrum…shit happens man..



I did not put up a tree yet, I just wrapped the lights around the porch. I am not sure what he is and isn’t going to do, so I just sit still and wait...and still trying to be "festive" for the kids.





Also my daughter was in such bad pain this weekend. She cant walk anymore, and she is trying to tough it out until her appointment on Thursday. I think they are going to admit her that day for pain control and go ahead and do the surgery as well. I have already started laundering her pajamas and socks. My mom instinct is rarely wrong. I gave my boss a heads up too that I might be out of work a week. (And no more vacation days left..thats wonDERful). (But I would miss a year of work for my daughter if I had too)


Meanwhile B knew I had to miss a week of work in October due to my daughters accident..and even though ihe makes a shitload of money..do you think he might offer to help with my lack of funds that month...don't be silly..silly people.

So to make myself feel better about the whole B situation I have come up with some ideas..I am thinking of putting blue dye in his hairspray bottle..that would be fun. All his grey hairs..ooops blue, how’d that happen, Silly me..I didn’t mean it?


Also he is allergic to cats, so Im thinking of taking his underware to my parents home, they have 6 cats, and rubbing his pretty panties all over the kitties, so he’d have to scratch his crotch all day at work…Ohh funny..I like that one…. ok I am sooo doing this and posting pictures.. of the cats..(not the crotch, it is not that interesting anyways) with underware..

Woohahahhahahaha!!!!

latte'


Heidi

Just Live Your Life.......

Well, today at lunch I got my ol' handy dandy bill book out. Started paying some bills and looking twoards the future, instead of trippin up looking behind me.

The Almighty Heidi has a tough tough plan that I wanted to put in effect, but could not because of my third, and last back surgery. Now that I am strong, and all better..I can start to see through the fog.

I have been struggling soooo long in a very sick relationship of give and take. I give..he takes...and takes..and takes. There are so many stories..but I'm done looking back, feelin sorry for myself. And when I made this..change in my heart..I deserve..better, I strangley was ok with all of this. A lightswitch finally went off..and wow.

The countdown is 7-8months due to a very expensive lease, and some other things that I need to take care of finacially..so I have to be very secretive, which I hate.
I told a freind today, it's like getting ready for a birth of a new child. The expectation, getting the room prepared, the excitement....

Well, I am preparing. I put little bit extra in my savings today..went over the bills I gotta take care of with my tax return next year...budget out the cost of a new place, the move...and I was freaked out that he might take all my stuff..well..honestly..I don't care anymore. Take my stuff..take it all, because

I have this familiar feeling..it will all work itself out and it's gonna be ok.


Hey..and I might start sellin this!

Set up a pay pal account for my own "New Improved 2009 Model " of the

Almighty Heidi....ohhh she has even more super power gadgets this year...

The
"I'm not gonna take any more shit from you disolver gun"

And the: "Yeah...I can walk on water if you want me to, but I'm not gonna, cause I don't have to boots"

Finally:

"Oh, I know you did not just put me down and emotionally try and kill my spirit..PENIS ZAPPER!!"


Wow!!

(Only 19.95 comes with a set of free Ginsu knives that can cut through a coke can..and a tomato, and possibly a penis but i have not tried yet)


Latte'

Heidi

Happy happy joy joy

It finally happened..happiness. Lots of happiness. Maybe it is like a mania..maybe I have bipolar stuff…nahhhh….

Not sure where it came from, maybe because I am sleeping, working out again, got the walls down and started working on myself, but it make sense. I feel good.

Jamming out to Feelin’ Alright by Joe Cocker

Thank you Thank you Thank you to the Almighty Heidi Warrior goddess who pulled me out of my FuNk.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhh. I hate feeling blue, and down, and luckily for me it does not last too long. Just spats every now and then that I end up blogging about. Mind you I am still leavin’ what’s his name, and life is still hard..but today..I’m baking cookies gosh darn it…yeah..cookies..so there.



So this morning I was sharing the story about my daughter getting the cell phone picture of some kids enormous sized yahoo on her phone. Yeah, I am still on that. It’s is so wrong, therefore I must tell my friends, and blog about it.

Who said I was normal?

It reminded me about a story about 6 months ago or so. My sons had bunk beds and shared a room, with an adjoining bathroom.

My youngest and I are in a habit of every day after work sitting on the back porch and talking for a few minutes before I start dinner, while I have a cup of coffee.

One day Michael comes over to me. He has a look on his face, he is in another world.


“What’s the matter Michael?”

“Wellll, I was wondering something”

“Go ahead..shoot!” I told him.

I am not sure if this gave him the ultimate permission to ask, if he feels comfortable talking with me with these things or what, but he had a gleam in his eye, a smile, and a look of concern all at the same time.

“Well….you know Nate and I share a room..and well, I’ve accidently seen the wrong part of him a couple of time when he’s gone to the bathroom, or gotten dressed”

Oh lord…."Ok…….” I said

“Well..let’s just say..Nathan is HUGE, it’s like ..well like... an ANACONDA!!”

I busted out laughing, and wanted to sanitize my ears all at the same time.

“He IS mom I swear, and..I umm…I am the size of let’s say…a garden snake”

I am trying not to laugh but by this time there are tears……lots and lots of tears...rolling..

“When I hit..ya know..puberty that is all gonna change right?”

“Well Michael..some become anacondas…some stay garden snakes..but you still have a lot of time to…..grow”

Thought I would share that one for a good laugh

Latte’
Heidi

You've got mail...(and it will change you)

Yesterday I had a nice surprise in the mail. Amidst my overdue bills…my college transcripts from 2000. I only spent a year, but for over 800credit hours..I had a 3.83 gpa??

I had to look again.

4.0 in every class but one????

I am not sure how I overlooked this. All I remember is waitressing, bringing flash cards to work with me, …and trying to make anatomy and physiology into an interesting bedtime story for Michael (Who was 4 at the time)….struggling through the grind of life.


So I had a little happy dance (it’s kinda like the chicken dance, but with an Almighty Heidi flair ha!), I showed my kids..look Mom IS SMART..they rolled their eyes..and I had a moment to myself where I actually….. cried? WTF? I was not sure why I was crying and it really took me off guard.

No there won’t be a video of the happy chicken dance….


I hate crying. I really do…really.To me in my own life it shows vulnerability and weakness. Silly thing is I don’t think that about others. You are allowed to let it all out…me never. Why? Now for one, I know it is not the best look. My eyes get all puffy and sunken in at the same time, my face looks like a punching back, with a big red nose..it just is not a very pretty thing.


No pics of punching bag face either….


So now I am up on the treadmill trying to sort this out. I have been an emotional mess the past few weeks..and burying it all away this time does not seem to be working well for me damn-it. I am an emotional roller coaster, and It’s just not who I am….fuck!


I was not sure why I was crying and it really took me off guard.

So I worked through it…up hill all the way so I could come to some conclusion. The walls of the Almighty Heidi were not to come down easily. It took at least 30 minutes and some hard core sweat before I would allow myself a glimpse within myself of what was going on.

Nope..no pictures of me sweatin on the treadmill either..it’s really not that pretty.

Then after a lot of soul searching..I figured it out. This is the hard part for me to write. I don’t like blaming and pointing fingers..the basis of my emotional mess is somebody elses fault. I can’t believe that.
We are what we allow ourselves to be. I am responsible for my own emotions…BUT, I figured out why my reaction of not wanting to cry was felt like a vulnerability and weakness.

1. I am not a sissy girl.

That was easy, but number two is harder.

I had to go back and look at the last times I did cry. I hate looking back. Most of the time nothing too good comes of it..but I gotta go there.

Last time number 1...

Talking to my father over the phone when he told me my mom was leaving. His pain broke my heart. I went to “B” wanting and needing a hug…and got advice..lot’s of it. Told him I needed a hug, and got a pat on the back..Reallly. My feelings were put off as not important, and the tv was turned on mid sentence.

Last time number 2..

June..third back surgery. The pain made me cry..then I checked myself out of the hospital because the nurse could never get pain meds to me in time. “B” was not expecting me home, and we had to find a late night pharmacy. By the second pharmacy we found that was closed, he whooped around the corner, drove like a madman because he was pissed. I am asking him to slow down, and that it hurt.. He turned in a parking lot even harder..just to prove a point that he was pissed…?? I went to bed, back throbbing, and because of no compassion…and just his own pure selfishness..I silently lie in bed with warm tears flooding my face in my own silent pain. Lord knows I could not bring up why I was upset….

There’s a few more stories..but I think that is enough for the point. I’m embarrassed even bringing those up. To let myself get so far…

My emotions were never validated. Taken as important enough…This I had figured out. By showing my must vulnerable parts…they were never recognized as important enough.
Then to my surprise I get a great note from my friend”. Telling me never to settle…this brought a few tears..but they were good ones…I was validated in a strange way. Here was this note, that came at a very pivital point in my life. It was a hand that helped pull me out of the quicksand. So thanks “J”. I am truly blessed to have good friends.

Amazing how things like that happen just at the right time.

I swear I am turnin’ into Tammy Fae and it’s pissin me off!! Luckily these are just little spurts through out the day. The rest of my day is filled up with meaningless nonsense like work... Keeps a girl sane.

So finally..after a few nights of insomnia..She sleeps.

The warrior goddess Almighty Heidi came out this morning with a vengeance. It’s about time she showed up. She took her sword out and cut through the layers of self pity…and got angry.

Damn girl, it’s about time!!


Ohhh she’s pissed, really pissed…pissed that I let that happen to me.

Two lessons learned yesterday: I am good enough…and it really is not in me to settle. I can’t do it. I won’t do it to myself. I have one lifetime (that I know of)…and I gotta make it count.

Latte' Damnit!!!

Heidi